OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Hello is there anybody there?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 29, 2017 1:19 pm

Deleted

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 21, 2018 4:43 am)

**Posted by phoenix** October 29, 2017 2:16 pm

We are here. It's just a slow time for some reason. A chance to catch our breath.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** October 29, 2017 2:29 pm

I confess I kind of wondered whether the silence was a result of the recent spate of "if you can't say something nice don't say something at all" complaints.

**Posted by majenco** October 29, 2017 3:02 pm

I’m here. Keeping quiet. Feeling deeply conflicted. I ride the emotional rollercoaster. 7 months past DDay and I am still in a daily depression and struggle. I struggle to find the strength to either stay or go. I exist somewhere in the middle of pain and hope. It’s a very lonely place.
My husband is not cruel, not having an affair so I don’t experience the situations some of you do. I just don’t know if he can do monogamy as a bisexual. I also don’t know why I should allow him to make any decisions for my future. I need to step up and decide. My weakness and fear make me feel ashamed. I am fighting so hard internally to build myself up. I see the stories of those who have moved through this to a better life. I want to believe.
I realize I am the only one who can save me. I am desperately hoping I have the strength to do this. But it is not happening today.

Last edited by majenco (October 29, 2017 3:28 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 29, 2017 3:11 pm

majenco wrote:
... I just don’t know if he can do monogamy as a bisexual. I also don’t know why I should allow him to make any decisions for my future. I need to step up and decide. My weakness and fear makes me feel ashamed. I am fighting so hard internally to build myself up.

My partner doesn't understand why I can't accept his wanting to explore his gay side.
I don't think I could trust him to hold true to a monogamy promise. He says I live in a fantasy world,
but forgets that he lives in one himself

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** October 29, 2017 3:11 pm

I didn't mean to be flip or cruel in my post. But as many of us do, I rely on the forum in order to keep myself strong and to get insight from others, and so, because there were no new posts this weekend, I was reading around in the old posts, and decided to go as far back as they go. I was kind of amazed to see how uncompromising many posters were (clearly some had been on the forum since before the shift to the new format) on the chances for working things out. And, as jkpeace has written about herself, she came on initially looking for success stories. She was so understanding of her husband that Bryon made a guess that she would remain friends with her husband once they were divorced--and I believe, jk, that your position on that now is "maybe some day, but definitely not now."
I"m sorry, Ellexoh, that the trauma of living "as if" things are fine when they very much aren't is taking its toll. I suspect that as the holiday season gets closer, this will be an issue for many of us. I know that I am dreading acting as if all is fine, and being faced with questions from family about visiting, when I am right now deciding just exactly when I'll be sitting down with my husband to tell him I'm through.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** October 29, 2017 3:20 pm

Majenco,
Be kinder on yourself. You're 7 months out from D Day. It took me twice that long to get to where you are now, between pain and hope. It took me another year plus to kill the (unreasonable) hope. It happened gradually, when I was able to finally look not at my hopes but at his behavior, and when I began to really hear what he was telling me--and to go back and revisit things he'd done and said before with present clarity.
You will get there. Some of us seem to need a clean break, after which we process. Some of us do the processing first, in order to make the break. And some of us don't have a choice about which we do--they leave or finances keep us in longer than we'd like. (And I know that after I do make the break there will be more processing to do, although I have to hope the processing already done will help keep me afloat, and focusing on my future moving ahead will keep me so busy I won't have time for pointless repinings.)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 29, 2017 3:22 pm

OutofHisCloset wrote:
I didn't mean to be flip or cruel in my post..

I didn't see it as flippant or cruel
OoHC....I've learned that having a different way about me, (as one member referred to NZ women derogatorily)....means to choose my words carefully because one of the easiest thing to take onboard
when online and reading the words of a stranger....is offense

We're all hurting. all walking on eggshells

**Posted by majenco** October 29, 2017 3:22 pm

Yes I dread the holidays. Usually my favorite time of year. Dec 1st is my 10 year anniversary I was going to spend it renewing our vows in Disney World. Now I will be quietly allowing it to pass and highly skeptical that we will see our 11th.
My husband is so glad he’s newly sober and talking about how excited he is about decorating for the holidays. I just feel sad. This would normally be such a special time and now it just highlights how very alone I feel.
Someday I will feel better but I feel so depressed and weak right now.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 29, 2017 3:34 pm

Today I made a small, but important step. I researched the benefits I might receive,
and put more thought into asking those close to me for help, as in a place to stay, if
and when I decide the time has come to leave
We've just moved into the city and I thought about starting to separate our belongings. We are
so entwined, ours lives, the photos, memories.....how long does it take to unravel 32 years......?