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February 12, 2020 8:35 am  #1


How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

Okay now I know for sure my husband is gay and he finally accepted, and for the people who made a decision of getting divorce...

How are we supposed to "know" if the guys we run into in future is either gay or straight?!?
Which it is making me harder to even believe there're any straight men left on this earth!
Feels like every men are gay now. No straight, or all the straight men aren't available or something.
Feels like my perception has completely collapsed and can't be confident with my own judgement that I would never end up with a gay man all over again.

As much as I hope to meet somebody when I'm ready, who can actually treat me like the way I was supposed to be treated from the guy I married to, who turned out to be gay. I don't know....I'm not confident if I can find straight man that I meant to be with.

What kind of signs do you guys spot in those who are gay but pretending as a straight men??
I feel like the world is so messed up, or I'm totally messed up in a head now with trauma even to judge the truth in people.
Is it really just a "listen to our instinct" left for us to really know??

Last edited by lavender-mocha (February 12, 2020 8:49 am)

 

February 12, 2020 9:26 am  #2


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

Try to really get to know them and their friends. I'm a senior citizen and not into internet dating but I have been told and have read that Christian dating sites are hunting grounds for guys who do want to remain in the closet.

(Of course that's Catch 22 with being religious and dating. You are supposed to wait until you are married and then you discover that you are still waiting [img]https://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/sad.png[/img])

Besides getting to know their friends get to know their families. When they bring you home does the family's enthusiasm look like a sigh of relief and/or a celebration?  Does he gravitate towards the female relatives - as in he's always in the kitchen talking with his mother and cooking. Does he tell you of having a bad relationship with his father? Dad may have called him a sissy and insinuated he was gay - bad parenting but maybe also right.

But the best thing to look at after a certain age is their relationship history. Think of him or her as a job applicant: multiple short-term relationships which never advanced to an engagement; live-ins that did not advance to marriage. If there were marriages, how did they end? Still married - get outta there!

I met my current partner through a mutual friend. That's the old-fashioned way and why being honest with friends about why your relationship has ended is important. If they know how badly you got burned they will be particularly careful about sending a cad your way.

Good luck!


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

February 12, 2020 11:50 am  #3


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

I don't have an answer, but I will say, in 20-20 hindsight, there's one red flag I didn't see.  When I first started dating my husband, he and his family used to talk all the time about this one uncle who had gotten divorced multiple times, and how all these women were all just taking advantage of the guy.  This turned into a recurring theme from my husband, every time one of his friends got divorced, the wives were ALWAYS trying to screw the husbands.  When our relationship became a little more serious, i felt it was important for me to reassure him that I wasn't like THOSE women, and I feel like maybe in retrospect I was being manipulated.  I spent over half my life with a man who was reflexively mistrustful of women, and the harder I worked to earn his trust, the more comfortable he got always having the upper hand.  It's only now, in hindsight, I understand: he was projecting on to me his own duplicity, and I was projecting on to him my own honesty.  People can think I was gullible, but in reality I don't think like a cheater, so it's hard for me to see how someone else would actually chose to spend a lifetime as a cheater.

So I would say the red flag for me was this kind of hostility and suspicion.  If I have it to do over again, I'm going to watch and see if a man treats me like he believes in me completely.  If he treats me like I'm trustworthy, that will tell me whether he's actually trustworthy.

 

February 12, 2020 12:25 pm  #4


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

I can tell by the body language sometimes. There’s a genuine excitement when they look at men. The face lights up; the body leans in.

There is a propensity for white lies when not necessary. They are used to hiding their sexual orientation so they have become accustomed to lying. Or they’ve told so many lies, they can’t keep them straight (sorry for the pun). Basic facts about their life change from day to day.

Virulent homophobia and deeper than average knowledge of the gay lifestyle.

Love bombing within the first few months and wanting to date you exclusively. They have ulterior motives- gay or wanting to use you in some way.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

February 12, 2020 2:14 pm  #5


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

I am still moving through the divorce process to the separation/divorce for me is very new. I am not dating or looking for relationships right now choosing to focus on myself and transition into a new direction. Eventually I will find relationships but I am not forcing things, I will let them happen organically.  So when the day comes I will ask the following.

I would go something like this if a relationship was forming where I needed or wanted to know. 

"So I am divorced, I was in a 20 year marriage where my ex-wife came out as gay and I don't want to go through that experience again. I know this question is direct and may sound strange but how straight are you?"   " I really don't want to become involved with anyone who might cause me to go through a similar experience, I hope you can understand."

I would like to think that the responses you would get to this question would tell you all you need to know. 

Other than that, I am now aware of many red flags that I wasn't previously aware of.  You know I didn't know what I didn't know. So I lived the life and the relationship I knew.  

 

February 12, 2020 5:43 pm  #6


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

sorry to say it but the explain and ask them direct does not work. 

