OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Looking for support

**Posted by LeeryLeprechaun** February 11, 2021 10:03 pm

My wife came out as bi about a year and a half ago. We have three kids, a home, and have been happily married for 11+ years. When she first told me she said, "I am bi, this does not change anything, I still want to be married". That has changed over the last year into, "I desperately want to have sex with a woman, are you sure staying married is best for both of us." I am young, and most of my friends are either unmarried or new to marriage. I do not really feel like I have anyone to talk to and would like to know if anyone else here has been able to make their bi-hetero marriage work. I really want to make our marriage work but also don't want to live a lie or a life where I am unhappy. We are looking into couples counseling.

**Posted by Julian_Stone** February 11, 2021 10:54 pm

Hi Leery...I'm sorry you've found yourself here. As a mother, I cannot imagine any sex would be worth blowing up my family & hurting my spouse/child....so, I'm not going to sugarcoat it: I think your wife is being profoundly selfish.

I am in a bi-hetero marriage. The issue isn't the bisexuality (that your wife is capable of being attracted to both men and women)...The issue is that your wife wants intimacy with others. If you wouldn't be cool with your wife seeing other men...you're probably not going to feel any better about it being another woman. That's OK. Most of us didn't sign up for that. I think counseling is a good step—having a third party navigate some of the difficult conversations you need to have....My only advice is to not lose sight of your happiness...your values....and what you need to be fulfilled.

**Posted by LeeryLeprechaun** February 11, 2021 11:07 pm

@Julian_Stone

Do you have any advice on how to make a relationship like this work? I agree, I do not want to destroy our marriage over sex, despite what an important part that is to a healthy marriage. I also agree that she is being really selfish if she were to prioritize sex with another person over me, our children, and everything we have built together. I think that is what has been hardest for me. I did not do anything wrong, and I feel like I am the one how is having to face all the consequences.

**Posted by Daryl** February 11, 2021 11:36 pm

You are correct - you did nothing wrong. This whole situation sucks. But you also learn a lot about yourself in the process.

I think it's significant that your spouse is asking 'are you sure?' There may be something here she's not saying to avoid hurting you. An honest conversation about this is critical. I also think individual counseling is also valuable.

Don't lose sight of yourself.

**Posted by Gloria** February 12, 2021 8:06 am

I have been seeing a therapist for four years. She does not tell me what to do and I will not tell you what to do about your situation Please feel free to post anytime and if you don't feel comfortable posting to the group, you may send me a private message. I am here to listen not to shame you or tell you what to do.

**Posted by Upside** February 12, 2021 10:27 am

If possible, explore individual counseling as well. This will allow you to freely express what you want in a safe, healthy way, without influence from your wife's needs. Couples counseling alone can be problematic if your wife is intent on bending the truth, as seen in her desire to place the decision of continuing at your feet.

It is very reasonable to be angry that your marriage isn't what she promised you. It is also very unfair that she's placing this decision in your hands, effectively forcing a divorce or allowing her to explore her desires while you have children. These aren't kind behaviors.

It may also help to define your personal core values and those of your ideal marriage. These could be loyalty, honesty, and commitment. When you're discussing if this relationship can work, you can view if her actions violate these values. If they do then no amount of therapy can assist. She has a different vision of her core life than you do. And if they do not, possibly you can live as a MOM in a way that makes you both fulfilled.

Wishing you strength and happy days ahead.

Last edited by Upside (February 12, 2021 10:29 am)

**Posted by Blue Bear** February 13, 2021 1:55 pm

Her comment ""I desperately want to have sex with a woman, are you sure staying married is best for both of us" prompts a lot of questions.

1. "Bi" is often the convenient, softening-the-blow label that in-denial spouses try on for a while. Maybe she's "bi", or maybe she's a lesbian. The question is whether you are comfortable spending the rest of your life with someone who is decidedly "not straight".

2. Does she have a girlfriend on the side who you don't know about? The questioning of your marriage, along with her expression of her desire to be with a woman, strongly suggest that she's had some sort of awakening experience that has shifted her thinking. I would try to gather some information.

3. You can't make any marriage work (straight, bi/hetero, whatever) if one person is fiddling with the knob on the exit door. You can't save a marriage on your own. Ask yourself what YOU want from a marriage. Would you want to be married to someone who is same-sex attracted, wants to be with someone of her same sex, and is questioning whether she wants to be married to you?

Good luck. Keep posting.

**Posted by fbarcola** February 13, 2021 4:01 pm

Leery - get into couples counseling pronto. It's probably *not* going to save your marriage if your wife is gay. She may be lying to you because she is lying to herself; the counseling will help to elicit clarity all around.

NONE of this is your fault.

**Posted by Julian_Stone** February 13, 2021 4:56 pm

Hi again, Leery. I hope you're doing OK. I just wanted to reiterate what others have said: None of this is your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your wife needs to decide what is more important to her. You can't make that decision for her. You can't save this marriage on your own. As others have alluded...you also need to mentally prepare yourself for the worst case scenario: Your wife may, in fact, be gay. Hopefully counseling will help you both move forward with complete honesty.

Take care of yourself — and post here any time you need a sounding board. We all know how hard this is.