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1 - Qwerty
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Fork in the road
Just an update and outreach for advice. My wife is finally out of her funk and upbeat. She is working hard and I can see she wants us to work in a mom. I am still the only one volunteering feelings though and am terrified I am dealing with a closeted lesbian. She self identifies as bi but always uses the term gay. She is unwilling to share where she is in her journey and says that she'd is just not ready to reveal things related to her sexual identity and anything to do with women. She says she is missing something and occasionally tells me "I am getting there" not saying what there is. I now found some material written a month ago to fill some of the gaps and am torn with what to think. Been playing good cop and bad cop with each point and it is tearing me to pieces. Hope to see some input to make me see different angles before I see my therapist. I've got my own thoughts but do not want to cloud any of your opinions.
1. Before she came out to herself she has acknowledged to herself that if ever alone she "wouldn't pursue men anymore"
2. She is "realizing" that as "long as she remembers" she has kept her eyes closed during foreplay and thought about women "to get in the mood for my husband".
3. Scared she will never want sex with me and if so that it is only out of duty and that she fears she may never be ready. She has disclosed the former, but not the latter two to me.
There was more, but I won't go into the rest. Alit is just generally upsetting that she is denying having had an emotional affair to my face and then seeing written among points 1 to 3 that she was "madly in love" and afterwards "heartbroken and desperately missing her". How I interpret the three points above will be pivitol in how I move forward so I just want to cover all angles.
- Dutchman
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Re: Fork in the road
Qwerty,
I could be wrong, but I don't get the impression your wife is in denial or closeted, but rather: afraid to (fully) tell you what she feels. It could well be she's lesbian, (or more to the lesbian than bi side of the spectrum), but fears you can't handle it if she tells you.
She still loves you, but expects when she tells that she's (more like) lesbian, it will be the end of the relation. Like you wrote yourself that if she's lesbian it will be the end of it. If that's the case she feels trapped.
So at the moment you block her being open and honest, but at the same time you want her to be open and honest. That obviously won't work.
But you could reconsider if your wife is indeed lesbian that automatically means certain death to the marriage. Why do you think that's the only option?
(I'm married to a lesbian for many years, and our relation has become great, including the sex).
Next to that: presently she can't share her feelings and emotions safely with you. That will erode her happiness and appreciation of the marriage.
In contrast, if you would be able to handle what she expresses, this would open doors and bring you two much closer and connected. And that's the thing you want, if you want to save your marriage.
I think couples counseling with a therapist who has knowledge of MOM's (including the successful kind) could help you both a lot.
- Gloria
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Re: Fork in the road
She is a lesbian-no doubt about it. When I was 12 or 13, I dreamed of kissing boys. When she was 12 or 13, she dreamed of kissing girls and doing other sexual acts. I am so sorry but if you want to stay with her, I wish you the very best.
- Qwerty
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Re: Fork in the road
Dutchman wrote:
Qwerty,
I could be wrong, but I don't get the impression your wife is in denial or closeted, but rather: afraid to (fully) tell you what she feels...But you could reconsider if your wife is indeed lesbian that automatically means certain death to the marriage. Why do you think that's the only option?....Next to that: presently she can't share her feelings and emotions safely with you. That will erode her happiness and appreciation of the marriage.
In contrast, if you would be able to handle what she expresses, this would open doors and bring you two much closer and connected.
Thank you so much for the valuable input. I guess I am blocking her. I need to be more thoughtful but it is hard. I just see her as lying by omission and that part I do not like and a marriage cannot stand on lies. I know your story and thank you for sharing it. We miss the faith portion that appears to be key in your case. I need to be more open minded and need to consider that as an option. Thank you for your valuable input.
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Thread Starter- Qwerty
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Re: Fork in the road
She is a lesbian-no doubt about it. When I was 12 or 13, I dreamed of kissing boys. When she was 12 or 13, she dreamed of kissing girls and doing other sexual acts. I am so sorry but if you want to stay with her, I wish you the very best.
thank you very much. I am going to need all the input I can get on this. I don't want it to end and cannot bare to look my two year and four year old into their eyes and explain that mommy and daddy are splitting. Especially my sensitive two year old. I need to consider mom too but only if I can take it and she can be honest and faithful. I am all over the place right now. I need to slowly process this and not make any rash decisions.
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Thread Starter- Gloria
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Re: Fork in the road
She is a lesbian-no doubt about it. When I was 12 or 13, I dreamed of kissing boys. When she was 12 or 13, she dreamed of kissing girls and doing other sexual acts. I am so sorry but if you want to stay with her, I wish you the very best.
- TangledOil
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Re: Fork in the road
Gloria, I’m not sure if this is an error or glitch, but repeating the same thing seems unnecessary. I sincerely apologize if it was unintentional.
Tangled
Last edited by TangledOil (May 21, 2021 11:01 am)
- lily
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Re: Fork in the road
Qwerty, sorry but I think you have to define what making a MOM work means for your wife. Does it include having a girlfriend? seems like might be.
wishing you all the best.
- Qwerty
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Re: Fork in the road
Thank you lily. Right now she says I cannot help her with anything in regards to her bisexuality. Can't blame her. My reaction on d day, weakened by sickness I may add, that she could experiment, keeping it pg. I could not take it and told her to just be friends and hugs and that I needed more time and the gf did not take it well. I think I am out of my league for mom. Don't have the strength. I do not know what to think anymore. Am torn to pieces. Two hours of therapy and I feel worse now than before. I love her so damn much. I thought I could do this thing but am just spiralling out of control. Not going to do it but at moment just wish I was dead to get rid of the pain. Frozen with indecision. I am so desperate for info and I am not getting it. I know about the safe environment I need to create for that Dutchman, but I just cannot do it. Lord have mercy on my soul. I want us to work but I am so insecure now that it is tearing me to shreds. I am completely unhinged. I need her to tell me the good the bad and the ugly. I need all the cards on The table so we can make a decision that does the least damage to everyone. There is just no good way out of this. I just can't live like this. I feel like such a bad husband. I know I should not but I do. Been over two months and none the wiser. Can take a lifetime to figure out her sexuality. Right now I feel so weak. Like an empty shell. Sorry for the dark post. Just laying it all out there.
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Thread Starter