I thought the same and have tried it - no quarter given, even when it was obvious they weren't, they still told me they were straight.  

It seems to me that one just has to absorb the fact that the dating pool really does include a lot of non-straights who are wanting to pair up with a straight.

In general, with people I meet, if someone is appealing then I accept that is happening but wait a moment to see what comes next.
 

 

February 12, 2020 8:54 pm  #7


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your thoughts. 

You know, like all the basic things we can obviously tell if they're gay or not, I believe those obvious basic signs won't work with most of us now. And it's because we're all betrayed, lied to, disrespected, and tricked our mind for a long time.

Now it is extra harder to simply just fall in love with someone because we all know that people answering our questions doesn't neseccarily mean they are honest with us. We never know if people are speaking & showing their truth because our gay husband/wife had showed us human's capability. That's when I start feeling stuck in this dark, negative loop of not able to trust anybody. And I believe this applys to any type of situations.

Plus I've heard this study or something many times, saying that the most gay people have their parents divorced and that not having their father is huge bottom rock for them to become gay. Speaking of the devil, my husband's parents were divorced, his father is such an asshole who is "never wanna put any efforts from himself but always expect it from people" type of guy. When I think of this and the fact that the couple who gets divorce is keep increasing in today's world, does that mean.....if that's true, men on this earth will eventually all turn into gay?!

I'm still in the beginning of the process of getting divorce, so I'm not talking about finding someone right now. I have so many other things that I want to focus on for myself & my children. Eventually I hope there's a guy who is meant to be with me out there somewhere but right now, I'm just grateful that I'm finally out of my soon-to-be EGH's closet nightmares and not dragged into it!

I read that some of you have dated or been dating significant others right now after this traumatic life event. How does it feel like? Can you feel the absolute differences with how you've been treated from them? What was it like to start dating again?

Hope to hear your story I don't wanna feel hopeless in my love life.

Love,

Last edited by lavender-mocha (February 12, 2020 9:04 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

February 12, 2020 9:03 pm  #8


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

I think your 'instinct' or gut feelings can be pretty accurate. Stereotypical 'nice' people are often socialized into ignoring or excusing things that initially set off the warning bells for others. You get those feelings for a reason. I would suggest not talking yourself out of them. Especially if you are lonely or like someone a lot although that's difficult. The more emotionally and mentally healthy you are, the easier it gets I think to see those red flags and 'get out of the water'. If you do get fooled, then hopefully those skills you've learned just get you out quicker. (Sadly I'm often in the latter category).

Based on my own experiences, I would say 'hot and cold' behavior is a good indicator. When I was convenient or needed it was hot. When I was in the way it was cold. And it was never naturally warm and affectionate. Healthy relationships, even friendships, tend to have steady progression as you get to know each other. Extremes are a red flag for me. I also look for consistency. Do they act in congruence with what they say? This takes time but I'm all about 'Verify, then trust' now.

I don't plan to date again because I tend to be bad at this with people I like but I've improved and have been applying it to my platonic relationships. I'm proud of myself that I've improved even that much. I don't stick around (emotionally) for explanations or excuses anymore. And I'm always happy to see people post here with their recovery stories. It gives me hope for happiness even if I never have another relationship.

 

February 12, 2020 9:31 pm  #9


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

Whirligig wrote:

I think your 'instinct' or gut feelings can be pretty accurate. You get those feelings for a reason. I would suggest not talking yourself out of them.
I also look for consistency. Do they act in congruence with what they say? This takes time but I'm all about 'Verify, then trust' now.
I don't plan to date again because I tend to be bad at this with people I like but I've improved and have been applying it to my platonic relationships.

YEESSS I agree with you a lot! I think our instincts are always there and built in as our life skills for a reason. And the consistency, yes. I've always hated seeing my husband so not consistent with what he told me and what he actually did, which lead to lying.

Lol I am not good at people I like either, I feel like I'm too straightforward or honest or something. So I am happy for you that you're able to establish some platonic relationship that makes you happy and recovering. Will see what my future holds for me...

     Thread Starter
 

February 13, 2020 8:52 am  #10


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

What is interesting now that people are aware of my impending divorce is that I am now getting unsolicited feedback from some people.  It is so frustrating when I hear it....
"I always thought she was gay"
"There was always something about her"
"She did seem a little on the sporty tomboy side of things"
"O I knew this for a long time"
and the worst.....
"How didn't you know"

Then I go down the anger hole of "why didn't anyone tell me!"  You know what it just goes to show that no one really knew and that with the new information they were given all of those pieces of information, those signals that didn't make sense to them now suddenly do.

For me it will really come down to red flags and instincts.  Also, having any future women I am interested in meet a few of my closest friends so my friends can get a gut check about her as well.

 

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