I'm a little surprised by some of the recent posts on this thread.  Of course there will be differences of opinion but what I don't understand is, if there is no violation of the forum's rules, why would any straight spouse be asked to leave?

Although I personally don't think MOMs are a good long-term option for straight spouses, I know a significant number of straight spouses who feel differently.  Are they not welcome here?  Ever??  Surely they should be.

Now that Vicky has been asked to leave by several people, perhaps she has done exactly that.  If she hasn't, I think it would be a kind and appropriate gesture to assure her that she is welcome here, even if many regulars don't share her opinions.  The reason this forum is so helpful is because a variety of experiences and opinions are shared.  If everyone had a cookie-cutter story, and a cookie-cutter solution, a one-page webpage would do the job.  Relationships are complex.  Dealing with a gay spouse is a major life event.  Universal agreement might seem ideal but it's not realistic.

To Vicky I'd like to say...you are correct that, in the past, the SSN forum has had a negative reputation among those who want to maintain a MOM.  HOWEVER...since migrating to this new site, the overall tone has changed significantly.  The old site allowed easy, anonymous hit-and-run posts but those don't happen here.  Conversations are deep, sincere and very well intended.  I strongly believe that if YOU expect your pro-MOM posts to be treated with respect, they will be.  I think some people felt attacked when you began a post by criticizing the forum and they reacted defensively.  If everyone sticks to respectfully sharing their opinions, I'm confident you will find this an accepting place to share your pro-MOM experience.  Expect others to vehemently disagree! - but don't take their disagreement personally.

Last edited by Cameron (October 7, 2016 3:02 pm)

There's way too much here for me to respond to it all.  It's a problem for this forum that people feel this way, I am not the only one and I'm not the first to comment on this forum or others about it.  The overall tone here comes across as - if you don't think your bi/gay spouse is a complete asshole than your opinion is wrong because they all are - if that is unintentional then there you go, now you know.

Thanks Kel for saying I don't need to validate whether there is such a thing as a straight woman what kind of nonsense is that.  Thanks Cameron for saying my opinion matters too, if I missed anyone else thanks to you too.

Search my posts I don't believe I've ever criticized someone else's opinion and when I offer mine I don't expect it, my opinion stems from a different experience so it's not the same as yours.  I am not universally telling everyone to try a MOM, just recently I commented to a newlywed that she wasn't that far in to get out as her husband had some alarming behaviour and she was flip flopping on whether to stay.  But I don't usually comment on threads regarding cheating etc because I have no experience and nothing to offer those posters are all yours.  So if I comment on someone's post you don't need to offer your opinion of what you think my future holds for me or that what I'm doing is wrong because I am not on here asking for advice, I'm speaking to the OP.
Vicky in Ontario
Yes I am currently monogamous, and if we ever decided to have an open marriage it would absolutely be both ways.  Reality is I would more likely separate if that's where we ended up I don't think open marriages are for me.
 

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The SSN is the first source that comes up when someone searches for information on gay spouses. It was the first place I came to when I my husband game out to me as gay.  I posted about my situation and NOT ONE person was kind to me.  No one.  You jumped on me telling me to get out of my marriage NOW, and talking about what a jerk he was and how he was selfish and would only hurt me.  You did not know him, or me. I responded back to those posts and was continually told I was a fool if I stayed.  I have not posted since then and honestly rarely even come here anymore because of the negativity I received.  

People looking for support are told that there is no hope when they come here.  How can you know that? How can you know what is right for anyone else?  Maybe your spouse was an insensitive ass, but not every one is.  As long as a spouse is willing to open up to you and work with you to find a solution that works FOR YOU, what right do you have to tell the str8 spouse that they are wrong to try to work with them?  Through counseling and long discussions, my DGH and I have reached an agreement that works for us within OUR marriage.  He is as committed to it as I am. We are monogamous, by agreement.  We do not plan to open our marriage and I trust that he will remain faithful.  We have discussions about our feelings, needs, and wants all the time.  He goes to his sessions faithfully each week and we go together once a month.  He is still the man I married. We still love each other.  We plan on growing old together.  I am fully sexually and emotionally satisfied.  We are actually closer and happier now than we were before Disclosure.  

There is not one person here that has a right to tell me what I should or should not do.  Instead of giving new people here, who are already emotional and scared, such a negative welcome, perhaps you should allow others, such as Vicky and Leslie, who are working hard on their MOMs, to tell their sides. There is NO right way to work our way through this journey. It is deeply personal and whatever a couple decides to do is the right way....for THEM.  Just because it was not right for you and your spouse, does not mean it is not right for someone else.  A little sympathy, understanding, and support is what those str8 spouses that come here are looking for, not hatred and negativity.  

~Denise AKA JerseyGirl

Last edited by JerseyGirl (October 7, 2016 4:29 pm)

A post mostly directed to the lurkers 'appalled' by this forum:

Unless I am mistaken this is a forum ABOUT mixed orientation marriages. About knowingly being in one and about unknowingly being in one. About willingly being in one and about unwillingly being in one. About staying in one and about getting out of one. There are other forums on SSN for people happily in a MOM or trying to make a MOM work.

I don't believe this was ever intended to be  an 'anti-MOM' forum HOWEVER it can appear that way sometimes when our people are hurt and angry. Open MOM's are also very challenging for people who hold that a non-monogamous marriage is not a marriage at all. We are all entitled to our opinions or beliefs.

For many, many years I have heard the occasional assertion that lurkers are 'appalled' at our anger, vitriol and even hatred. If you come here and conclude that is all that this forum is about then I say you are cherry picking our posts. YES there are angry people here, hurt people and broken people. People who have just found out they have been cheated on or lied to for 10, 20, 30 years!! I'm not going to apologize for them expressing their anger. I'm not even going to apologize for others relating to their anger. Most thinking, feeling human beings UNDERSTAND their anger and cut them some slack while they work through it to acceptance and healing. Some people however want to label this forum 'a bunch of haters' because we allow people to express rather than repress their anger. Again... no apologies from me. Anger is a normal stage of grief and suppressed anger becomes depression.

New people might post here every week. New people might lurk here every day. We therefore have people here in the 'anger' stage of grief pretty much all the time. Sometimes I think this leads the 'appalled lurkers' to think that we are ALL angry ALL the time. This is simply not the case.

Anger is ok here and always should be in my opinion. HATRED however is usually discouraged.

Sure people here - in their anger and pain - might occasionally express hated towards an ex-spouse. Usually what they are expressing is hatred for their actions such as cheating and lying rather than hatred of the person themselves who frequently remain sadly missed if not loved.  But hatred is rarely expressed towards gays or the LGBTQI community in general because BEING GAY IS NOT THE PROBLEM!! Being gay but lying about it IS the problem.

We hate the closet as much as the LGBTQI community does. We are victims of the same closet. We almost all eventually realize that we are allies of the LGBTQI community. I for one want all gay people out, proud and marrying each other. Why? Because then they aren't forced to lie and marry straight people!!

Please don't come here, cherry pick a few angry posts and then label us all a bunch of haters. You're wrong. Dead wrong. And you do the good work that is done here a great disservice.