OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Chump Lady's UBT takes on an abusive gay spouse

**Posted by Julian_Stone** December 1, 2020 12:43 pm

Heartbreaking read. I truly hope the poster finds her way here—and gets the support she needs to heal after years of abuse.

https://www.chumplady.com/2020/12/ubt-how-do-i-get-my-gay-cheating-husband-to-reconcile/?fbclid=IwAR1cI_wj1HLls7cxq6TvUKs5FLb3Gjcun60H76SOK5qzUv8PYV28SIb1YAU

**Posted by Rob** December 1, 2020 1:51 pm

She's getting good advice on chumplady as usual.

Chumplady does say its not that he's gay but that he's an ahole.. There is some truth to that as my GX became so cruel..her horrible mean actions dwarfed the gay in the end.

The gay becomes just more mean icing on the cake in the hurt they inflict on us faithful straight spouses.

This one reply stood out to me..described my gay cheating ex accurately;

"They are really good at explaining how terrible you caused the splendidness that is them to cheat."

Hope she takes all their advice and finds her way here if she needs more help.

**Posted by Simpatica** December 1, 2020 9:11 pm

I came across this a few days ago and just love the advice from Chump Lady. It’s so true, it doesn’t matter what their messed up, dishonest sexuality is, they are deceiving, lying cheaters and abusers.

I came across these podcasts that are very insightful as well. Don’t let the name Helping Couples Heal deter you, they have excellent podcasts about betrayal and trauma. This one is a conversation with a sex addict.

https://helpingcouplesheal.com/22-the-truth-a-conversation-with-neil-strauss/

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** December 2, 2020 9:07 am

I read through the comments for this Chump Lady post earlier this morning. It appears a number of us straight spouses have written in. And one gay man (who was cheated on by his husband) wrote in to say that we have his permission to fight back if anyone gives us the "but isn't it great he can now live his authentic life" baloney. When it comes from someone in the gay community, people listen, so I'm glad he did that.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 2, 2020 9:07 am)

**Posted by lily** December 2, 2020 3:29 pm

yes, it's starting to feel a bit different - recently I've had conversations with a couple of younger people where there is already some understanding and sympathy for the straight spouse plight.

I know bisexuals don't like to hear this and I do feel sympathy, but it isn't fair to date straights - a straight needs a straight.

Last edited by lily (December 2, 2020 3:33 pm)

**Posted by Daryl** December 2, 2020 11:54 pm

In my opinion, bisexuals and straights in a relationship isn't the problem. It's the honesty and commitment that matters and it's no different in a hetero relationship. If someone places their individual needs above the commitment to their relationship, you will have a problem. If they are dishonest, there will be issues. From what I've seen, bisexual is sometimes used as an excuse for bad behavior or because they don't want to use the word gay. In two words - character matters.

**Posted by Julian_Stone** December 3, 2020 12:48 am

You're right, Daryl. It's the honesty and commitment that matters. The problem is that most of us don't find out we're married to a bisexual until years (sometimes decades) into our relationships. That is the thing that hurt me the most: the dishonesty. Though I didn't have the typical red flags (gay porn, secret sex toy stash, or illicit apps/messages), looking back I can see how the secret impacted my marriage. There was something I couldn't pinpoint...not exactly a wall...more like a thin film I could not penetrate.

I do think that some bisexuals are probably better suited for other bisexuals (though, statistically, most end up with opposite-sex partners). One thing I have noticed is that many describe their same-sex attraction as a "need" or an "uncontrollable urge" instead of a "want." I came across one guy in a forum who said he "felt like he was going to die if he didn't get to be with another man." I suspect that when the desire is affecting their mental health in that way, they're most likely GID.

**Posted by lily** December 3, 2020 1:14 am

well yes you're right about that, Daryl. straight or gay character matters I couldn't agree more but I think at least you have a chance of having a good marriage if sexual orientation fits as well as being trustworthy.

Julian, yes always knew there was something not quite right, but I couldn't imagine such a person as could marry you without being entirely honest!

**Posted by Upside** January 15, 2021 10:28 am

This was a good read! Thanks for sharing it.