OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / How many just “want” to know the whole story?

**Posted by TangledOil** January 22, 2021 2:14 pm

Hi Hawklover, I just read your initial post and if I were you I’d get out now, or if safe to do so, confront him about your suspicions with a definitive exit plan. Your situation is very scary to me. He may even meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. Look that up when you get a chance.

Tangled

**Posted by Hawklover** January 22, 2021 5:28 pm

Hi Tangled
I don’t want to hijack this post but wanted to thank you for your input. I am aware of that disorder and am concerned as well.

**Posted by Upside** January 25, 2021 4:19 pm

Yes, I want to know. The lack of finality was impossible to bear.

It became clear that my wife of 20 years didn't believe telling the truth was a requirement. When confronted about her sexuality and affairs she said "some things are private". Sigh. If there was truth to be found, it wasn't through her.

So, I went back with her to try one final time, to prove to her she couldn't control her love/sex addiction with women, and to prove to myself what had occurred. I snuck an audio recorder in her purse. It caught them locking their kids in a room, saying "I love you" and heading off to the bedroom for 30 minutes. Confirmed. She has no idea I know.

In fact, this gives me an idea: I'm going to write a guide here on how to gather evidence. Is it moral? I don't believe being lied to, gaslit, or cheated on for decades is moral, but to each their own.

**Posted by Brighter Days** January 25, 2021 7:44 pm

I don't think I'd ever get the full story. I'm certainly not wasting any time trying to have him tell me! I don't think he could ever be that honest with himself or knows what the truth is himself. He's chosen to live a life of deception for a long time. Would the full story cause me more pain? Probably. Not interested in that now.

**Posted by Blue Bear** January 26, 2021 12:59 am

I wanted to know the full story, too. But asking my liar ex-wife for details about her cover affair with a woman and providing precise details about her lies just seemed unproductive. I wanted truth (i.e., what actually happened) from a compulsive liar. Sort of like looking for water in the desert -- a waste of time.

**Posted by Rob** January 26, 2021 9:14 am

Upside wrote;
"..I'm going to write a guide here on how to gather evidence. Is it moral?.."

I think we could all contribute to that guide.

Like you I think morality becomes shifted.. when you have a cheating spouse they are not going to tell you
anything...anything they say will be twisted or wrapped in half-truths if there is any truth. They have already made the decision that lying to you is ok.. Be prepared for their shock and dismay when they find out you kept information from them.. They can dish it out but then cant take it.. they feel entitled to complete and transparent honesty from us.. but they do not have to give us the same.

Yes is it hard unknowing.

**Posted by Julian_Stone** January 26, 2021 1:28 pm

I don't think anyone here should feel bad about snooping...It's self-preservation, really...In so many stories here, the straight spouse only gets the truth when the evidence is simply insurmountable.

Last edited by Julian_Stone (January 26, 2021 1:28 pm)

**Posted by Blue Bear** January 26, 2021 2:58 pm

Julian_Stone wrote:
I don't think anyone here should feel bad about snooping...

I agree. We are obtaining information that we deserve to know and that is being wrongfully withheld from us. I also prefer to use a word other than "snooping", which conjures up nosy neighbors peeking over the fence. I prefer to use the term "discovering", which doesn't carry that negative connotation.

**Posted by ThisTooShallPass** January 26, 2021 5:37 pm

Blue Bear wrote:
Julian_Stone wrote:
I don't think anyone here should feel bad about snooping...
I agree. We are obtaining information that we deserve to know and that is being wrongfully withheld from us. I also prefer to use a word other than "snooping", which conjures up nosy neighbors peeking over the fence. I prefer to use the term "discovering", which doesn't carry that negative connotation.

This is how I feel. I felt guilty at first, but no more. My sister reminded me, that most people give up the expectation of that type of privacy when they get married, and there shouldn't be anything worth hiding in a marriage. I haven't found anything particularly nefarious or salacious like others here, but he already took away my right to make an informed decision about entering this marriage, and I feel I have a right to know if there is anything else going on that affects MY life and marriage.

**Posted by Upside** January 29, 2021 3:23 pm

ThisTooShallPass wrote:
This is how I feel. I felt guilty at first, but no more. My sister reminded me, that most people give up the expectation of that type of privacy when they get married, and there shouldn't be anything worth hiding in a marriage. I haven't found anything particularly nefarious or salacious like others here, but he already took away my right to make an informed decision about entering this marriage, and I feel I have a right to know if there is anything else going on that affects MY life and marriage.

I love this.

The idea of marriage without big secrets always looming in the background sounds like a fantasy novel right now.