I need to add meet with the fiance advisor to the top of the oh crap this happened to you list for new people behind find the therapist.  talking with him made me feel so much better and gave me an honest and clear financial picture.  He was able to tell me what I could get now vs if I waited until after I please god get on disability hopefully next year....and its enough that I need to put on my big big girl panties and suck it up until then. 

So in the meantime I am working on options to get our shared debt knocked out so that we have a financial clean start now and I'm not having to track what he's putting on credit cards and not paying back with "his money".  It will also allow for both of us to start saving a bit more.  Again, he is putting up resistence and I realized he doens't want to do anything that acutally will lead to the ultimate separation.  I think his fear is if I get enough money I'll do things before he is ready.    this is a fight I plan to fight hard for I can be a really stubborn Bi*** when I want too.

My kids are my everything.  I would cry leaving them for a few days on a work trip.  Not seeing them every day would be devastating.  But then again I'm not acting like a teenager and reinventing my life.