OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Marriage counseling didn't help

**Posted by AuroraMoon** July 16, 2021 6:08 pm

I haven't been on here since April. He asked me to try marriage counseling so I threw myself in 100%. It was helpful in that I wanted and separation and we haven't separated yet. Then our counselor left the practice suddenly. I didn't like her very much, but it was a place I could talk to him and he didn't gaslight me. So we got assigned to a new one. The session went pretty well. Rehashing everything again made me sick and almost throw up but I got through it. Then at the very end she says she is happily married to a gay man, who is her best friend, and is raising three beautiful children with him. They have different sexual needs, but sex isn't a big priority when you get older. She is 48. My vision went fuzzy and my ears buzzed. What the actual f***?

**Posted by Rob** July 16, 2021 8:30 pm

Aurora,

No that new counselor is not going to help. Well she and your husband might gang up on you and say it is normal..there is nothing normal about a gay spouse.

So sorry.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 16, 2021 8:49 pm

AuroraMoon wrote:
...... The session went pretty well. Rehashing everything again made me sick and almost throw up but I got through it. Then at the very end she says she is happily married to a gay man, who is her best friend, and is raising three beautiful children with him. They have different sexual needs, but sex isn't a big priority when you get older. She is 48. My vision went fuzzy and my ears buzzed. What the actual f***?

What the actual fuck indeed!

Elle

**Posted by AuroraMoon** July 17, 2021 2:35 am

He said in therapy that he doesn't want to change his appearance or have sex with anyone else. He says he doesn't find masculine people attractive. Feminine gays and trans women are the exception, it seems.

He says he feelings like he is losing or missing out on something if he can't consider being feminine because of me. He feels resentment and sadness for the limitations I put on him. I think he is trans.

He says most of the time he doesn't care how he presents. Other times he feels loss and sadness for not being able to be something else. He says it all feels trivial, but at the same time its a huge deal that makes him feel ill.

He is so scared and concerned about it that he feels threatened and awkward around me. He thinks I only love him if he fits the image I prefer him to be.it makes him feel bitter, isolated, sad, turned off and reluctant to get close to me. My love feels conditional and fake.

He says part of him would like to separate and see what it feels like to have space, but that scares him because he loves me so much. But he doesn't feel safe, loved, valued or accepted by me and he doesn't know how much longer he can go on feeling this way.

I'm looking for a new place to live tomorrow

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** July 17, 2021 12:17 pm

AuroraMoon,
I'm so sorry that this therapist betrayed you in that way, and added to the pressure you feel from your husband. That would be my last session with her, and I'd report her to the practice for unprofessional behavior. (Plus, she may have rationalized her decision to stay with her spouse by telling herself that "sex when 'older' doesn't matter" but lots of women her age and older will tell you that's not true for them!)

In your post you lay out what your husband says about how he feels. He seems to be accusing you of quite a lot, projecting his own fear, hesitation and shame about his gender identity and presentation onto you, making you into the gatekeeper or gender police that "keeps him" from his preferred behavior and expression. He's displacing onto you the responsibility that is his, because he doesn't want to experience any consequences for what he wants to do and how he wants to act, and hiding behind you because he's too afraid to live what he says is his truth. When he says "a part of him would like to separate" believe him; when he says he doesn't want to because he loves you so much, and then accuses you of making him feel unsafe, unloved, etc, he is engaging in emotional blackmail.

What I say is that it's how you feel that's important.

**Posted by Blue Bear** July 19, 2021 1:51 pm

Your therapist sucks. Run. As Ouf of His Closet suggests, report this unprofessional behavior.

Side note: My first attempt at a therapist was with a douchebag who suggested that the solution to discovering that my (now ex-) wife was in love with a woman and had no intention of stopping the affair was to "consider a polyamorous relationship".

By the way, what is your goal for couple's therapy, anyway?

Last edited by Blue Bear (July 19, 2021 1:52 pm)

**Posted by Ordinary guy** July 19, 2021 6:15 pm

perhaps the counselor can play matchmaker & find a single straight woman who would love to be in a MOR/MOM with your husband. She may be interested herself.

ouch Maria, never a truer word said in jest!

**Posted by Upside** July 20, 2021 8:59 am

I'm proud of you, AuroraMoon.

You are a kind person to have listened and tried to make it work. But even now your husband is assigning your thoughts and emotions due to their own personal fears. If they want to test separation, then good riddance. Be prepared for the begging that follows when they continue to be indecisive about who they are and what they want.

My personal belief is that many counselors do more harm than good. As in your and BlueBear's case, our last couples therapist tried to convince us that opening the relationship was for the best. She also aimed to convince us that a sexless marriage was fine. And she was also in that situation, obviously unhappy, doing her best to tell others this life was just peachy.

Love and sex are enthusiastic YES's. Anything else is lying to ourselves.

**Posted by Sarah87** July 22, 2021 12:49 am

Hi AuroraMoon,
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. My husband wants to go marriage counseling as well, but I feel it's a waste if you know they are not being honest on who they are and what they want. Did marriage counseling help to work through that? He is seeing someone separately but just curious if it's too premature to do the marriage counseling together... any thoughts?

**Posted by Upside** July 23, 2021 2:50 pm

Sarah87 - I know this was addressed to AuroraMoon, but wanted to chime in: if your heart tells you that it is worth trying, then explore marriage counseling. It is never too premature. If you need outside guidance, having an objective third party can help.

But also know that advice in these spaces can get...strange. One counselor quit on us. Two agreed that my wife was a disordered serial cheater. The third ignored any issue and said we should just open the marriage. My final straw was when I found my ex visiting a hotel during the day (during the pandemic!), ex got caught in a lie about it, and the last counselor wasn't concerned, asking why I was upset. Maddening.

I would recommend if you must try all options before moving forward.