PrairieBorn wrote:

I will post my story and epiphanies on other threads later as I think it all through because I do think it is helpful for all of us to read about each other's situations.

I think he is hiding behind our relationship, and I think also from himself his whole life(he's turning 50 next year). Yes, I have been a Beard this whole time to a man who can't accept that he is probably gay/maybe bi/potentially trans??? All I know for a fact is that he is definitely not straight, and being anything else definitely scares the crap out of him. I know this in my bones. It's been like living with an alien creature or a strange life form that you're trying to figure out but just can't quite put your finger on it. Can't see the forest because of the trees, ha ha!

...I'm sending big love and support out to each and every one of you dealing with these crazy-making situations. We are all brave souls, onward ho!

PrairieBorn, I highly recommend that you start your own thread. It can be helpful to collect everything into one place for easy review. I'm not sure what your thoughts are but I would caution entering marriage until things are more certain. The question marks here are many. Marriage may place him in a situation where he feels less 'pressure to perform' but put you in an empty space.

Last edited by Daryl (December 12, 2021 10:32 am)

Hi Prairie,  I think one of the difficulties we have in understanding our GID partners is that it is foreign to our nature.

Once I realised he was hiding being gay I thought oh it will be better now because he can be open with me.

oops!  walked straight over the thought - how could he have hidden this from me all this time?

Really after a little while I stopped being predictive and just watched a new person emerge out of the fictional one I had married.

The person you met was an act, the one you are going to meet over this next little while is the one who has always been there - running an act.  and this is not going to stop.  he is different to the way you imagined him to be because he is different to you.  Can you imagine keeping something like that hidden from your loved one?  and yet there he is doing it like it's bread and butter, as easy as falling off a log.  year after year, second after second.  in the bedroom and in public.

One day a friend came to visit.  I was supposed to have given up smoking, but when she came in she smelt the smoke and I denied it, but I'm sure I smelt it, oh it must have come from outside, I denied it three times.  Then I saw the look of confusion on her face.  She was starting to believe me and consequently doubting herself, her own true observations, and it was hurting her.  I came clean and started saying sorry.  That's the best I can understand it.  He does something that causes hurt and he watches that and he keeps doing it.

Self doubt is not good for you.  The basics, when your basic perception is denied and you believe it then you lose trust in yourself.

Last edited by lily (December 13, 2021 3:33 pm)

Lily wrote:
"Once I realised he was hiding being gay I thought oh it will be better now because he can be open with me.

oops!  walked straight over the thought - how could he have hidden this from me all this time?:


Also brilliant!  That first sentence describes the way many, many of us on the Forum have reported feeling when we are still mired in denial and grasping for hope.  The second describes what our subsequent realization after we discover that our first thoughts, and the "honeymoon" after disclosure, don't pan out and reality sets in.
 

My husband and I began counseling last week after I gave an ultimatum.  I refuse to go through another year like the last one.  My husband is a crossdresser and, from my perspective, a sex addict.  He is happier in ladies' nighties than he ever is with me.  His eyes sparkle and there is joy in his carriage.  His walk sounds like a woman's walk - suppose that sounds weird, but it is a different walk.  I have refused participation in his crossdressing, not that I did not try.  The s**t hit the fan when I borrowed his phone to take pictures at a family event.  He had selfies of him in nighties.  That was not surprising, but when I tried to forward the family pics to my email, an odd email popped up.  I asked him who this stranger was.  It was his alter ego, a place for him to send his selfies.  I have no idea where he goes online.  He told me it was my fault because I was not responsive enough, especially with the crossdressing.  Thus the ultimatum.  I am a senior citizen, married five years to him, and not doing well with this journey.  I must figure things out soon for my sanity.

Thank you, Gloria.  A response makes me feel less alone.  I am sorry you had that experience; but Iam grateful to hear from you.  Counseling session two today.  What a way to negotiate the holidays!