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1 - loc123
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Where do I go from here?
It has been just under three weeks since disclosure.
I have two kids with my wife. We are a high functioning family; we do all the things, school, sport, both work; we get it life done.
Towards the end of last year, things got busy for both of us at work on top of our already busy schedules. We were a bit ships-in-the-nighty but I thought it was just a phase in our life. However she also seemed to be a bit resentful of me for a couple of weeks in the month. I thought it was just hormones and the busy schedule. Sex life has always been fine, regular but not super frequent. Anyway, over Christmas she had become particularly moody. I confronted her about it post Christmas to which she said that maybe we are too different; we weren't connected emotionally, we don't like the same things, etc. For weeks after, I took these feedback on board and worked on myself and made a concerted effort to be a better version of me/us.
Fast foward two months and my wife of 10 years has told me that she is gay. I've been in the vortex of emotions that you would all know so well. The fear, the loneliness, isolation, profound sadness, confusion, helplessness; all these things at different times and at the same time. I often feel the sick feeling my stomach like a knife twisting when I think of my current predicament. I did not see this coming at all. Up until the last few months of last year, we were the perfect little family. I've been through the phases of wondering how it happened; was it a lie; was it a sham; did I just get used; how did I not see it coming? She tells me that I have been the perfect husband, the best man and she realised it wasn't me but it was her all this time. That she previously suppressed the feelings but now the fire is burning too deeply. During the back end of last year, she started confiding deeply with a colleague who I believe she had an emotional affair with; it is probably something deeper but it is neither here nor there if she is truly gay.
She says it with such surety. I'm left confused about how it can be so sure now but not sure before we had kids or during. It is truly the ultimate atomic bomb that blows up one's life. There's really no way back from it, is there?
I love my wife. I love every bit about her; warts and all. Yes we are different, she's not perfect. Looking back, she never really showed me that gratitude and her affection for me waned in more recent years. Sex was still regular though and I accepted all our differences and I gave concessions for her lack of gratitude and appreciation of me. I didn't need it. I was happy to be a good guy, work hard and be the best man I could be for my family.
My kids are my world. They are both under 9 and I have an inherent need to be present both physically and emotionally for them. Although hard, I can accept the rejection of loss of my wife but the thought of being away from my kids is unbearable. The week on, week off life is not for me. I didn't sign up for that nor have I done anything wrong to have to suffer those consequences.
I know a lot of people will say that I just need to leave but here's my problem; I can't leave my kids. I can't leave this home. All I've wanted in life was to have a family and give my kids the best opportunities in life. Be here, be present for them and I feel like it is being ripped away from me through no fault of my own. Life is hard and very unfair.
- Jupiter1
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Re: Where do I go from here?
I’m glad you found your way here; very sorry for your anguish. Try not to solve all the problems of leaving versus staying right now if you can. Those children of yours are incredibly fortunate to have a devoted father and they are going to rely on you whatever the future arrangement of the family. They will always be the center in your life and you in the center of their lives. You’ll sort out the best of the difficult living/family options but for now I hope you can just take it one step at a time. I hope you have someone to talk to, it really helps. We’re here for you, keep us posted.
- loc123
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Re: Where do I go from here?
Thanks for your words @Jupiter1.
I've been reading and consuming a lot of content to make sense of this complete mindfuck which in turn has resulted in me expediting stages. It is still so raw for me and I hear you that I need to not solve the problems now. The reality is that the situation is so complex that there is no obvious silver bullet for me. I feel like I will be damned whichever route I take.
I seeked out a therapist in the days after d-day and he has helped a lot. There is so much ruminating though; trying to understand things and work out how I can beat the mindfuck. Some days are ok, some days are just completely fucked. I'm glad to have found others who understand what I'm going through because the layman just simply cannot understand the hurt.
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Thread Starter- Lostandconfused1234
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Re: Where do I go from here?
I'm almost 9 months post disclosure. A few things I've learned along the way.
1) It's not your fault, nor your responsibility that she's lesbian. There are plenty of options for support for people coming to terms with their sexuality. We (straight spouses) on the other hand have only a couple of places to turn to.
2) Therapy helps, if for no other reason than to have an outlet for the pain. You need to take this time to focus on yourself.
3) Don't project onto her attributes of people that she isn't. I've read many stories, some better and some worse, of people having dealt with this crisis. I have to sometimes remind myself that my wife's behavior doesn't align with everything that other people have dealt with. You have to look at who she is subjectively
4) Sexual attraction is not an excuse to be a shitty person. Whatever boundaries you establish as a couple should be followed.
