You're struggling to put the pieces of the puzzle together.
And you make a narrative to the story. On how it happened, on why it happened. Explaining what doesn't seem to have an explanation. Blaming the world, blaming bad luck.
Your narrative has this open-ended unlucky victim feeling. This sort of once-in-a-lifetime scenario, meteor-hitting-Earth type. You could've never seen it coming. There was no chance for you to avoid it and no way for you to fix it.
It was just bad luck... sorry dude, shit happens. Move on. No lesson to be learnt.
And then you read something somebody wrote: "I want someone who wants me. Specifically me."
And it hits you. There was something missing in the story. Something you know now and it provides the clarity and closure you need.
The reason why she told you it ended is irrelevant. Your case is not any more special than that of many others.
The truth, the hard truth, is: she never truly loved you. Sure she thought she loved you. She loved what you represented. She loved the way you fit into what, at the time, she thought she wanted in life.
Here's the thing. What you want in life changes over time. You don't want the same thing in your 20s than in your 30s, 40s or 50s. If you don't love the person you're with but how that person fits in your life at any given time, one day you'll wake up and realize that the love you thought you had for that person has vanished.
She didn't love the person you are. And the day came that she realized her love she thought she had for you is gone. Because she didn't love you, she didn't love specifically you. And you no longer fit in her life. Instead, you have become a burden she needs to get rid of.
The worst part. Deep down you knew that already. Because you never felt truly loved. Because she needed reasons to love you when you just loved her unconditionally. Because you shouldn't have to work so hard to be happy. Because when you are with the right person it should just happen.
And here is the lesson to be learnt.
Give yourself to others, but be careful. Because if you give too much of yourself, she might feel overwhelmed and leave (as it has happened to you before).... or she might confuse for love the extremely pleasant feeling of warmth and cozyness you provide (as it just happened to you now)
You want someone who loves you.
Specifically you.
Not what you do, not what you give.
Just you.
Last edited by Bertuccio (September 30, 2022 3:02 pm)