OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / The hardest part of wanting to keep my r'ship together...

**Posted by Duped** February 27, 2018 5:55 pm

Why don’t you want to work Ellexoh?

Whatever you say...or think...this is lovebombing.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 27, 2018 6:02 pm

Duped wrote:
Why don’t you want to work Ellexoh?Whatever you say...or think...this is lovebombing.

Health issues.

And I already admit it prob is lovebombing.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** February 27, 2018 8:37 pm

Ellexoh,
If that's what you decide, then that's what you decide. Financial considerations are not minor, especially at our age. I think what's important is that you go into it with your eyes open, because only then can you build a life for yourself instead of holding on to a false hope.
And dear god, do I understand the pull of that need for hope. I still feel it, even though I know I have no good future with my stbx.

**Posted by Goonnowgo** February 28, 2018 12:27 pm

Ellexoh,
Since he wants to keep you have you considered asking him to sign a post-nuptial agreement which could protect you financially? You are in a great position now to get one signed. Perhaps this would give you financial peace for your future. He may be inclined to sign one now. They are legally binding.

**Posted by Goonnowgo** February 28, 2018 12:37 pm

I say let him love bomb you with something that will actually help you feel more secure. Many people get post-nups who plan to stay in the r ship.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 28, 2018 1:01 pm

Goonnowgo wrote:
Ellexoh,
Since he wants to keep you have you considered asking him to sign a post-nuptial agreement which could protect you financially? You are in a great position now to get one signed. Perhaps this would give you financial peace for your future. He may be inclined to sign one now. They are legally binding.

Funny you should suggest that 32 yrs ago....when I divorced my 1st husband...ready to happily start a r'ship with my current man, the lawyer set up a pre-nup. It was set over 15 yrs with the financial gain initially weighed in my favour, it was my house, and money, and the lawyer felt because my partner was younger...financial protection was important. The 15 yrs went by, came to an end, I used to love telling the story of how "the pre-nup wasn't needed...look! we're so strong as a couple..."

Now this chapter. The idea of a post-nup is one that wouldn't have occurred to me, but it makes sense. I'll do some
research. The way the law works may not be the same here in NZ as it is wherever you live, and as I don't tell anybody about my situation unless I'm confident in, and of, their support....I'll be doing this cautiously

Thank you GONG

Last edited by Ellexoh (February 28, 2018 1:30 pm)

**Posted by Goonnowgo** March 1, 2018 9:37 am

Wishing the best for you in your research and sending good thoughts your way. It is very ironic you had a prenup. So if he signed that maybe you can get a postnup signed now as a sign of his good intentions. Get him to put a signature on his promises. Not the ones he wants to make but the ones that will help you feel financially more protected.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 1, 2018 12:57 pm

Goonnowgo wrote:
Wishing the best for you in your research and sending good thoughts your way. It is very ironic you had a prenup. So if he signed that maybe you can get a postnup signed now as a sign of his good intentions. Get him to put a signature on his promises. Not the ones he wants to make but the ones that will help you feel financially more protected.

The prenup A put his signature on was 32 years ago.....that's another time, we were different people i did some googling yesterday, just to learn about the history of pre/postnups, and the importance the courts put on them. No doubt things will have changed in those 32+ years and much of the focus may be on being able to afford to get good advice on the process.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 1, 2018 8:34 pm

OutofHisCloset wrote:
Ellexoh,
If that's what you decide, then that's what you decide. Financial considerations are not minor, especially at our age. I think what's important is that you go into it with your eyes open, because only then can you build a life for yourself instead of holding on to a false hope.
And dear god, do I understand the pull of that need for hope. I still feel it, even though I know I have no good future with my stbx.

One brave moment I'm all "fuck'im.....I can do this" then the next I'm ".....but! what if?..."
I know it'll never be the same. And even though I know it to be true...I'm not angry or
strong enough (yet) to leave

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** March 1, 2018 10:18 pm

I tortured myself with hope we might work it out and fear that I would not be equal to life on my own for almost two years beyond the point when I could see that there was no future for us. And even though now I have said, "I want a divorce," and burned the bridges behind me by saying "I do not want to be married to an autogynephile," and we are am actively moving toward divorce (we are currently negotiating on splitting up the property, and today I took him up on his offer to buy me out of the house, and I am looking for a place to move) it's still the fact that every single step of this cuts to the core. Each step has its own hurts. But each step I've taken also strengthens me. I keep repeating Eleanor Roosevelt's line, "You must do the thing you think you cannot do."