5) Know what your limits are. Take a moment to ask yourself what you want from a relationship and see if your relationship lines up. Use that as a template for your own personal boundaries. If you don't have a solid idea of where to draw the line, you may end up agreeing to something that will tear you apart without realizing it.
I'm sure there's more other people could add, but I'll leave you with some links that were given to me by Alex1984 when I first showed up here
Stages mixed orientation marriages go through:
Stages the straight spouse goes through:
- Rob
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Re: Where do I go from here?
Good replies above...
Not your fault and don't try to solve problems she created. I spent too much time and stress trying to solve what my GX created...where would she live, where would the kids live etc.
Read the first aid kit. In time talk to a lawyer. Come up with what you want for the kids because these spousesdo not have the kids interest on mind. Be a stoic and fierce father...in time you can get through it.. small baby steps.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- freedmyself
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Re: Where do I go from here?
loc123, I'm so sorry you find yourself here.
Three weeks is very, very fresh. It takes a while to adjust to such a stark new reality. The best I can offer is based on my own experience - take really good care of yourself, find a good therapist, and choose a couple of people close to you in whom you can confide.
In my case, it was definitely, as you wrote, the ultimate atomic bomb, and there was no way back from there.
- loc123
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Re: Where do I go from here?
Thanks to everyone who replied for your words of wisdom and presence in general. Knowing there are people out there who understand what I’m feeling is really a great elixir.
It’s only been three weeks but through my reading and content consumption, I feel like I’m stepping through the phases very quickly. I often need to pull myself up as I feel I need the time to let it all soak in.
Every day is hard. Every hour is hard. The first 10 days were particularly hard. Reading and consuming content has made things easier to process but it’s still a shock. Does it ever stop being a shock? Multiple times a day I think to myself “how has this happened to me?” I can’t see a time where I will stop thinking that. It’s just gross bad luck, isn’t it?
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Where do I go from here?
Hi Loc,
I called it an epiphany because you have got new knowledge that not only changes your present and future, it changes your past. It felt like a bolt of lightning lighting up the nighttime sky and I was seeing a whole new landscape and so yes it is deeply shocking, that's what I'm trying to say, it is deeply shocking it takes time to process the new information because it changes so much of your past as well.
Emotionally it's like getting on a roller coaster - this is a ride that will slow down with time, become less intense and then will settle back and you will feel normal again, if sorrier and wiser. well agonised is a good word isn't it. but the shock wears off. On the plus side getting the truth helps in the long run and there is more potential for happiness in your future.
You need to dial down wife support, and dial up self support. Ask yourself this - remember teenage crushes? do you think you could have not noticed it when you felt attracted to someone?
My theory is that it's not just bad luck - the nicest people get picked first and it's the gays/lesbians safely ensconced in their closets who take first pick - it's routinely bad luck there's so many of us.
- Rob
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Re: Where do I go from here?
Yeah like Lily said...don't think its bad luck so much as we are kind empathetic people and gay in denial people seem to gravitate toward us. Add in a little bit of low self esteem in ourselves and we are perfect prey. Or, as my 20/20 analysis of my spouse.....my GX simple had a "broken moral core". To lie and not give 100% love, to be hurtful and cruel to someone you professed before God and family to love and cherish.. its a scary thing.
Also, I don't think they can take our kids away or we ever leave our kids.. I think our kids get a better, stronger, unabused parent that shows them how one is supposed to treat people they love (not by lying and cheating but
with stoic fierce loyalty).
Last edited by Rob (March 27, 2025 7:40 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- loc123
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Re: Where do I go from here?
lily wrote:
Hi Loc,
I called it an epiphany because you have got new knowledge that not only changes your present and future, it changes your past. It felt like a bolt of lightning lighting up the nighttime sky and I was seeing a whole new landscape and so yes it is deeply shocking, that's what I'm trying to say, it is deeply shocking it takes time to process the new information because it changes so much of your past as well.
This is so true.
Yeah like Lily said...don't think its bad luck so much as we are kind empathetic people and gay in denial people seem to gravitate toward us. Add in a little bit of low self esteem in ourselves and we are perfect prey.
This is quite sadistic when you think about it, isn't it? It's probably not too far from the truth. The only concession I can make for them is maybe it was all/mostly subconscious and they (my wife) aren't genuinely that sinister.
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