OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / I’m emotionally and physically drained.

**Posted by LisaT** September 29, 2020 3:57 pm

I don’t even know where to start. I’m not upset my husband has been fooling around with men I’m upset that there are a million lies to go with it. We’ve been together 25 years and I now know half of it he’s been unfaithful to me. I only just learned about all of this September 1st. It’s all new and fresh and painful. My husband is a cereal cheater. He says now that it’s out in the open he will never cheat again. He’s sorry and wants me to stay. I really honestly don’t know what to do.i don’t know how to trust him again yet I love him and don’t want to leave him.

**Posted by SusanneH** September 29, 2020 4:42 pm

Hi Lisa,

Your story sounds similar to mine, except I was terribly upset that my husband had been cheating on me with men our entire marriage, and we’d only been together 15 years. But, he said the same: now that I know, he’ll never do it again (behind my back anyway). He’s gone back & forth a few times wondering if he can stay away from men his entire life. He’s been doing it since Boy Scouts. But, he has been faithful since then, which was June 1, 2019, which is the longest he’s gone without having sex with a man. So, it isn’t a magic cure we have, but something in the works. We don’t know if it will work, but we’re trying. Before, we were best friends; loved the same things; just seemed like a great marriage.....even had a good sex life! & still is good when we’re on good terms.
I know you’re in a world of hurt and confusion right now.. Take a deep breath and remember to take care of YOU. That comes first, even with everything else.
You don’t have to figure if you can ever trust him again right now. It takes time..... a lot of time of him proving himself.
When it first happened, I wasn’t sure I was going to stay. I had always said if my husband cheated, I was GONE, no 2nd chances, but it didn’t seem right (in my case-everyone is different) to just leave right away. So, I stayed, and we’re working it out one day at a time. It’s been a roller coaster ride, just like they said it would be. There are some good days, and a lot of days of turmoil, too.
It’ll be up to the BOTH of you to decide if you want to stay together, and if you do, the section “Strategies for MOM’s” (mixed orientation marriages) is a good place to look for others’ experiences.
Also, some couples decide to open their marriages so the bi/gay can be fulfilled. In my case, I just can’t do that. I’m monogamous by nature. It’s what I believe a marriage ought to be..two people joined together....not 3 or more. But, some couples do it and make it work as long as BOTH want it. I’ve seen too many (mostly wives) open the marriage to make their husband’s happy/fulfilled, even if they didn’t really want to, and it hurt them badly. So, that’s what would happen to me, and why I can’t do it. It’s totally an individual decision.

Ask anything you want any time. Post anything you want any time.

((((HUGS))))

**Posted by Daryl** September 29, 2020 5:52 pm

Perhaps the question is what is he going to do to prove his commitment? Trust isn't given, it's earned.

**Posted by Blue Bear** September 29, 2020 7:06 pm

Us straight spouses have to combat the mess that is being married to a non-straight spouse, yet often in the context of infidelity. Consider reading "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Tracey Schorn (a/k/a "The Chump Lady"). If he's been unfaithful (with men, women, animals, whatever) for half of your quarter century marriage, he's got a lot of explaining to do.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** September 29, 2020 9:07 pm

Ok. I'm baffled. Why AREN'T you upset your husband has been fooling around with men for twelve years? And what is ok about a person who says "now that you know I'll stop"? Does that mean that if you didn't know he'd keep on doing it? Doesn't sound like much to hang your trust on, or a marriage.

**Posted by LisaT** September 29, 2020 11:27 pm

Thank you all so much for replying to me. I couldn’t figure out how to reply back individually so here’s thiis anyway.

I’ve been doing a lot of crying and a lot of questions and I feel like I got all of the story anyway. So .. he is Bi that really doesn’t bother me. Was I shocked? yes of course but not bothered by that.

The years of lies and cheating bother me. I look at him and think I never knew him at all. He claims it all started about 12 years ago out of nowhere. Anyone else ever hear that? Is that really how this starts? He met men at lunch time and got oral. Who knows if anything else ..that’s what he claims he did. His cheating hurt me to my soul.

The thing is .. I still love him. We had what I thought was a great marriage. Maybe I gave him too much room to do his own thing. I want to believe I can get thru this but I’m just not sure.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** September 30, 2020 5:25 am

LisaT

There's a reason "the years of lies and cheating bother[s]" you. You were giving him your love and trust in what you thought was "a great marriage" while he was living a secret life of hook-ups with men and putting your health at risk.

Sometimes it helps to take "the gay" out of things. Ask yourself: how would you feel and what would be your reaction if he had been meeting prostitutes at lunch for the past 12 years to get blow jobs? This is not a one-time slip up. This is a parallel life carried on behind your back, woven in to his day-to-day existence. He kissed you good-bye in the morning knowing full well what was on his menu for lunch. Perhaps the secrecy even enhanced the experience for him.

You say he "hurt me to my soul." Now you have to decide if there are consequences to him for that. I suggest a visit to Chump Lady (google her blog). It might clarify things for you.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 30, 2020 5:27 am)

**Posted by lily** September 30, 2020 9:00 am

Hi Lisa,

I must admit I am wondering if he hasn't been cheating your whole married life. I mean what changed that he goes from monogamous to a serial cheater, no I haven't heard of that.

as far as I can determine bisexual is gay in denial. That's what hurts so much about the sexual aspect - not being wanted. It hurts and hurts.

discovering my longterm partner is completely different to the way I believed him to be - yes I have experienced that. it's such a shock isn't it.

**Posted by Daryl** September 30, 2020 10:15 am

Personally, I don't believe someone can go three or more decades into life and then one day, over lunch, becomes a regular at the local park secret meet-up spot, adult video store booth or where-ever. It's possible that 12 years ago was the first time opportunity knocked but I would expect that there was an interest in this sort of activity for much longer than he's admitting.

We have reserves of strength and courage we are unaware of. Invest in yourself and engage in a little self-care and you might be amazed at what you can do.

**Posted by Blue Bear** September 30, 2020 1:24 pm

My ex-wife tried to convince me that her affair with the mother of our older daughter's friend "just happened" and she couldn't explain it. Well, she got drunk one night and confessed to me that she knew about her same-sex attraction for at least 20 years. My girlfriend (also a straight spouse) told me that her ex-husband knew he was gay "since age 9". They knew about their same-sex attraction all along.

You commented "Maybe I gave him too much room to do his own thing." Stop that thinking now. You are trying to assume some of the blame for this situation. Most of us straight spouses are highly empathetic people who are prone to falling into thinking this way when the gay bomb drops. This is not your fault; your husband is a pathological liar.