I have a split between my rational self and my emotional self.  My rational self understands that I don't have any quarrel with "out" gays, because those aren't the people who are deceiving others.  In theory, I shouldn't have any problem with Pride.  My emotional self still hurts, though, and it's an uphill battle to remember who my abuser is.  It's not the guys who had the courage to tell their parents and their communities the honest truth.  It's guys like my husband who think it's more exciting to live the secret double life.

The toughest Pride Week was not this past year, but the year before.  I had filed for divorce nearly a year earlier, but I was still living in the house, I'd moved into my daughter's bedroom.  One of my husband's drinking buddies invited about 15 guys over for a pre-Pride bash ... without anyone apparently wondering whether under the circumstances this was like pouring salt in an open would for me, in my own house.  They splashed in my pool and partied in my house for several hours.  I watched a baseball game.  They barely acknowledged me -- well, one guy came in and explained that he needed a place to lie down, telling me it was probably just a combination of the drugs and the alcohol.  So I let him use my room.  When they were done, they cleaned their own stuff up and suddenly the house was silent -- nobody even came in to thank me, not even my husband.  I went down and found someone had been using my bathroom and left a wet towel on the floor (we had four bathrooms in the house, there was no need for anyone to be in such a private space).

I locked all the doors that night, and my husband had to kick in a panel in the garage to get home.  Sucks for him.

Because it was a big Pride anniversary year, there were even bigger events in other cities.  So my husband went to NYC claiming he was going to visit our daughter, but she was completely on to his tricks and knew that he was really showing up to see the big international Pride events.  So she took off and stayed with a friend.  She had one dinner with my husband, that was it.

This year was actually easier, because the lockdown meant we didn't have all that going on.  

Last edited by walkbymyself (August 17, 2020 12:50 pm)

I used to get triggered by the events.. but as time goes on I feel better about them. 

Pride = not hiding and not lying about who they are.  Less of that means less of us..   which is our goal. 

However..  I still don't need it shoved in my face.  I also don't need to be forced or shamed into making some public support statement of my own.  My silence doesn't mean hate or lack of support.. it just means I'm going about my own business.