OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

**Posted by Lena** October 13, 2017 10:36 am

My biggest fear is to loose the time with my kids.

I struggle if I should let 50/50 parenting to happen or fight for more.
I want more and then at the same time not sure if that is the best desicion for my kids.
He is a good father, but selfish and nasty to me, especially now when I should expect from him to be more human or take responsibility for destroying mine and our kids lives for all those years of his betrayals, when I stayed by his side in a lot of ways that humiliated me,and he acts like I am NOTHING.
But that Narcissistic Spouse article posted here explained everything. I cannot expect anything good from him. He does not operate that way. He is too much about himself and hiding his secrets even from himself that emotional detachment is his way to live on this planet.

I want my kids to be happy and not to be affected much by Narcissistic Behavior of mine GHIDSD.
I fear for making the wrong desicion about custody.

Financially I fear as well, but
I have trust that it will be fine.

Am I going to meet someone? Maybe, but my trust is so broken and I do not feel like looking for someone at this moment. I just want peace at least in my OWN house without him.

Last edited by Lena (October 13, 2017 10:41 am)

**Posted by Lena** October 13, 2017 10:47 am

"Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

I'm proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
'Cause I can make it on my own
And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain, oh
When I'm finished, they won't even know your name..."

**Posted by majenco** October 13, 2017 10:50 am

I fear this has broken me. Changed me fundamentally. Made me fearful and destroyed my ability to trust.
My hope is that these things are temporary. My hope is that I will emerge from this stronger and more able to trust myself.
I miss the sound of my own laughter. The feel of my face when it curves into a smile. I would give anything to just feel genuinely happy again for even a moment.

**Posted by Duped** October 13, 2017 12:05 pm

Lena, I’ve had that song on loop for a couple of weeks it totally hits the spot.

**Posted by Lena** October 13, 2017 1:04 pm

JenS,

Thanks for your words.

He already told me he is going to fight me if I choose against his custody plan.
My kids love him, but they are too young to understand what is going with their father.
I fear for their future. However everybody around says that kids are resilient and adapt quickly.
I am so angry with my GHIDSD for putting us into this position.
This is going to be the biggest fight of my life. I hope that my desicion turns out to be the best one.

And I love that song above. It describes perfectly my emotions regarding my marriage situation as well as gives me hopes for better future.
ehugs to all of you.

Last edited by Lena (October 13, 2017 1:05 pm)

**Posted by Kel** October 13, 2017 3:35 pm

My sister's gidstbxh wanted full custody of their kids - so much so that he physically attacked her for it. He got THE best lawyer. But in the end, it all comes out in the wash. His behavior over the last year (since the attack) has shown the courts that despite his charming demeanor, he's not sober, he doesn't show up to visitation on time or use it all, and the Guardian Ad Litem knows exactly how it's affecting their children.

TODAY the judge signed the order to make their child custody agreement legal. Full custody to my sister, with very regulated visitation on his part. Can't drive them anywhere, can't see them alone, can't do either until he blows clean for a full 6 months. Then it steps up to the next level - it'll take him a full 2 years clean in order to see his kids they way any man would want to. And it'll never happen - because he's a secret drug addict.

Don't be afraid to fight. Intimidation does NOT mean you'll lose. If they're good people, then it's okay to share the kids. But if they're not, fight to keep the kids away from someone destructive except for short visitations. Let them show their teeth all they want - they're used it working, which is why they do it. I rarely show my teeth. I don't have to - I'm going to fight harder in the end. People who want things for the wrong reasons don't fight hard for something for very long before they lose interest in expending their energy in something they don't TRULY want with all their heart.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (October 13, 2017 3:38 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 13, 2017 10:36 pm

My biggest fear? ....The Unknown

Second biggest fear...that I won't have the courage to face the unknown

**Posted by majenco** October 14, 2017 10:59 am

Ellexoh,
Yes! The unknown! It’s the point where the known is worse than the fear of the unknown that we can take that step to freedom. Such a pivotal moment. I anxiously await it.

**Posted by ellierigg** January 12, 2024 6:01 am

Bumping this because it is a great topic and it might help new people coming in here.

**Posted by Odd_Education_882** January 13, 2024 5:18 am

My biggest fear is finding to strength to get to the other side. We have my 88+ mother living with us, she is currently in hospice care, and we support his 85 yo father. Do I have to strength to keep their worlds stable and safe while I have to face my STBX husband and his reality.

Finding face to face resources or therapists who have experience with closeted spouses is proving to be very very difficult. I am within 45 minutes of a major metropolitan area and I have yet to find a support group that is still active.