OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / How is your Gaydar now?

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** December 14, 2017 8:14 am

I get it: once bitten, twice shy. I also understand that once having been alerted to the techniques and practices of gay men and lesbians on the clandestine make we have a heightened sensitivity. But that heightened sensitivity might also be over sensitive, and we may "see" what isn't there, too. I myself might be identified as--mistaken for--having the "stereotypical look" of a lesbian: I don't wear make up, I wear sensible, flat shoes--and flannel shirts. I also like outdoor pursuits and drive that most lesbian of all cars, the Subaru. And I get sick and tired of being told that I'm a lousy woman or having it implied I "must be a lesbian" because of those things.
I'd also like to point out that some of us here have been "fooled again." There is more than one poster here who ended up with a closeted or in denial gay man or a cross dresser not once but twice. And to suggest that somehow this was avoidable had they only honed their so-called "gaydar" is really over the top.
Grouchily, OOHC

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 14, 2017 8:15 am)

**Posted by majenco** December 14, 2017 11:36 am

Having been bitten twice is less likely to be blamed on failed Gaydar than the common theory of the law of attraction. That is something floating around in the therapy community that basically says we unconsciously attract unavailable people to ourselves because we have our own unresolved issues. While I certainly have my issues I really resent the implication that this is somehow my fault.

Last edited by majenco (December 14, 2017 11:37 am)

**Posted by Duped** December 15, 2017 3:21 am

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 2:15 pm)

**Posted by lily** December 15, 2017 4:01 am

I think once you've been duped you know how possible it is to be duped again so you are more careful but there's no guarantees. The most useful thing I have taken on board is that we're all suckers for a nice tone of voice. Yes, yes I am, immediately I start to relax and trust. Now I don't. I wait to see what happens first. just how comfortable do I really feel with this person?

I got caught, not a boyfriend but still stuck in a work relationship for months with a scary dude. When I read about being a sucker for a nice tone of voice I put two and two together - that's what I had liked first about my ex too - the tone of his voice. Come into my parlour said the spider to the fly..