Posted by a_dads_straight_journey  April 29, 2019 11:32 am | #11 |
To put it in straight terms, I would never walk down the street and point out to my wife who I thought was attractive, nor would I want her to do that with me. Both of you are less than 13 years in. As they age they could continually ask for more movement on the boundaries, whether they intend to now or not.
Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (April 29, 2019 11:41 am)
|
Posted by lily April 29, 2019 11:37 am | #12 |
Hi Chalizbet,
I met my ex when I was 19 and I am in my 60's now and the thing that aches about your story for me is how young you are. But you're not that young, time is ticking on and you have a window of opportunity now when you could establish a new life with a straight man that loves you.
Nothing, nothing you or he or any of us can do will save you from the heartbreak, it has already been inflicted on you - he is attracted to men and you are straight. My experience of being a straight woman is that you need a man that is attracted to you one hundred percent, one hundred percent, the same way you are attracted to him.
When I read your initial post the thing that strikes me is that it is all about trying to accommodate his needs and not about your needs. And when I read your second post it looks like they are being buried under a lot of hand-holding.
My instinctive sense of it is that he will shift the goal posts on you again. He will want to redefine monogamy. Today he wants to try and change the dynamics of your physical relationship, tomorrow he will want to be having 'just sex' with men.
Look after yourself, all the best, Lily
|
Posted by a_dads_straight_journey April 29, 2019 11:44 am | #13 |
Amen, Lilly
|
Posted by Paraceleus April 29, 2019 1:08 pm | #14 |
a_dads_straight_journey wrote:
To put it in straight terms, I would never walk down the street and point out to my wife who I thought was attractive, nor would I want her to do that with me.
Personally, the above is one of the things I'm very much enjoying ahout my mixed orientation marriage (22 years married/together 27 total.). She and I have more in common that I'd ever expected 
I am admittedly in the minority here, but Here none the less.
|
Posted by lily April 29, 2019 3:02 pm | #15 |
Hi Paraceleus, nice to see you here again. From the sound of that I am wondering if you have progressed into an open marriage?
Hope you are well, all the best, Lily
and thanks for the amen, adsj!
Last edited by lily (April 29, 2019 3:14 pm)
|
Posted by Paraceleus April 29, 2019 3:53 pm | #16 |
Hi Paraceleus, nice to see you here again.
Thanks - And the same to you!
From the sound of that I am wondering if you have progressed into an open marriage?
We are open and have been for right around a year and a half.
It has been a blast to meet people but neither of us has meet anyone where there is a spark to persue.
Apparently for both of us, an intellectual and romantic trust bond needs to be in place before attaction really kicks in.
Last edited by Paraceleus (April 29, 2019 4:28 pm)
|
Posted by Chalizbet April 29, 2019 7:35 pm | #17 |
Thank you again for responding and helping me through this minefield, I appreciate every single one of you, and the kindness you have been showing me, even if the words are harsh, I know that I need to hear them.
I see there is a distinction between those here who are certain he is gay and those who think there is a real chance he is bisexual.
Can I ask some honest questions from both sides…
Do you believe being bisexual is a true sexuality or a period in which one feels confused?
- I get the feeling many here believe our situation is very black and white?
If you do believe being bisexual is a true sexuality, do you think they can only have a successful relationship if their partner is also bisexual?
- Many of you have said things like I will spend all of my energy concentrating on giving him what he needs, that I won’t realize he has stopped giving me what I need… Do you think the only way this wouldn’t be the case is if we were both the same (bisexual)?
Do you believe that being bisexual means you cannot be content with one gender, and that bisexuals are not be able to be completely happy with monogamy (not polyamory) but true monogamy?
- I have found it very hard to find stories/instances/accounts where there hasn’t been some level of polyamory within every MOM (which makes me question if it is even possible).
Do you believe that someone who discovers their bisexuality while in a committed relationship, and so has not had a chance to explore, will eventually develop the need to? Even if they deny they feel the need to right now?
- I don’t think it just comes down to whether I trust what he is saying or not - I think that there are other factors to be considered. People change over time, and although he may mean the things he says right now, that doesn’t mean it will always be the case.
