OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / The actual divorce. Advice?

**Posted by Blue Bear** October 21, 2020 1:26 pm

Victo: My number one piece of advice is to get a place of your own if you haven't yet. You need a place where you can be safe and attempt to obtain some clean mental headspace. A narcissist will psychologically torture you -- it's part of their game, and it's best to walk away from the table if you can.

**Posted by Rob** October 21, 2020 1:48 pm

Victo,

You should seek professional help to function..I had 2..a therapist to help process everything and a psychiatrist..aka the pill lady. There is no shame in needing antidepressants..its not forever..it helped me tremendously although I found they made me indifferent..like her.

In regards to bluebear's advice of getting a place..it is correct. A safe place away from the abuse is important.
I counter that though with not everyone can afford another place and it could make the divorce drag on since she will be away from you then also..free to have her girlfriend over all the time. Free to keep the kids away from you.
I stayed..mainly because I wanted to see my kids and I could not afford two places. On a moral level also I have done nothing wrong..why should I have to flee. I will say its not for the faint hearted to stay but it did give me some leverage during the divorce..ie..you want me to leave etc..sign the settlement.

Important thing I would still do is just maintain status quo as much as you can while going through the process..stick to your routines and don't try to solve everything in one day. Dont be afraid to put some things..ie where will she live..in the "not my problem bucket". We love these spouses but they have forfeited their right for us to solve all the problems they created..

**Posted by ExBeard** October 21, 2020 3:50 pm

Watch Season 2 of Dirty John ‘The Betty Broderick story’
She’s divorcing a narcissist. So gender reversal. He continually pokes the snake for a reaction then plays victim and claims she’s mad. Most infuriating thing I’ve ever watched. Disengage with her at all costs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RE-GwkeZQmI

You're the straight spouse who unwittingly married a lesbian. You're going into this with strong victim status. DON'T LET HER STEAL IT.

Attorneys take parental alienation really seriously. A.K.A one parent poisoning the children against the other. Now viewed as child abuse. It has the power to swing the pendulum in the father’s favour. Do you have evidence of this? I’d get your attorney to be basing your custody case around this.

Although my Dad's friend had same sitch (narcissist ex). Asked for nothing. Threw no mud. Took it lying down. Let her embarrass herself. And the unbelievable happened. Judge saw through it. He got full custody. Her supervised visitation. And the judge gave him a hug for his ordeal. (Crazy but true).

Last edited by ExBeard (October 21, 2020 5:05 pm)

**Posted by Upside** March 3, 2021 1:42 pm

This whole thread is gold. Thanks to everyone for sharing your experience.