Hi Querty, 

I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. Forgive me as I don’t know your story completely. Is it possible to just slow everything down a bit? Everything I’ve come across suggest not making any changes to the relationship within the first year of the spouses revelation. The first 4 months after my husband came out as bi were very stressful. Then they were several more shifts that eased everything up considerably until right about the one year point. I see that your wife already started (and ended) a relationship with another woman. I can understand that must have been incredibly stressful for you. My husband asked for a very particular and infrequent FWB situation that was very unlikely to be possible anyway, but the stress I felt considering it was sky high. At one point I agreed, only to immediately have a severe anxiety attack and I had to take back the offer for him to see if it was even a possibility. I knew it would be the end if I agreed. We are 18 months out and doing well and monogamous still, but occasionally the crazy thoughts of all that transpired creep back into my mind. Reach out if you need someone to talk to. 

tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (May 21, 2021 11:10 pm)

Qwerty,

I know what you are going through, it resembles enough to my situation 16 years ago. That first year after disclosure was by far the worst year of my life.
When my wife told me she was lesbian, it was a shock but I didn't really understood what that would mean. That is: How I would realy feel about it, the impact it would have on me, and what it would do to our relation. 
The uncertainty about the future, uncertainty what my wife would do, how in earth I could cope with all the scenario's that formed in my head... 
We had four children, what about our family? The list of fears went on and on in my thoughts, and caused a high level of stress.

Like you, I tried to talk with my wife, hoping that would ease my mind, hoping to get some grip and control over it. If I only really knew what was going on in her mind... I would feel more save. And initially we talked, but it was clear it impacted me a lot emotionally. 
It caused me hurt that I couldn't deal with that fast. Dealing with my emotions wasn't my strong side, I was used to rationalize to keep things in check. But that 'method' failed in face of the problem at hand.
My wife saw what it did to me, and didn't want to hurt me, so she didn't want to tell more. But also for her it wasn't that easy to find the right words to express it all. It was confusing and contradictionary to herself too. 
When she tried to tell about herself, I would easily misinterpret (being on edge myself, though I tried to hide it) which caused unnecessary extra trouble. There certainly was a chance it could spiral out of control, so it acutally wasn't that bad an idea not to open to fast. You got to take it slow, even if it seems to hinder progress.

Like you probably know from my story, my wife had fallen in love with a woman, and though contact was broken, these feelings were still there. Which was very stressful for me to notice. What she felt for that woman should have been her feelings for me (all along)! 
Man, this was hard to take! On top of that, these feelings were noticeably directed at someone else, a woman. A given fact that caused that I felt powerless to compete with. My wife felt all kinds of new feelings and on clouds falling in love. So she wasn't thinking that rationaly on the whole, and not the person to stear the situation to a good place. So it all was a chaotic and emotional mess, I regulary felt desparate like you.

But now I can reflect on this period in my life, and give you some advice. I hope you don't discard it because I'm religious, God didn't perform miracles that lifted me out of trouble. I went through it like any man.

- Accept your wife as she is, her sexual orientation is not her choice and not an evil plot against you. She's trying to cope with it herself. It's a question and struggle for her how to do this. She cannot deny what she feels, but she doesn't want to lose you or harm your family.

- Focus on possitive stories and activly ignore the others. Your biggest adversary at the moment is fear, don't feed it! Let the light of hope shine in. Nobody can guarantee success, but you and your wife are the main characters in it. You two define the outcome, nobody else.

- Don't feel obliged to swim with the stream. Be obstinate. think independently, be aware to use your freedom of mind, and move in it. Who's telling you what to do? Would you allow to let them? Be free, think free!

- When you really communicate, know and be known and accepted to the deepest levels, you'll realize your relation becomes what it's meant to be. Don't try to restore what was (it had good intentions but it was wanting), start something new and better!


I don't know the personality of your wife, but if she's a bit like the the things I write, it can all turn out very differently than you think. This crisis you're in now, could turn out to be the pivot that launches your relation to something better than you or your wife imagined.
It can potentially change you both, and when you look back to this period in time you'll be grateful it happened. 


Practically for short term:

Don't rush it, allow yourself and your wife time to formulate thoughts and feelings and time to process. Don't push or force. Find rest in your mind, allow yourself to think of hope of a possitive future, take regular walks (forrest) and give your mind a rest. 

It would help to find couples counseling, someone who can help getting communication going, a bit like a mediator. At first to guide the process of really talking and expressing, someone that helps understand emotions, allows those to be, while you and your wife learn to talk.
Mind you: This isn't an easy thing, the first couple of months it was so difficult for me! Confronting me with myself and with the situation I and my wife was in. It takes time, so allow it to develop (and make very sure you have a good therapist!)

ok, Qwerty - so I am sitting here wanting to help, knowing what you need and not knowing how to say it.  

bold is best I guess.  This is not possible, some on the ground support for you required - she has her closet.  On the other hand you are you, you are a real person, you are facing something that all of us have found we cannot cope with alone. You need support.  You need some support on the ground.  Best is family.  

I've just remembered something - I was in such shock when I realised my husband was GID I literally fell to the ground.  I lay there alone in the dark as the light of the computer died unable and unwilling to move - and I had this thought - what he does is up to him but I can tell, and I completely promised myself I would.  that was enough to get me off the ground.  that's how important it was to break the closet's spell.

It's innate - intimacy comes with the seal of the confessional - instinctively I'd protected his secret but now the seal was broken.  I spoke with a friend and I went to the doctor.  And that really did something for me, I felt better, more grounded straight away.  more me again - it helped, it was comforting in a little sort of way.

you are strong and a good man, that is clear from your posts, keep on taking it step by step.  talking here is good, we can help as much as we can of course.

Last edited by lily (May 22, 2021 3:10 pm)

Thank you all. Remaining in the mom after a good chat. Just need to figure out a way for her to open up now. She does not discuss her feelings much, let alone her sexuality. And if I bring up something she assumes it is all about her sexuality, but it is not. It is where we are as a couple, what I can do to validate her other side rather than participating in bierasure, and where we need or want to go. It pains me that she sees every effort on my part to be more in touch with her as a partner and with her newfound self that it is an attack on her sexuality. Any tips out there on how to close the gap?

She says I am already helping with full acceptance but I just want to be there for her. And it is just nice to know when she is in a cycle so that I know why she may be acting differently or is cold shouldering me. We are making good progress but I yearn to talk about this topic openly without feeling like I have to walk on broken glass.

Thank you for the input Dutchman. I react with the truth, it is the only way for me. I just can't lie. So I am not doing myself any favours there but there is not much of a choice, she is opeñ to couples couñcelling when I am ready for it, but I think it is still too early forthat. Doing seperate therapy for now but am hitting a dead end with it. Will see if my therapist thinks if it is too early or not, I hate living in the closet, unable to communicate with my partner and under a sex embargo because she can't get the so out of her head. The injustice... I am being patient but I can't take my reaction when she tells me something. Nor should I. I guess it is what it is.He needs to open up over the next few years or I will be forced to leave. I can't live in a relationship where we can't talk about everything openly.