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July 12, 2022 10:26 pm  #1


What is going through their minds?

The last two days have been quite a reckoning for me interally.  We had a joint session with our therapist the other day and he failed to see or apologize for the issues I brought up in how he'd been treating me.  The degrating.  The Humiliation.  The short temper.

We did make process in the "what next?" department.  And between me vocalizing my concerns and the guidance of the therapist I am beginning the process of looking into separating the households.  Even seeing if that is an option with the market.  A big point for me in seeing if we can separate houses now is keeping stability for the kids education wise and then he brought in the other in he's ready to start dating.  And neither of us needs that holy hell of awkwardness.  I don't need to lay there knowing he didn't come home nor do I want him texting me telling me he's having a sleepover.

I know he's about 500 mils and years ahead of me in this but I am like what on earth are you thinking?!  How can he not see the pain he is causing.  When did he throw me and our marriage away?   My priority is the kids and our future.  He's more concerned with jumping into the pool he's been forbidden to play in.  

Something I am grateful for is that he seems to have no interest in fighting me for the kids, said as much, and therapist noted it.  He will of course want to see them and visit them and I have no intention of keeping them apart. 

And fine, leave me behind, you clearly don't care about me, but your kids?!  The last two days has been the realization that I am going to be a single parent.  Something I never ever thought I would be.  I also couldn't imagine just walking away content to see them every now and then.  Even more I'm likely to be a single parent without very much outside support from him.  I am going to have to figure out how to do, fix, move things that I physically can't do.

My response to this has been changing up my house search.  I'm looking at more of a planned townhouse community that will manage things like the yard.  I made him aware that we may need to use as much of the equity as we can to get me and the kids into a house with as little mortgage as possible to allow him money to find a place.  It's very likely that he will need to find a roommate...and my therapist says that is on him because of the decisions he's made.  

I just can't understand this selflishness and I can't understand how he can so easily and callously hurt me and that hurt is eventually going to hit the kids.  My youngest does not understand that daddy is going to be moving out.

Even if we can't separate the houses now I am effectively a single parent now.  He only cooks for himself.  He rarely helps outside of his rooms aside from dishwasher and minimal in the yard.  I can't ask him to do anything big or small because 9 times out of 10 the answer is no.  

I am lost and angry.  I want to let my mom have at it.  I want to call his mom and tell her what he's doing.  I want to blow it all up all over social media.  But that also isn't right.  

For now I am back to my research and another sleepless night.  I am hoping my Psych can help me more med wise because thenightly panic attacks are just too much.

 

July 12, 2022 10:45 pm  #2


Re: What is going through their minds?

He may say he has no interest in the kids but that may change when you ask for majority custody and he has to pay you more child support.


They don't see the hurt they cause or do and don't care.   This malevolent indifference and hurt makes me fear my GX to this day... capable of infinite hurt..a sick morality.

Getting away from such broken hurtful people is necessary to stop the abuse. 


A sincere e-hug.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 13, 2022 5:16 am  #3


Re: What is going through their minds?

He's already gone. Now it's just technicalities.
Glad you are considering a condo situation. A very smart move. Try to get it all moving while he still has a tiny sense of guilt. This is when you stuff it all down, become a warrior for the kids. Get moved. Get them settled. Then you can fall apart. But in my experience you won't. The experience of the next year will make you stronger than you've ever been emotionally. You've got this.

 

July 13, 2022 11:57 am  #4


Re: What is going through their minds?

UP vote on Graces last comment.

These spouses divorced us long ago when  they hid their secret and then again when they chose to cheat and/or detach physically and emotionally from us.   A divorce, while sad, devastating, hard etc... is merely pomp and circumstance, a technicality...a sequential consequence of their actions..  These spouse knew there were consequences to their actions and did them anyway.

My love for my kids provided me such strength...of which my GX could not comprehend or imagine..   The same fierce love that she used to get was now wholly shifted to them...  her rights and privileges to it forfeited...much like she shifted her loyalty and love to herself and gay lover.    The difference being mine was and is fierce and absolute ...does not change with the weather, tides, or time.

You got this Agl03,   strong and steady, however long it takes..  head held high, face in the wind.



 

Last edited by Rob (July 13, 2022 11:57 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 13, 2022 3:22 pm  #5


Re: What is going through their minds?

The primary relationship your husband had wasn’t with you.  It never ever was. His primary relationship was with his secret.  You were always secondary to that.  If anything, he took you on in order to keep his secret alive.

