Hello HD Mom,

Welcome & sorry you are a member of a club no one wants to join. That is a lot to handle in one fell swoop.

I am not sure what feedback you’re looking for. I believe it is very difficult & painful to watch over your shoulder to sense if he’s using meth again. That drug is very difficult to stay away from. He is like a double-edged sword with HIV - he can give it to a male sex partner & pass it on through injecting meth while sharing needles. If you have joint assets, you could be forced to pay someone a large settlement if he gives a sex partner HIV.  You also have financial issues on top of everything else.

Staying together is what you want. If this was me, I would make plans to leave. The stress & lack of trust would wreak havoc with my health. I’d feel I had turned into a 24/7 security cam & not a cherished partner. I would fear he would be cooking batches of meth behind my back to make money. If he’s arrested, I believe you are considered an accomplice since you are cotenants or co-owners of your place.

I would consult a few meth addiction counselors just for you - not him - to be clear what’s possible with a meth addict. Also, I would consult a few family law attorneys to weigh your options for your future. You don’t have to file for divorce or make a legal move.

I would advise you to carefully think through your allegiance to your partner. It’s ok to throw a life jacket to a drowning person. However, they may turn around & throw you in the water & not care what happens if it will help them get their next fix.

Take care of yourself!

I didn’t realize undetectable HIV load meant the amount of the virus is so low it won’t be passed on to a sex partner. TBH, he can get exposed to it again through needle sharing or a partner who doesn’t know they have it. Sometimes, whatever can happen will happen.

Am sorry this partner has all these issues. Am happy you are taking the steps you mentioned. It will help you develop a prudent plan.

Yeah, he has to make the decision, but for the past two years he's been paralyzed with anxiety. He's unable to do the research himself unfortunately.

Yes, I called a therapist our family had used previously as soon as I found out, and I've been meeting with her three times a week. I've also got a big family and friend network that I can talk to. It was certainly a double-triple whammy. I'm certainly still in shock over it.

Thanks. I feel like I'm pushing the resentment down for the moment and it will bowl me over once he leaves for rehab. I already feel some cracks in my composure. I can't decide if I'm just crazy to even want to try to make it work or not. Questions for therapists...