MJM017 wrote:

I wanted to amend my answer a bit. Until this gets figured out, it may be best for your wife to avoid seeing this person at work. If not possible, perhaps change the department or find another job.

You raise all sorts of possibilities for the relationship, some which include her moving out. In my opinion, her not seeing this woman will give her a clearer and calmer mind about what next steps she wants to take. It gives you more breathing room and trust in her decision, as well.

The best to both of you.

Thanks yes, she is agreeing to no contact, and given the pain she seen its caused me, i think she's going to do her utmost to stick to it. But she knows as well as i do its a very difficult task. This woman will not let up. I said to my wife, if we need to legally separate so you can discover who you are, then we will, but not while you're under this spell. This other woman's unhealthy attraction to my wife was the trigger in all of this. My wife is also guilty but at least she's trying to maintain something between us. She's at least trying. She does now fully question her sexuality given the desires she's since discovered. It is strange though in the fact that she really was happily married, all until this other woman came along. Its as if she transitioned later in life. She swears she's never had these feelings for any women or woman before. I did read some articles about late blossoming lesbians, all of whom were happily married but ended up changing their sexual orientation later in life (typically their 40s once the children are older and less dependent on their mother)   This seems to fall under my wife's category.  Of course something had to of been buried deep down inside for this to surface. As i said i always had a bit of an inkling. She does have some tomboy in her. Despite being very cute and magnetic, she was never the type of girl to get her nails or hair done or wear a dress Just naturally attractive.  But i was ok with it, as i said, we got along, the love was / is there. 

We are talking and she seems to be coming round to making rational decisions now, showing immense care and affection for each other. Holding hands and hugging. She realizes that if she needs to explore who she really is, then she has to leave her job. There's no way she can just work part time and keep her neck above water.  She doesn't know for herself if once the love fades for this other woman will she want me back. Sex has never been at the top of her priority list. She may realize the grass isn't greener on the other side, and what we had overall is / was far more important. But she also knows she can't go on knowing what she now knows without going through and discovering herself. If i was to give a fair assessment, she's never going to make a clear decision while she has feelings for this other woman. We are trying to be 100% honest with each other. 
 

I agree with what OutofHisCloset and longwayhome say in the two replies before this one.

Cutting ties means exactly that - change your mobile #, block on social media, get a court cease and desist order if it turns into harassment. Your wife does not have to accept this persons active pursuit.

Marriage is a commitment. You're in it or you're out of it. When in it, you are always working on it.

Yes, you can support her, that is your choice. After 30 years it's understandable to not want to just jettison and walk away. Please remember to also support yourself and avoid negotiating away your core values.


 

Last edited by Daryl (July 1, 2021 11:26 am)

I'm sorry if i offended anyone about my tomboy comments. I am just trying to make sense of all of this and going crazy in my mind saying to myself what signs were there.  Again i apologize. This forum is of a great service to people going though what i'm going through.  I want to thank each and every one of you for taking time out in your day to offer help and support for the likes of me. 

Love you all. 

Last edited by sadday2021 (July 1, 2021 1:26 pm)

Sadday2021, I did not mean to put you down. I don't want straight men to write off straight women just because they to share certain characteristics with their former partners who turned out to be lesbians.

And I'm sorry I dissed Barbies. I always wanted a tool set.

SadDay,
  I admit to a hair trigger on your comment.  My trans identifying ex, in order to feel more feminine, told me he liked my "butchness," and wanted me to remake myself into a "lesbian" to suit his new idea of himself.   I'm sorry I pounced.  Your explanation that you were merely trying to figure it all out makes perfect sense to me, and I'm sorry I didn't pick up on that.