How else would you suggest getting the truth?

Private eye, computer tracking software, snooping, knowing email and social media passwords.  The same old stuff you would do for a normal cheating spouse.  But at some point you have to sit down with yourself and have a heart to heart and ask yourself isn't this enough proof?  That's what I had to do.  I never found the smoking gun or a craig's list ad.  But lie after lie about jerking off to men and ordering dildos became my breaking point.  Once I finally decided I deserved more than liar who jerks off to men, takes 1000s of naked pics of himself, and orders secret dildos to shove up his rear I was able to let go and move on. 

So how do you go about getting proof?

Emma,

Do you *need* proof?  It seems like we do when we're wading through the mess.  It is only in retrospect that we often realize that we knew deep down that we just weren't happy, and that there was no hope left in us that things would change.  And that's all there is - a deep unhappiness that we're tired of living in.  THAT is your "proof" that you should move on.  Maybe you're not there yet, or don't realize that you are.  And that's okay.  But if you're there, no amount of proof (or lack of it) is going to change the situation - even if you don't have all the answers you want/need.

There are tons of us here who DO have "proof" - to the point of knowing that their spouse has/is cheating on them - emails to tell us that they've been doing so for years.  Private investigator proof.  Proof to the point of them getting a disease and giving it to us.  And STILL - they deny.  Even if they admit to some cheating, they still deny being gay.  So if what you're looking for is proof that he's gay, you may NEVER get it.  We get wrapped up in this notion that if they don't say they're gay, then they're not gay, and we're just in a marriage with someone who has behaved poorly and wants another chance.  Heck, even when they admit they're gay, we sometimes still try to figure out how to make that work within our marriage.  My point is that "proof" is very subjective.  But in the end, it's about whether you think you can be happy with this person, and the behaviors they've been exhibiting (that you think won't change).  If that answer is no, then you don't need proof.  Unless you're looking for it for divorce purposes (which you would need to verify through a lawyer - because some states are "no fault", and it won't matter WHAT you find).

I know this time is confusing and full of anxiety.  I'd encourage you to look at the big picture, rather than honing in on whether he stepped out of the marriage.  If you're perpetually unhappy, then that's all the reason you need, really.  Misery is its own proof.

Kel

Unfortunately, you only have two choices.  You can either continue your life as is with all these thoughts in your head while he wears tiny shorts, shares his fantasies about men, and asks for anal penetration, or you can move on.  Staying will involve either:  trusting completely while trying to put it out of your mind or continuing to keep your eyes open and watching for lies.  Those are your only two choices if you stay.  You can't take back what he's said or done.  And yes, it's a horrible way to live.

I know you wish to go back to how it was.  That's the awful part about this for all of us.  But the cat is out of the bag and the elephant is in the room.  HE made this choice.  He chose to share fantasies about men and ask for anal penetration.  He's telling you what he wants, what his fantasies are.  And he's showing you how he wants to dress. 

You say you don't take issue with any of the changes he's made.  If that's true, I'm not sure you would be here.  I'm so sorry.  You sound exactly like me when I first started searching for an answer.  It took me about three or four years to get sick of the BS and leave.  I don't even remember the timeline anymore and I don't care to.  I don't want to know how much time I wasted.  The honest truth is that his actions and his comments have left you no choice but to question him.  And you're right to do so.