OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / New member-Peter

**Posted by Peter** May 21, 2023 7:51 pm

Hello. my name is Peter and I'm new to the board. My wife and I have been married for 25 years. Although we talked about this off and on for years, I encouraged my wife to come out and get a girlfriend almost 2 years ago. We thought she might be bi, but she had the "awakening" and is definitely a lesbian. We are slowly in transition (unraveling) to the next stages in our lives. She currently has a girlfriend and I will probably start exploring the dating world as soon as everyone is ready. Not easy for everyone, so taking it slow. Glad to meet others who understand the process.I was in my feelings last summer, processing through loss, anger, frustration. She didn’t ask to be a lesbian as much as I asked to be straight. In the end, I love her and can’t be mad at her. Change is hard especially after 25 years. I'm not sure what the new chapter will hold.....

**Posted by Blackie563** May 22, 2023 8:20 am

Peter - I am sorry to hear this. I hope she treats you with dignity throughout the process. I wasn't mad at mine at the beginning either, but then I found out the lying, gaslighting, playing the victim, etc to be unbearable. I have cut her out of my life almost entirely. (some contact is needed for the kids) I was 23 years in, so I can empathize. Great board here and happy to help and/or listen. Hang in there, its a long journey.

**Posted by Gloria** May 22, 2023 8:28 am

I am also sorry. I found out that my ex boyfriend was gay in June of 2020. I was so hurt and so shocked and so angry.I stayed with him one year because of Covid and because my little dog needed a safe place. I am not mad at him anymore. I don't want to be friends because I remarried in 2021. I wish you the best and will hold a good thought for you.

**Posted by Anon42** May 22, 2023 12:41 pm

Hi Peter,

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm about a month in (after 14 years of marriage) after my wife's disclosure, and so I'm trying to understand what people are thinking during these situations. Please feel free to ignore my questions if they are too personal, inappropriate.
- Why would you encourage your wife to get a girlfriend? Was your relationship deteriorating?
- What did you think would happen?
- Who needs to be ready for your dating?
- Was your wife's "awakening" after she met a girlfriend? Did she get even colder to you then?

And the future can be better for you. It's what you make it, you can do it!

**Posted by Blue Bear** May 22, 2023 4:04 pm

Sorry you are here. I do encourage you to find a therapist for yourself if you haven't already.

Noting your one statement: "She didn’t ask to be a lesbian as much as I asked to be straight." That is definitely true, but consider that she probably knew she was a lesbian well before the last couple of years but kinda sorta forgot to tell you about that. They almost always know about it from an early age.

Consider whether maintaining your marriage in this state (i.e., you are married to a lesbian) is the best thing for YOU. Would you have knowingly married a lesbian?

**Posted by Upside** June 5, 2023 8:32 pm

Very sorry that you're facing this Peter, but you sound to be doing quite well.

"In the end, I love her and can’t be mad at her..."

Years of therapy have helped me understand that being mad about awful news is not just okay, it's a sign of being emotionally healthy. You may not be there yet, or you may never need to go there, but I've found men who have closeted partners tend to be quite passive. I know that I was! It is okay to be mad at the situation, at fate, at your partner, whomever, because that is how you'll begin to advocate for your needs.

I think distance does help clarify things. Hopeful that you keep doing well on your path.

**Posted by Anon 765** June 6, 2023 5:26 pm

Being mad moved me to a new, helpful place. I thought I could help him navigate this, be his best friend, and maintain a healthy relationship, yada, yada, yada... Then one day I woke up, and I was pissed. Not resentful or contemptuous (been there done that too!) but just healthy pissed. I'm tired of justifying behaviour that is wrong, tired of contorting myself to make things work, and tired of giving up myself so that he can run the show.

I'm less pissed now, but I have written quite a few therapeutic angry letters! (not to send, just to get it out). I think getting to the mad stage helped me put myself first in my life again.

Maybe it's a necessary step, maybe not. Hope you find the best way for you in all of this, Peter!

Anon 765

**Posted by Rob** June 8, 2023 3:14 pm

Some only get mad when their spouse empties the bank account I recall my GX getting mad and raging when I calmly mentioned that her girlfriend got a birthday gift but I didnt.. Looking back on my marriage i think I should have been a lot madder myself.