For those of you that had partners that ended up gay, or at least bisexual (not leaning towards your gender) – do you believe they faked being ‘attracted’ to you? faked their ‘desire’ for you? faked their sexual ‘need’ for you, and faked their ‘pleasure’ with you?
- It is very hard to discard the years we have had together… we have always been extremely intimate and enjoyed each other’s company both emotionally and sexually… I have even found that he enjoys my pleasure more than his own. To think to myself it was some how all a like is very hard to come to terms with... I am not denying he has an attraction for men, but does that necessarily mean, he isn’t attracted to women just as much - if not more? (like he has said)…
I know I am coming across as naive, and it might appear like I am falling into a trap. I’ve read about ‘affection bombing’ and how it is common for partners to act the way mine is during this time.
I am trying to protect myself as much as possible without giving up on us completely…There is no real way to protect myself from the unknown/the future, other than cutting out all risks… I guess what I need to figure out is if this risk is worth it.
We will be going into therapy together in a few hours, if any of you are interested, I will let you know how we go.
|
Posted by Whirligig April 29, 2019 8:46 pm | #18 |
[Do you believe being bisexual is a true sexuality or a period in which one feels confused?]
I think it is a true sexuality but I also think it's used as an excuse. It's like the 'get out of jail free card' sexuality. Its use in this way has caused a lot of pain to some people and why many think it's just confusion or a manipulation.
[If you do believe being bisexual is a true sexuality, do you think they can only have a successful relationship if their partner is also bisexual?]
I don't think that would matter really. What would matter is if they can be monogamous in the relationship or not and if that's acceptable to you or not.
[Do you believe that being bisexual means you cannot be content with one gender, and that bisexuals are not be able to be completely happy with monogamy (not polyamory) but true monogamy?]
I think the really important question to ask yourself here is whether you can be happy with him if he can't.
[I don’t think it just comes down to whether I trust what he is saying or not - I think that there are other factors to be considered. People change over time, and although he may mean the things he says right now, that doesn’t mean it will always be the case.]
I think this is perhaps the most important thing you have said. I would also ask if you can live with the choice to stay if it does change? Could you live with the possibility that your relationship ends like so many on these boards have? You are young still so you too might feel differently at some point. I'd also consider how this affects your decisions regarding potential kids assuming you want them.
[I am trying to protect myself as much as possible without giving up on us completely…There is no real way to protect myself from the unknown/the future, other than cutting out all risks… I guess what I need to figure out is if this risk is worth it.]
This is very true and you are the only one who can determine your level of acceptable risk. I know, though, that those who give advice only hope to help you avoid their same pain. It's so very hard to make tough choices when we love someone and it only gets harder the more invested you are. Good luck with your appointment. Please take care.
|
Posted by OutofHisCloset April 29, 2019 9:32 pm | #19 |
Here's what I think: I think you need to ask yourself what you want, instead of trying to wrap yourself around what he wants.
Whether he's bisexual or gay, whether he acts on his sexuality or not, do you want to be in a marriage to someone who has decided that he is not satisfied with you?
It's easy to get distracted by "is he or isn't he" or "what is he" questions, but the real question is: what do I want from marriage, and am I getting it? Believe me, it's the question that your spouse is asking, and it's the question behind every request he makes and every revelation he unveils.
Ask the question of yourself.
|
Posted by control April 29, 2019 11:00 pm | #20 |
I agree to ask yourself what you want. Try to focus on your wants/needs and what is acceptable for you. These partners are concerned about their desires & wants only, or we wouldn’t be in the situation we are in right now.
And it’s correct in thinking about the more time that passes & the more you invest in this relationship, the more difficult it will be to make a decision which seems already so difficult at this point to you. And if children are involved, it really changes the game. I know we can’t turn back time, but if I could, I would have left this rude, narcissistic, gay young man the first time something didn’t seem exactly right with him! Instead I’m about to live alone for the first time at 52 & my 3 daughters (2 granddaughters) will be hurting for life from the destruction this “wondering if I’m Bi” 51 year old (who is obviously gay as hell) has caused.
Think hard about this. The beginning seems to
Just be the tip of what all comes as the months pass by.
Best wishes for your decision making!
