As a straight spouse, a friend described me as 'collateral damage' in my GIDXs life.  He jettisoned me and remarried quickly.  Leaving me feeling like I had no value, no truth or real knowledge around the true narrative of my marriage.  I have been ejected from my life in a way that can only be understood by some of you here.  

I have now landed, dusted myself off, detached the wrecked ejector seat and had a look around.  And what I see is some truths that I feel might be helpful to bewildered, recently shell shocked SSs.   These truths are those that I have denied so often because they just hurt sooo much to acknowledge.  I read here when I need a little sense of validation for my grief and anger.  And usually feelings of anger arise as I read the repetitive and sad stories again and again as people say things about the situation.  And it is hard as you really are blindsided by the dissonance between what you thought was your relationship and the reality.  So I'm gonna talk about the reality for me  that I say to myself which helps me to maintain no contact when I get fluffy about my GIDX of 27 yrs.  Kind of a rant as usual, the rage and the anger still flare despite time marching on.  I'm still wrestling with the sadness some days and take to my bed early.  Other days I find I can manage not to think of it at all which is a fairly recent development. Whole days.  

So my list of things I must remember:

1. He was NOT my best friend!  He had a life I didn't know about, feelings he could not share, and many activities that were damaging TO ME and my wellbeing on many levels.  NOT the actions of a friend for sure!  And for a partner even worse. Crabs! When I was pregnant.  GROSS.  Unforgivably gross. 

2. I am better off alone than with a person who would lie to long and so convincingly.  Being true to myself means for me that I value myself enough to know that my future can be different than I had hoped, but still be valuable and worth living.  I was suicidal with the pain, but it wasn't my life I wanted to end, but the pain of the situation.  And that took time.  And is still in process.  Still I get waves of nostalgia for good times we shared, but it is like believing in Santa Clause, once you grow up, you can't go back.  

3. He was NOT LUCKY to have me!  Yes I was a good spouse.  But have implies that I am a THING.  NO I only stayed in the relationship because I DID NOT KNOW about his feelings and his betrayals.  Had I known early on that he was struggling with this issue and he had shared it openly with me from the start then maybe he would be LUCKY to have me.  But he was lying and deceiving and that made our marriage a sham and a lie too. 

4.  It is not my fault and could not be 'fixed'. Once someone has betrayed you on this intimate level it is very hard to go back - and unlike a hetero infidelity - there really is no way you can totally ignore this or work through it as if it is part of a marital problem you are part of.   YOU are NOT part of this particular problem!  This is a tactic if your spouse does manage to make it about you -  many marital problems are shared -but not this one.  ESPECIALLY if the LGBTQ spouse is in denial they try to blame shift to an astonishing degree.  They are dangerous to your health at that point. MOMs may beg to differ.  I was initially open to working through, but my spouse was NEVER going to face the truth fully and talk openly with me about it.  And to this day says he is 'TOO angry with me" to even be civil and speak to me the mother of his three children and wife of 27 years and HE is too angry?  WTF seriously.  

5. I have a right to talk openly about MY experience and MY life.  I have posted on Medium.  I have told my children, family and friends.  I am just trying to figure out my narrative in the light of a stunning betrayal from a very hypercritical man.  It is tough.  I am angry and sad and galled often at the attitudes that surround this particular heartbreaking scenario. The PC brigade and all the LBGT pride people can support anyone's right to live as they want to, but this is actually homophobia we are dealing with as collateral damage in someone else's narrative around 'coming out'  They (our spouses) were too afraid (homophobic) to come out.  Some at least don't cheat and are a little bit sensitive, but many are not.  And why do I have to dance around pretending that my ex's homophobia justifies him stealing years of my life in playing his little sexy naughty game where I was the patsy, the beard?  I don't.  

Anyway I can go on, but its my bedtime and sleep I find it very very important for recovery.