Hi Lisa,

Your story sounds similar to mine, except I was terribly upset that my husband had been cheating on me with men our entire marriage, and we’d only been together 15 years. But, he said the same: now that I know, he’ll never do it again (behind my back anyway). He’s gone back & forth a few times wondering if he can stay away from men his entire life. He’s been doing it since Boy Scouts. But, he has been faithful since then, which was June 1, 2019, which is the longest he’s gone without having sex with a man. So, it isn’t a magic cure we have, but something in the works. We don’t know if it will work, but we’re trying. Before, we were best friends; loved the same things; just seemed like a great marriage.....even had a good sex life! & still is good when we’re on good terms.
I know you’re in a world of hurt and confusion right now.. Take a deep breath and remember to take care of YOU. That comes first, even with everything else. 
You don’t have to figure if you can ever trust him again right now. It takes time..... a lot of time of him proving himself. 
When it first happened, I wasn’t sure I was going to stay. I had always said if my husband cheated, I was GONE, no 2nd chances, but it didn’t seem right (in my case-everyone is different) to just leave right away. So, I stayed, and we’re working it out one day at a time. It’s been a roller coaster ride, just like they said it would be. There are some good days, and a lot of days of turmoil, too. 
It’ll be up to the BOTH of you to decide if you want to stay together, and if you do, the section “Strategies for MOM’s” (mixed orientation marriages) is a good place to look for others’ experiences.
Also, some couples decide to open their marriages so the bi/gay can be fulfilled. In my case, I just can’t do that. I’m monogamous by nature. It’s what I believe a marriage ought to be..two people joined together....not 3 or more. But, some couples do it and make it work as long as BOTH want it. I’ve seen too many (mostly wives) open the marriage to make their husband’s happy/fulfilled, even if they didn’t really want to, and it hurt them badly. So, that’s what would happen to me, and why I can’t do it. It’s totally an individual decision.

Ask anything you want any time. Post anything you want any time. 

((((HUGS))))

Us straight spouses have to combat the mess that is being married to a non-straight spouse, yet often in the context of infidelity.  Consider reading "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Tracey Schorn (a/k/a "The Chump Lady").  If he's been unfaithful (with men, women, animals, whatever) for half of your quarter century marriage, he's got a lot of explaining to do.
 

Hi LisaT,

Welcome to the group no one wants to be a part of. Am very sorry this has happened to you.

If you haven’t done this already, please read through the first few posts of the thread the first aid kit under the general discussion forum. It’s a total shock to the system to make this type of discovery. This thread has suggestions on how to help yourself deal with this.

My suggestion would be to build up your support network. Tell a friend you trust and find good counseling for yourself.  It helps deal with the conflicting emotions. It will help clear some of the brain freeze you may feel.

Whatever you decide to do is something you know deep down inside is right for you & your specific situation. Not his choice, but yours.

Know though that his actions have nothing to do with what you are or who you are. He made the decision to withhold his true orientation & repeatedly break your marriage vows behind your back. Those are terrible things to do.

Please post when you feel the need. We’ve been where you are & came out of it stronger.

Last edited by MJM017 (September 29, 2020 9:44 pm)

LisaT

  There's a reason "the years of lies and cheating bother[s]" you.  You were giving him your love and trust in what you thought was "a great marriage" while he was living a secret life of hook-ups with men and putting your health at risk. 

   Sometimes it helps to take "the gay" out of things.  Ask yourself: how would you feel and what would be your reaction if he had been meeting prostitutes at lunch for the past 12 years to get blow jobs?  This is not a one-time slip up.  This is a parallel life carried on behind your back, woven in to his day-to-day existence.  He kissed you good-bye in the morning knowing full well what was on his menu for lunch.  Perhaps the secrecy even enhanced the experience for him.  

  You say he "hurt me to my soul."  Now you have to decide if there are consequences to him for that.  I suggest a visit to Chump Lady (google her blog).  It might clarify things for you.

   
  
   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 30, 2020 5:27 am)

Personally, I don't believe someone can go three or more decades into life and then one day, over lunch, becomes a regular at the local park secret meet-up spot, adult video store booth or where-ever. It's possible that 12 years ago was the first time opportunity knocked but I would expect that there was an interest in this sort of activity for much longer than he's admitting.

We have reserves of strength and courage we are unaware of. Invest in yourself and engage in a little self-care and you might be amazed at what you can do.