OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Isn’t commitment a choice?

**Posted by DoonesburyFan** November 7, 2017 4:04 pm

I want to thank you all for your considered responses.

I was hoping that there would be a space that would help me more with the "hows" of facing this new reality, to learn from people who've successfully adapted to the reality they've encountered, and to do so without having to share things with people whom both my partner and I deal with on a daily basis. I respect that there are a lot of people here who are still in pain from what has happened to them: I don't think I can help them, and I'm not sure their experiences will help me move forward.

Be good to yorselves and each other.

**Posted by lily** November 7, 2017 5:24 pm

just remember you are welcome to return any time and no hard feelings - all the best.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 7, 2017 6:02 pm

Chris,
I'm coming late to this conversation, but my take on commitment as a choice is that I myself couldn't commit to stay married to a spouse who has announced he has a sexuality other than the one I thought he did when I married him (and he married me). Sure, he can remain committed and not act on his desire, but I can't be satisfied in a marriage that will always preclude the intimacy that comes with knowing that we both love and desire the other person. There's a real difference in my mind between a marriage in which there may be periods of no sex (for whatever reason) and one in which there will never be the possibility of sex because my spouse will never desire me. I don't want to live like that, regardless of whether my spouse wants to stay married.

**Posted by Scrupulous** November 7, 2017 7:34 pm

Sorry but this sounds like BS....therefore I will not respond
Other than to say it's BS

**Posted by Kel** November 8, 2017 1:09 pm

"Here's my situation. I want your opinion"
(opinion)
"Not THAT opinion. I want to hear validation of what MY opinion is"
(our experiences lead us to have an opinion that is at odds with your opinion)
"This place is unaccepting of any reality but theirs"
(we support other choices, and your right to make them. We just can't validate those choices because our experience with those choices turned out poorly)
"You guys are unhelpful. And judgemental"
(how can we support you, then? What are you looking for?)
"I'd like ideas on how to make my choice work"
(we don't have those ideas. We either decided that we didn't want to go your route and therefore don't have any experience with your path, or we DID try things and they didn't work. We therefore have no proven suggestions for you)
"Bye!"
(wish you well. You're welcome to come back)

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 8, 2017 1:24 pm

I just went back and read all of Doone's posts, and Scrupulous, I believe you are right. We were set up. By someone impersonating one of us. Someone who just wanted to instruct us on the "proper" position we should be taking. Just doesn't seem someone with Doone's familiarity with LGBTQ issues and history (Stonewall, even) and who seems to already know what to do in the face of the situation he relayed, would need to be here.

**Posted by Duped** November 8, 2017 1:56 pm

I agree, either someone in total and utter denial or has been brainwashed or playing us. TBH I think we've all been played enough.

**Posted by phoenix** November 8, 2017 3:04 pm

This was my gut instinct as well, as it seemed the priority of the posts was to enlighten us on the plight of the LGBT community moreso than the actual situation "he" was going through. But, since none of us showed any anti-LGBT sentiment there was nothing to kindle an argument, so he left.

I would just hate to make this assumption incorrectly and drive away someone who is genuinely in need of support. The world is full of very different people.. and surely there are people in the world who are very pro-LGBT who find themselves surprised by a spouse they didn't know as well as they thought. So, I tend to err on the side of caution and not call people out publicly. Since this person has stated they are not interested in remaining on this site, I'm ok with the group speaking honestly about our suspicions.

I would just ask that in the future, when we have concerns, lets try to be cautious and not jump to conclusions and make accusations. If someone has a concern about the authenticity of another member, please private message each other or me directly to discuss before stating it openly. Let's just be careful with this type of situation.

Thanks gang!

**Posted by Goonnowgo** November 13, 2017 10:59 pm

lily wrote:
Most of the straight spouses on this board are here simply because we're the sort of people who do make the choice to be committed - we want monogamy and will stick with our mate through thick and thin. Not everyone is the same so you can't really say anyone can make the choice to be committed.

And it gets even more complicated - not everyone who stays in a marriage is truly committed to their partner, some are committed to themselves. My ex was gay in denial and simply using me for as long as he could spin it out. 37 years and then another 18 months to finalise a divorce.

My philosophy is bitter is good. You are a goodnatured person you will always be one. Bitter is like food, who would want to take out bitter from food, certainly not those of us who like coffee, or chocolate is bitter too for that matter. Beer, of course too. It is a healthy clean-feeling thing, it gives a balance to the taste.

Lily, I love this. I need my bitter. I need it to stay strong.

**Posted by Brassyhub** November 14, 2017 8:33 am

We can and do chose our behaviour. We are responsible for ourselves. But we do not and cannot change our orientation, or only very, very rarely. That's what makes Mixed Orientation Marriages almost impossible. Some can work it out, as we are trying to do, but at great cost. For us, the bottom line, put crudely, is that neither of us is expressing our sexuality.