Hi, this is going to take a while to process but if you can, it might be a good idea to get a picture of your finances and start working out how to protect yourself - he is being very blatant.

Take naps as often as you can, curl up even if it's only for ten minutes, and be your own best friend, better to give yourself a hug than roll in self doubt and confusion from all the gaslighting.  

Look for a friend or two you can confide in.

Trust yourself.

Go get tested for STD’s. I know it’s the last thing you want to do but you just never know.

In explicitly not following the guidelines your counselor set out, to refrain from infidelity, your husband has given you a preview of what you can expect from him going forward.  He has revealed that he will act unilaterally, and is not committed to the two of you as a couple; nor is he willing to take into account your feelings. Take your counsel and make your plans from that.  

  Unfortunately, your husband's behavior is "remotely normal."  When those who have denied their sexuality for decades, or have hidden it from view, come out, it's the beginning of a period of self-assertion, and because they have hidden this aspect of themselves away for so long, they feel entitled to now do only what they want to do, having (in their minds) not done it because of social or family pressure. 

  We straight spouses get caught in the middle: we are not an active part of what they see as having stopped them from being themselves (many of us have been allies to LGB people, and count them among our friends and family), but we are the consequence of choices our spouses made after having gone along with the social or familial pressure, which makes us the "frenemy."  We're symbolic of everything they wish to discard and which in their minds is responsible for their "having to" repress themselves; unfortunately for them, and for us, we're also their flesh-and-blood spouses, the ones they swore to love and cherish, and that introduces new pressures of its own, which they too often respond to with an aggressive defensiveness which translates into a kind of "you're not the boss of me and I'll do what I like" attitude and behavior.

  It seems your husband is going this latter "you're not the boss of me," "throw it all overboard," unilateral route,   You need to protect yourself accordingly.  See a lawyer to find out what you are entitled to under the law.  

 You might also want to peruse Sean's thread on these boards.  He tells it straight, from the perspective of the day husband in hiding who comes out.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 14, 2022 10:50 am)

I also belong to the "new to this" group. It has been 3 weeks since he spontaneously came out of the closet and I found out about all the lies and deceit. Also, found out I was the only one that even remotely cared about our marriage or was trying to make things work. The mind f**k is real.

I am exhausted and feel like I am living this weird double life. I feel numb a lot, and then anger and random crying jags. My life is horrible.

I agree with others in the fact that you have to start protecting yourself. Time to do a real time assessment of your life and finances. And start walling yourself off, emotionally, psychologically and physically. You have to protect yourself from the pain that is going to keep coming for awhile.

My gay husband has now become super honest and is freely sharing things like how the last few years he used the marriage as cover while he sorted himself out and made sure. Or how he fell out of love with me a long time ago and sees me as a platonic friend (he loves to emphasize the word platonic). Or told me when he looks at me now he doesn't have a single bit of attraction anymore and hasn't for awhile. All things that make a person feel really good about themselves. 

I also found out that he hates having a house, owning dogs, doing chores, everything about our lives. Of course this whole time he never brought up a thing. No concerns, no complaints. We just bought this place a year ago and he was all gung ho about it.

It amazes me all the similarities I see in these stories. And all the shock and devastation of the spouse left behind. *hugs* take it one day at a time and know there are a bunch of us in the same place...sadly! 

Anon:
   I'd suggest you stop letting your husband "share" with you.  It's cruelty masquerading as honesty.   Tell him that you know enough and you don't want to hear anymore.  I don't remember where you are in the divorce process (I assume your husband wants one, whether he's said this or not, or he wouldn't tell you the things he is telling you, which, if he hasn't said he wants a divorce, he is telling you so that you will divorce him), but I'd tell him that your relationship is no longer one in which he can expect you to empathize with him as a wife would.