I've been reading this thread, your posts, other replies.,..when somebody who's loved you has hurt the people she's supposed to love, and hurt them so confusedly, so harshly.,. Why would you want to save it?

Elle

OP here. So i thought i'd update this thread and say yep i was wrong. I should of gone straight to chumplady right from the get go !  She turned into a horrible person. Turned her back on her kids and me the frickin second her GF got her new place (all paid for by her ex husband)   that SAME night, the GF closed on her place, mine packed her bags and left, with kids crying 'please mom don't go'   Her reply is sorry boys its mommy's time to have some fun. Those were some of the worst nights of my life.  

Then came the divorce.. Cold and calculating is one way i could describe things. Unfortunately my mom is sick and old fighting cancers, and I'm her only living son. (my brother died when he was 19)  and my mom lives over in Europe, so everything she has here in the US was in my name.  The EX went after it all... ALL OF IT !   

Then the stealing started, every time she'd come over here to the family home, cos the kids point blank refused to go visit her at her place with her GF, so she had no choice. I had no choice either, cos during divorce the marital home was still in her name.. So everytime she'd come, she'd steal something, from plates, to blankets to freaking anything she could get her sticky fingers on.  At this stage the divorce was looking to become one big pay-off.  A sizeable payoff, and about 200k more than what she would of been getting had she otherwise not filed against my mothers assets also.. She was basically blackmailing me and giving me threats that she'd be taking more and was ANGRY with herself that she wasn't taking more.. My only line of defense was if you keep taking, you leave me no choice but to sell this family home, move the kids out of the familiar territory and school and go 50miles north, where i'll be able to buy somewhere half the price that it is here. Which she was open too. What mother does that? Gets her kids to move so she can have more money?? Anyway eventually she backed off but certainly used my sick mother with cancer asset’s as very strong leverage.. My attorney wanted to fight it and said we had a very very good chance of winning, giving i had testimony and emails and voice recordings, but my mom is 78 with two cancers, i just wanted it over and done with ASAP, to stop the anxiety and stress it was causing my mom. So i gave her a high number and she agreed to it.   So as from last week we are FINALLY DIVORCED YAY !!!! and with the way she acted it really helped kill any love for her i previously had.. i now can say emotionally she feels insignificant to me.  A lot more went on that i'm not writing about, like the fact she bought her girlfriend around to the family home, opened the garage and started ransacking it right in front of me. Needless to say i went ape sh!t ! yelling get off my property... threatened to bring the GF over here for movie nights, that kind of stuff. Vile TBH The ex has become pretty much hated around here. Now neighbors who once really liked her, just shake their head in shame.  She is no longer allowed in my house. I have both kids full time, though FL courts still award 50/50 custody and I pay child support would you believe?, she can only really pick them up and take them out to dinner and bring them home. Cos again they refuse to have anything to do with the GF.   I spoke to the GF's husband who had lots of money cos he has a very successful law firm, and it turns out those two now live off 20k a month disposable income, only work part time and have ZERO debit and a boat load of money in their account. it really is a disgusting unjust outcome for us husbands. We saved and built something in our lives and they just clean it out. But that's FL law. they get a lot of money, it doesn't matter  who left who.. everything just gets split down the middle. (mine more given I was stupid enough to trust her and had my moms assets in my name) So with her husband being successful she came away with a LOT of money !  Mine a lot too, just not as much. 

But his situation is worse.. His kids four of them are much younger and they too young to see how much of a douche their mother really is.. Mine know, and while they still love their mother, it'll never be the same for them. They look at her in a different light now. I don't even have to say a word bad against her, and actually i never do. They're old enough to know the difference between right and wrong.    He has to go around to pick his kids up twice a week and he sees them together. I don’t have to see any of that. Which is great.

So anyway now i'm FINALLY divorced and very happy. Actually enjoying life. However what is annoying me, is she is now trying every trick in the book to get the boys to accept homosexuality as the new norm. sending texts photo's, its gone from pleading to demanding they accept.. but of course teenagers have made their own mind up, and if they go over to their mothers house, guess who has to pack her stuff up and leave for a couple of hrs... lol.. yep the GF.  I wonder how long before that grows old. Even on Christmas day, the parenting plan says she takes them at noon, and she tried to make a truce saying can she spend Christmas with us at the family home, and i was NOPE, take your kids knowing that she's gonna have to get the GF to take a hike for a couple of hrs lol.  Honestly its comical to me. 
 
She turned in to the most selfish unlikeable human I know.. From being the woman I most trusted and loved with all my heart into this despicable human.  I wish I had put my defenses up sooner.
At first I was trying to save the marriage, and they were out planning how much can they get from us, the husbands. I’m also led to believe it was going on for a lot longer than ‘it just happened’  anyway those two can rot in hell.  My new life has already started, I control the narrative now, not her.  She can pick her kids up and take them to dinner / lunch whatever, but she’s never stepping foot back in this house ever again. Stealing doesn’t come without consequences. Now I’ve just found out she’s been stealing the child tax credit checks. It doesn’t ever stop with her. Money and sex over her own children. That’s what it all boiled down too.
Anyway thought I’d share. I hope it helps someone else out in the future who was as sad as me wanting to keep and save the marriage.. just start protecting yourself from the get go is my advice.
 
Good luck all.
 

So sorry, Sadday...That was hard to read. I can't believe anyone can be that cruel & cold...especially to their child's father. I'm so glad you're finally free, but it's truly unfair how much you lost in the process. I think anyone in this situation should be able to get an annulment. Wishing many brighter days ahead for you!

Sadday2021 wrote:

   "...the way she acted it really helped kill any love for her i previously had" 

This was true for me, also.  As I wrote to my (now ex-)sister-in-law, "I loved your brother for 40 years."  And as I wrote it I was aware that I was using the past tense, because his behavior and his attitude had killed off any remaining love I had for him. I suppose this is our consolation prize, and one that helps us move forward.  

 I also understand agreeing to a settlement that is less than you could expect if you wanted to prolong the divorce. I did something similar (letting him buy me out of the house for several tens of thousands less than it would have sold for if I'd forced a sale) but considered it a sacrifice worth making--the price of freedom.  However, I do advise not letting her get away with "stealing the child tax credit checks."  You're divorced now, she's got no further hold over you, your boys see her for what she is and her stealing the checks would not go down well in court if she tries to fight for more custody, and you can get a little of your own back by forcing her to give you your fair share.  With the courts solidly on your side here, you might as well use that leverage.  

Last, take as much satisfaction as you want over the girlfriend's having to vacate when your children are there.  After what they put us through, we're entitled to take satisfaction in their not liking the consequences of their actions.   They're happy to blow up our lives, after all, so if a little blowback reaches them, that's just...physics.  

All the best to you and your boys as you rebuild your lives.  
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 21, 2021 6:56 am)