OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Where do I go from here?

**Posted by freedmyself** March 28, 2025 1:27 am

loc, I'd like to share that at first I really believed my GXH's sanitized version of "nothing happened" and he "didn't know", and he's "just now figuring this out" which would support your subconscious theory.

It took me months and months and months to realize that by the time he told me, he had already built out his gay life, and once I knew, he just stepped right into that new life, leaving me to figure things out on my own. What I know now is that frequently, as I experienced, what we're told at first is actually the tip of the iceberg. I was much, much more of a victim that I realized at first.

I second - or third? - the thought that those of us who are high in empathy and optimism and perspective-taking seem to attract partners who betray us. It's like having positive qualities but to a level that's detrimental to our own self-preservation.

Lily captured well the alteration to your past. I don't know who the heck I was married to - once he came out, I didn't recognize that guy.

**Posted by loc123** March 28, 2025 3:56 am

How does one recover from this? How do you trust again?

**Posted by freedmyself** March 28, 2025 11:55 pm

For me, those are two very different questions. I'm a little more than a year post-disclosure, and the ink is barely dry on my divorce. Recovering for me is still a work in process, but it looks like this: self-care like it's my job, prioritizing connection with the people who love me, volumes of reading and journaling, and lots and lots and lots of therapy. And I have a long road ahead of me still. I'm at a point where I have enough good days and enough glimmers of hope on bad days that I have faith that I will recover, and this will feel like it's in my past.

As far as trusting again - I'm assuming you mean in a future relationship with a straight partner this time? It's too soon for me yet. I think by the time I'm ready to start dating, I will have done enough work to restore my inner compass that I'll be willing to trust someone who demonstrates he's worthy of my trust.

**Posted by Anon 765** March 29, 2025 12:26 pm

I agree with freed. It takes time to rebuild a sense of self again after any divorce, and these can be particularly complicated divorces. I love "self-care like it's my job". I'd also say to let go of any timeline - it takes the time it takes.

As far as trusting again - the one person I will have to trust most in a new relationship will be myself, and that will come with continued growth. I've been officially divorced for about half a year, and am definitely not ready to seek out a new relationship yet (with anyone other than myself!).

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 29, 2025 2:39 pm

loc123 wrote:
How does one recover from this? How do you trust again?

It's not a 'one size fits all" kinda thing. This is your journey, these are your emotions, you are driving this.
Your recovery depends on you. You may never fully trust a man ever again but that doesn't have to be a negative, simply a protection.

Elle

**Posted by loc123** March 29, 2025 11:17 pm

Thanks for your replies @freedmyself @anon 765 @ellexoh_nz.

I’m hearing that the recovery is a fluid thing, unique to everyone. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve consumed so much content or the fact my wife is so adamant and seemingly so progressed in her journey but I feel like moving on quickly would be my best tonic. It could also be a trap in moving on before I’ve had closure. It’s complicated by my children situation which is my number one priority.

On a side note, I wake up every day hoping that life is a bad nightmare that I might wake up from but when I come to, it’s the same bad nightmare that I’m actually living; did everyone experience the same? It’s an awful feeling.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 29, 2025 11:37 pm

loc123 wrote:
On a side note, I wake up every day hoping that life is a bad nightmare that I might wake up from but when I come to, it’s the same bad nightmare that I’m actually living; did everyone experience the same? It’s an awful feeling.

Yip I did

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (March 29, 2025 11:38 pm)

**Posted by freedmyself** March 29, 2025 11:56 pm

It's taken more than a year for me to not wake up feeling terrible every single day. Still happens, just not every single day.

I read in your earlier post that you were consuming a lot of content and trying to "beat the mindfuck". I sure don't know how to do that. I totally understand the need to read Absolutely Everything in hopes of understanding how this happened; that's me, too, Ultimately, though, I have to accept that I'm never actually going to know. Never.

I will say that time and distance from the Ex have given me a more accurate perspective on what happened. Closure with the ex is a fantasy, in my case, and I've let go of that.

**Posted by loc123** March 30, 2025 5:45 am

freedmyself wrote:
It's taken more than a year for me to not wake up feeling terrible every single day. Still happens, just not every single day.

I read in your earlier post that you were consuming a lot of content and trying to "beat the mindfuck". I sure don't know how to do that. I totally understand the need to read Absolutely Everything in hopes of understanding how this happened; that's me, too, Ultimately, though, I have to accept that I'm never actually going to know. Never.

I will say that time and distance from the Ex have given me a more accurate perspective on what happened. Closure with the ex is a fantasy, in my case, and I've let go of that.

Interesting perspective @freedmyself. If I said “beat the mindfuck”, that’s probably more fanciful than anything - just “managing the mindfuck” would probably be a good result for me but most likely will be coping a beating from the mindfuck :’(

**Posted by lily** March 30, 2025 5:16 pm

loc123 wrote:
How does one recover from this? How do you trust again?

I think it's more about learning how to be careful than anything else. My default response is to trust!

And learning to take yourself seriously, when you think somethings off it probably is.

It was fascinating to see what happens when you become available. First I got a couple of sloppy passes from men I had considered I had a friendship with. That hurt. I thought I could rely on them to be my friends but that was the end of that for them.

Then came the gay men. And you know you tell them you have just managed to get away from marriage to a gay man and it only encourages them. finally I said to one that I thought he would be better off finding a boyfriend and that was the last I saw of him, I admit, it was rather funny to see how fast he ran.

All of which is to say you might have 'the one' waiting in the wings, and that is a genuine possibility but also it's more of the same - the lesbians will come after you pretending to offer great sex, don't be fooled. It is painful to see how the good men are hoovered up by the lesbians.

Once your eye is in, you will see them coming. so yes, take things slow, keep a step back wait for the other shoe to drop. I think there are some men here who have formed new relationships and very happy. Really you are still the person you are, you will be just fine in the long run.