It sucks, but in order to understand what is happening, you will probably need to come to terms with this unfortunate fact.

 

July 13, 2022 4:27 pm  #6


Re: What is going through their minds?

I am two weeks into what I have dubbed the "ultimate mind f**k"

Ie: 2 weeks from his random announcement of "I'm gay and want a divorce". Unilateral decision, no discussion, no compromise, nothing. I was completely floored and blind sided. I feel pathetic, because I actually thought things were going well.

Turns out, I was the only one committed to the marriage and making things work.

We've had a lot of talks since. From what I have read on this page, I am in a more unique circumstance where he actually is sorry and a lot of remorse for his treatment of me. He has apologized many times. Not gonna lie, it doesn't really help anything....

Sure, he apologized and whatever, but he still lied, manipulated me, led me on and used me. Then disposed of me once he figured things out. Any way you slice it, it's not a good feeling. And right now it feels impossible to come to terms with. Honestly, many days I can hardly breathe from the pain. 

The hard part is seeing how at peace he is with the decision. He had plenty of time to make up his mind, dettach from the marriage, and move on with his life. So yah, he's been civil and nice about it...but I just want to lash out at him so bad because he's planning his life while I stare at the destruction of mine. And nope, I have no idea what he is thinking. My world has imploded and he's excited to move on. I feel like I'm living with a stranger.

I'm in the position of trying to sort out how to separate here....with the economy the way it is, it isn't going to be easy....so full support. This page has been great so far for support and just being able to vent.

 

July 13, 2022 5:02 pm  #7


Re: What is going through their minds?

When this all exploded on me. I was ambushed with a phone call thanksgiving weekend. No warning, no hint NOTHING. Here I thought I had an almost perfect marriage.

“He” also apologized profusely and said sorry and felt like shit to the point of even trying to commit suicide because of what he had done to me.

Silly me, I believed in his cries of being confused and genuinely sorry and distraught. I soon realize of no omission from him but from my CIA spying and uncovering lies and more betrayal.

“He” literally walked out the door and NEVER returned the same. I was tossed aside like yesterday trash and in the end with no remorse. One minute full or remorse followed by lies and deceit 2 minutes later. The cries and still wanting to be friends was so I could help “him” transition.

For someone who was so sorry and couldn’t know who to move on surely took female hormones, changed names and started transition 2 months after my world blew up.

I would say mental behavior, sociopath and narcissistic.

Manipulation at its finest and I am ashamed of myself to even allowing the deceit again.

The pain is so real and it’s almost 2 years. I have my moments but don’t want to be part of the circus.

In the end, if somehow leads back to money.

Last edited by LostAtSea (July 13, 2022 5:23 pm)

 

July 13, 2022 5:13 pm  #8


Re: What is going through their minds?

Anon, I'll lay dollars to donuts his mind is on the money.

 

July 13, 2022 8:09 pm  #9


Re: What is going through their minds?

lily wrote:

Anon, I'll lay dollars to donuts his mind is on the money.

Ironically, I am the one in the twilight zone and distrustful as hell. He has been straight forward so far. We already divided out the "savings" into individual bank accounts, so we have the same amounts. And we're going to focus on paying off debt first before he moves out and we double the expenses. Which sounds good in theory, but it is incredibly difficult in practice. 

I am fortunate in the sense that we are both professionals and have good jobs. I'm in the process of negotiating a job change, so it may actually improve my situation. I can't imagine being in the situation of not being able to afford to leave, I feel for those spouses. He has also agreed to spousal support as I have a unique expenses situation. We're just ironing out all the details and have to get it finalized by a lawyer. All that jazz. 

I remain suspicious. And I want everything legal before I will believe it, but I'm also trying to be reasonable (although I just feel stabby at times). We both agreed to work to be fair to each other and not take advantage financially. Like I said, I have that going for me at all. 

Emotionally/psyhologically he was abusive and betrayed me. But from other aspects at least he is trying to be understanding and fair. Only time will tell. I still don't know which way is up and I think it's going to take a long time...

 

July 13, 2022 8:46 pm  #10


Re: What is going through their minds?

Good to hear you are getting the finances organised and feel a bit 'stabby' at times. 

Hopefully all will be fine but the point I want to make is that you are expressing the feeling of being in that twilight zone sensation where you are feeling distrustful of the one you are accustomed to trusting the most - so don't stop acting on it.

 After all he's the one who's had plenty of time to plan for this hasn't he.

 

Last edited by lily (July 13, 2022 8:46 pm)

 

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