Posted by Ellexoh_nz  September 2, 2021 2:56 pm | #51 |
RAR1027 wrote:
...............I have not left him yet. He refuses to admit what is going on. I know he is gay but he will never admit it. We have small kids and I guess that’s why I stay. Sometimes I think of this list and wonder if I am completely wrong but I don’t think so. He has ruined 14 years of my life. I am in therapy which is helping.
When this slowly creeps into and takes over a marriage/relationship it must be way more stressful with young children in the mix. I think it's great you're in therapy.
My children are adults, I've been with my partner for 37 years and I haven't left him either. Because it suits me to live as basically housemates at the moment. In this Covid-wrecked world I make my decisions slowly but what I did find that helped was moving, with help from a counselor, friends & family, and a lawyer from an emotional, distraught spouse who thought her life was over because the man she was in love with didn't actually seem to have the same reciprocal feelings about her.....to a spouse that realised that she, and her children, were far more important in the grand scheme of things...than a man who didn't want to be honest about who he was. I took the focus I had about what my partner was doing/may be doing/had done.....and put it squarely on myself
I hope you have great support in your day to day life
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by lily September 2, 2021 5:27 pm | #52 |
"he has ruined 14 years of my life"
that sounds depressing - look from the list of red flags he's been having sex with multiple men all along. On the one hand you can say well he must have good hygiene but on the other it might be worth thinking about the danger to your health.
Stop wondering if you are wrong about him being gay, don't let him do that to you, take a step back from partnering him - as Elle said, put the focus on what you can do for yourself. Of course it is depressing to be locked into a loveless marriage.
It is natural to go up and down. Like a boat on the ocean it is weird when it is mill pond smooth. The way it felt to me being married to gay in denial was like entering a mill pond where there is no movement, no up and down no liveliness in the spirit - by the end of my 30's I was unwittingly wearing his depression, I was like a pillow for him, and as I aged I devalued like a pillow losing it's fluffiness.
That's not all there is to me, and creatively I have bounced back even though I am in my 60's. I just think you're here because you are looking for the next step to take and feeling for the ground in front of you - hope so, my suggestion is to think about your whole contract with life - settle back and have a good think about it, how you want to go from here. What your needs are. My philosophy is that it is like sighting with crosshairs - if it is something I both need and want.
wishing you all the best, lily
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Posted by Ordinary guy September 2, 2021 6:47 pm | #53 |
If I recall, wasn’t there a question from a female spouse regarding David Yurman jewellery in relation to whether or not it was significant? I don’t know for a fact. From the perspective of an unfortunately straight man it sounds as if RAR1027’s spouse is trying to be straight with her, when he is not.
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
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Posted by Ordinary guy September 2, 2021 7:28 pm | #54 |
Apologies, my bad.
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
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Posted by Soaplife September 2, 2021 7:41 pm | #55 |
RAR, the Viagra/sexless marriage combo is always a bit of a giveaway - logic would dictate that he must be cheating with someone. So if you still have sexual contact, get tested for STIs - better safe than sorry.
Part of their game with us is to keep us uncertain and wondering what we can do to make it all better. All our focus on them.
However, we can twist ourselves into knots and spend hours/days/years trying to figure out our men and never be able to.
I finally realised I was being abused. So ultimately the gay/not gay thing was not primary. My safety was.
DARVO works very nicely for them to keep us confused and on the hop.
DENY We ask, they lie.
ATTACK We ask again, they get angry.
REVERSE VICTIM and OFFENDER We ask again, we are persecuting them by not believing them.
It is very freeing, I discovered after 15 years of this type of abuse, to focus on ourselves instead of them.
Is this acceptable to me?
Do I want to be old and alone with this man?
Would he care for me if I was sick or dying?
The answer to all was no for me. I already felt unsafe with him. He was already driving our kids away and isolating me. Travelling with him was a nightmare of stress, isolation, anger and blame. He believed in euthanasia.
Focus on yourself and what your needs, wants and desires are for now and the future. Take a hard look at the pros and cons of various decisions you might make to make your life better, safer, happier. Whatever outcome you might desire, what needs to happen to get you there?
Good luck and i hope you find a workable path for yourself through the worry and confusion.
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Posted by Gloria September 4, 2021 11:48 am | #56 |
I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I found out that my long term boyfriend was a homosexual so I broke up with him. I did not have small children so it was easier for me. Leaving him was the right thing for me to do but it may not be the right thing for everyone.
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