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October 24, 2021 2:40 pm  #1


He will Never Admit to Being Gay

My marriage has been over for 10 years and I should be able to move forward, but I keep waiting for him to come out so I'll feel certain.  My mind keeps listing out all the evidence, starting from when we were dating and he said his gay friend made a pass at him in a hot tub,  all throughout our marriage when he sought out more effeminate (mostly younger) men and clashed with straight men. Often going out at night without me, traveling without me, basically trying to avoid me as much as possible but not wanting a divorce.  He took me to his high school reunion even though he hated his hometown because he said he had to show them he was not gay.  Maybe the most vivid memory is when I saw him in a close conversation with a gay man at a gym and he acted startled to see me,  like he'd been caught.  When I finally got the courage to ask if he was gay, he said flatly, "I'm not interested in gaiety". Naive me, had never heard that word used that way.

If he were to admit to being gay, then he'd have to apologize to me and his daughters, but admitting to lies and cheating would require remorse, which he's never seemed capable of.  The lonely 10 years of marriage are like an unsolved mystery that keeps haunting me;  was it my fault for being unlovable or crazy or was he actually gay?

 

October 24, 2021 4:20 pm  #2


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Patience, that sounds an intensely lonely and painful situation.  Are you still married and living with him?

A good first step is to change focus from wondering about him to caring for yourself.  Seek counselling for yourself to unburden yourself about your current deep unhappiness and loneliness, and start connecting with how you honestly feel and what you want your future to look like. 

If you are still married - divorce doesn't have to be by mutual consent.  Of course he doesnt want a divorce - why would he? He's got  a great life. Your unhappiness doesn't factor into it.

You could see a lawyer quietly to see how divorce would look for you financially.

 

October 24, 2021 4:55 pm  #3


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

I suspect that when your husband said he wasn't "interested in gaiety" he meant he didn't want to live "a gay lifestyle."  In which case, he had chosen to live a heterosexual one, even though he clearly knew he was not heterosexual, and he was willing to deceive you in order to live that heterosexual lifestyle.  He wanted the white picket fence, the family, the social standing; you were just part of the set of figurines he needed to set up in order to live it.  

 What you have to say about his taking you to his high school reunion (but nowhere else) specifically to quash rumors he wasn't gay says that you were his beard.  Pretty sure that if you were to spell all this out for Sean on his thread, he would say that your husband was "gay as a rainbow."  

  If he ever were to come out, I very much doubt he'd feel he had to apologize to you or his daughters, because he spent the bulk of his life inwardly justifying to himself his actions.  He might even say what some here have heard: "you must have known."  Which of course you, being an honest person who would never deceive another person in this brutal, cruel way, for such selfish reasons, and for years, would never do--so why would you think the person who professed to love you would do it.

 It wasn't you.  You were and are not unlovable.  You were and are not crazy.  You were the victim of someone who duped and used you for his own selfish purposes.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 24, 2021 8:02 pm)

 

October 24, 2021 6:59 pm  #4


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Thank you so much Sophie for your support!  Yes, I'm safely away from him, just trying to process everything to move forward now.
And thank you OutofHisCloset for your amazing insights. You are spot on with the "white picket fence", he even said that to me one time when he was drunk and we were dating. I did hesitate about him then because I heard temptation and struggle in his voice but then he became extra attentive and he tried so hard to win me over. Of course once we were engaged he started to change. Ironically we actually had a white picket fence at one point, but he suddenly tore it down without asking me, saying it was ugly. When I talk about our divorce to other people, I vaguely say that he had a temper, which is true, but now I think that he was mad at me all the time because he wanted to push me away. I kept trying harder and harder to make him happy and he'd clench his fists and say "I don't want this doting wife!" He wanted me to be tough and independent plus doing all the housework, finances, raising his kids, and earning a high salary.
Eventually I really want to help someone like my young self was, to avoid marrying or having children with a gay man. That would also help me to heal.

     Thread Starter
 

October 24, 2021 8:01 pm  #5


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

I'd venture to say that he was mad at you all the time because he was projecting onto you his resentment that he "had" to live a straight "white picket fence" life.   His anger at the actual fence was clearly misdirected anger at "having" to live that life (and maybe at himself for continuing to live it)--the one he told you he wanted but then began to hate and resent. It's common that those who don't want to own their choices or to live their truth turn those they are deceiving, exploiting, or abusing into the perpetrators they themselves are, and then resent them--and become angry with them.  

I see you are still taking him at his word--that he wanted you to be "independent," etc.  Let me tell you: if you had been independent, he would have said he wanted you to be more accommodating and dependent.  Because it isn't really about anything you did or did not do, it's about them.  Once you no longer take what he said at face value, as if it were the truth, you might be able to stop faulting yourself.  The fact is that you can't trust a thing he said or did, because he everything he said and did with respect to you was to hide his big lie: that he wasn't attracted to you and married you because he needed to make use of you.  Just repeat as needed: It wasn't me. It was him.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 25, 2021 5:55 am)

 

October 24, 2021 8:35 pm  #6


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

I got a fresh start when I finally said to myself "Whatever he is, he isn't for me." It was no longer about him but about what I wanted in my future. I was worth more than being treated as a household appliance.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

October 25, 2021 5:22 am  #7


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Patience, I’m so glad you are t with him anymore. It was never you, it was him that is so true, but they make it all your fault in the end.

I like you, want to do something as well in my future. I would like to maybe talk to young girls in schools, not only about tgt, but a whole array of diff topics, including nsrcissism, toxic vs dangerous relationships, etc. That’s what I would like to do, or something along those lines. Time will tell

Take care, be well.

Last edited by longwayhome (October 25, 2021 5:24 am)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

October 25, 2021 7:09 am  #8


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

I cannot express how much you all are helping me on this forum, I'm starting to trust myself after 20 years of denial! Denial is the strongest human emotion.
"My ex wore a dress at our wedding"
That would have been the title of my post, if I had made the connection between that and his being gay before just now!! It was actually a costume that he wanted us both to wear because we were going to live in a foreign country together as newlyweds and it was the native dress. The costumes were made of silk and looked a lot like kimonos.  We changed into them for our last dance to entertain everyone, which worked but I felt funny, not beautiful.  You must be thinking, "how could she not make the connection?!"  Well, all my family and friends were there, many people who supposedly loved me and cared about my happiness and not one of them noticed anything off about him. They embraced him!  He was charming, highly intelligent, often the life of the party, and he was totally into sports (a big college and high school athlete).  His physical stature must have fooled a lot of people, including me. The only gay men I'd met were so obviously gay by their voices, movements, mannerisms.
So there it is. I've really known from the start, in my heart, but ignored my instincts because I loved him and thought his attraction for me would grow over time in the right romantic settings. I thought he was my best friend, until we married and then he didn't even like me anymore.

     Thread Starter
 

October 25, 2021 7:19 am  #9


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Yes, I bet  we can all relate to what you are saying, they just don’t like you, period, you feel it, they deny it.

Please take care, it’s time for you now, yes?  Be well.


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

October 26, 2021 11:56 am  #10


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Mine was angry all the time, too, always picking stupid fights.  In retrospect, I can see what was really going on with him, but in the moment I was always struggling to understand what I was doing wrong.

 

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