OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / How to get off THEIR rollercoaster

**Posted by TakenbySurprise** September 22, 2020 8:46 am

We have a plan. Spouse who believes himself to be a trans woman will be moving out of the house in March and we will be separating. For the record, I believe him to actually have autogynephilia. I wish he could leave tomorrow because looking at him makes me ill, but we have to get some financial and medical things taken care of and honestly I'm not ready to tell my children (although at this point I think we will just be telling them we are separating). I'm on my own rollercoaster of emotions and seeing a counselor, but I have stabilized a bit emotionally and am just counting the days and making my plans.

Meanwhile, spouse is basically on his own rollercoaster. One moment he's depressed he's giving up our life and won't be seeing the me or the kids as much (although he regularly ignores us, so not sure why) and then giddy at the thought of buying artwork for his new place. Hugging and trying to kiss me one moment, distant the next. Bringing me flowers and buying me things when I have asked him not to and the next "chatting" online with "other (trans) women."

I can't stand this. I can barely process all of my own stuff. I can't handle his too.

**Posted by Rob** September 22, 2020 12:25 pm

Its amazing how they can justify or compartmentalize their behavior. The behavior is not moral and broken..it really becomes worst than the gay or trans.
I think you've taken good steps toward getting away from it. For myself I needed the divorce to get away and get closure. Separating gives you safety and relief from the abuse..gives you strength . Each in its own time..great steps for getting away from something you cannot fix. It never ceases to amaze me how they expect full loyalty and support while hurting us. It's definitely THEIR rollercoaster..

Last edited by Rob (September 22, 2020 12:40 pm)

**Posted by TakenbySurprise** September 24, 2020 1:13 pm

It just never stops. Last night, he told me he was renting a PO BOX to get packages of clothes, wigs, shoes. And also planning to spend almost a $1k to get laser hair removal. He had already made the appointments! This is not what we agreed to and I told him so. I've only known for four weeks! Of course, I couldn't sleep most of the night.

He got mad at me this morning because I asked him to please treat me as he would want our daughter to be treated in the same situation. He was livid and told me he was ready to leave now and I don't have the right to veto his choices and he was ready to hand over custody of the kids and just be a check writer. When I asked for time, he told me I needed to get over it because he has waited long enough and because he was going to do what he wanted and he wants his own life. And on and on. . .

And then two hours later he wants to talk to me again and is crying and apologizing and breaking down, saying he's not ready to leave, not ready to change.

**Posted by Abby** September 24, 2020 2:33 pm

It sounds to me as if you may need a separation agreement now that will define among other things how money is to be spent to deal with the "financial and medical things" before the physical exit.

Laser hair removal is not medically necessary and it and the other things your husband will want is going to take away money that should be used to stabilize the marital finances for a clean exit.

If you haven't consulted an attorney so you know how the law works where you live now is the time to do so, without telling him.

**Posted by Zenobia** September 24, 2020 3:44 pm

Taken - Your situation is a bit similar to mine and yes it is a roller coaster and we are in a spot where we are expected to manage our own roller coaster and theirs as well.

In my case they are spending (I am spending as the sole provider) >5k plus always coming home with new clothes and shoes. “To do” lists still sit idle but appointments can be made for laser and shots and pills and time to chat on the phone and text for hours each day to new friends (yes the same with the ignoring the kid, that part really struck with me as it is the same here). It’s all difficult to handle on top of handling everything else. I’m on the mobile version so cannot scroll the thread but I think someone mentioned the behavior being even beyond TTT. So perhaps TTT and a combo of a personality issue? I have no idea and I guess in terms of handling my new reality it doesn't much matter. I get their being excited about being this new person and the constant preening of what I’ve read is like another puberty. Guess I’m saying being the one that is then tossed all of the responsibilities being dropped is difficult.

I’ve been working hard on detachment and that has helped a bit. So I can certainly suggest that as something to try. Work stress has put a pause on it but I’ve also received a lot of great info on working through betrayal from a friend that I want to work through just to process everything.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** September 24, 2020 4:40 pm

That your spouse wants to go full speed ahead and will not slow down is typical, customary, usual behavior of the transitioning spouse. When I began searching online after my now-ex came out to me, one of the first things I found was a blog by a transwoman who actually warned women to secure their finances and to be prepared for this kind of over the top spending and the attitude that comes with it.

It is one reason I counsel every woman who comes here with a trans spouse to visit a lawyer ASAP in order to secure and protect finances. (It's also the reason I believe that getting away and on your own as quickly as you can is the best course of action.)

**Posted by TakenbySurprise** September 25, 2020 10:36 pm

Already had the appointment with an attorney (and I am one too although not currently practicing). After the outburst of this week, we sat down and hammered out a legal separation agreement in principle. We also agreed to move up the move out date. I just need to clean up the draft some and we will be getting it notarized. I may be shellshocked, but I'm not stupid. I am not falling for any more of his half-truths. I want it all on paper from here on out.

It's going to be a financial struggle, but I want him out of the house. It's hard to believe it's only been one month today since he disclosed. I still don't understand how my life became such a dumpster fire.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** September 26, 2020 8:11 am

It's admirable that you have your wits about you to protect yourself (and your children) with a legal agreement, especially as you have had so little time since disclosure.

**Posted by Terracotta** September 27, 2020 9:04 am

Hi there Taken,
I've experienced what you are going through now, around 3 years ago. I have lost everything and was forced to start a new life and I don't even care now. It was worth it.
I cut ties with them after I remained friends for like two years or so and ruining my own mental health, getting depression, etc. You will instantly feel better the moment you cut ties with them.
I can just advise you not doing it half-heartedly though. You won't regret it.

**Posted by TakenbySurprise** September 27, 2020 10:13 pm

Unfortunately, I can't cut ties with him because we have children. If it were just me, I would have been gone the next day. But I have kids who are at the worst developmental age for this (both entering puberty, including one with special needs). So, I have to figure out a way to co-parent and pay the bills when I haven't worked in almost a decade.