OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Brand new and trying to figure things out...

**Posted by Horsedogmom** September 7, 2020 10:34 am

I am brand new. Two weeks ago I confronted my husband of 22 years, only to learn that he had been sleeping with men for 15 years. He's also recently HIV+ and a heavy meth user for the last 5 years. (We haven't had sex in more than 8 years.) First I have to get him into a rehab (he's been clean, I think, for two weeks. I'm looking at places that have an LGBTQ support program. He says he doesn't know what he wants, and I feel completely adrift, but I can't imagine myself alone. He thought I would throw him out if and when I ever learned the truth, so I don't think he contemplated our staying together. We have some serious financial issues and home repairs to sort out after the drug problem, so there is maybe some time for us to figure it out. I'd like to have counseling. I don't think I could do an open marriage. Any feedback or support is appreciated.
Thanks.

**Posted by Horsedogmom** September 7, 2020 12:31 pm

I hear what you are saying. He's being treated for the HIV and nearly undetectable already, FWIW. Am consulting financial advisor and also will seek legal advice.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 7, 2020 3:25 pm

Horsedogmom wrote:
.......... First I have to get him into a rehab (he's been clean, I think, for two weeks. I'm looking at places that have an LGBTQ support program. He says he doesn't know what he wants, and I feel completely adrift, but I can't imagine myself alone........

Why is it that you have to get him into a programme? Seems he's relying on you to take care of his problems. Even if you have to sit him down and talk to him about it...he's an adult, I'd be saying to him "this should come from you, this is your life, not mine"
And welcome to our Forum HDMom

Elle

**Posted by Horsedogmom** September 7, 2020 3:51 pm

Yeah, he has to make the decision, but for the past two years he's been paralyzed with anxiety. He's unable to do the research himself unfortunately.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 7, 2020 4:35 pm

Horsedogmom wrote:
Yeah, he has to make the decision.....

No sex for 8 years....wow. I've not had sex with my partner for a year almost. It was a deliberate decision for my health, because I realised often the health of a partner is the last thing on a man's mind when sex is in the front of it. You have the added weight on your shoulders of him being a meth-user so you must feel burdened by his troubles.
Do you have people...friends, family, counselors...to talk to?
..

**Posted by Horsedogmom** September 7, 2020 6:29 pm

Yes, I called a therapist our family had used previously as soon as I found out, and I've been meeting with her three times a week. I've also got a big family and friend network that I can talk to. It was certainly a double-triple whammy. I'm certainly still in shock over it.

**Posted by Stronger** September 7, 2020 9:30 pm

Welcome horsedogmom. This is definitely not as easy road but you already show so much strength by getting your husband the help he needs right now. Finding someone for you to talk to will also be very helpful. Right now you probably feel some relief at knowing the truth but resentment is behind that relief. I hope that you’re husband can get clean, find some counseling and that you can find your feet as well. I am working to keep my marriage and it is work, for both of you. But there are some great people on the MOM board that can steer you in the right direction.

**Posted by Horsedogmom** September 8, 2020 9:02 am

Thanks. I feel like I'm pushing the resentment down for the moment and it will bowl me over once he leaves for rehab. I already feel some cracks in my composure. I can't decide if I'm just crazy to even want to try to make it work or not. Questions for therapists...

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 8, 2020 6:16 pm

Horsedogmom wrote:
Thanks. I feel like I'm pushing the resentment down for the moment and it will bowl me over once he leaves for rehab. I already feel some cracks in my composure. I can't decide if I'm just crazy to even want to try to make it work or not. Questions for therapists...

While he's in rehab may be a good time to think about this more yes?
How long will his rehab be for, and I'm not sure if you've said but do
you have any children?

Elle

**Posted by Horsedogmom** September 9, 2020 6:57 am

I believe it will be for 30 days. Not sure when it is starting. We have two boys 17 and 19. One knows about the drug issue. Both know that there is anxiety and depression. They also are not stupid and have found his toys, so they likely know what's up.