Try to really get to know them and their friends. I'm a senior citizen and not into internet dating but I have been told and have read that Christian dating sites are hunting grounds for guys who do want to remain in the closet.

(Of course that's Catch 22 with being religious and dating. You are supposed to wait until you are married and then you discover that you are still waiting )

Besides getting to know their friends get to know their families. When they bring you home does the family's enthusiasm look like a sigh of relief and/or a celebration?  Does he gravitate towards the female relatives - as in he's always in the kitchen talking with his mother and cooking. Does he tell you of having a bad relationship with his father? Dad may have called him a sissy and insinuated he was gay - bad parenting but maybe also right.

But the best thing to look at after a certain age is their relationship history. Think of him or her as a job applicant: multiple short-term relationships which never advanced to an engagement; live-ins that did not advance to marriage. If there were marriages, how did they end? Still married - get outta there!

I met my current partner through a mutual friend. That's the old-fashioned way and why being honest with friends about why your relationship has ended is important. If they know how badly you got burned they will be particularly careful about sending a cad your way.

Good luck!

I am still moving through the divorce process to the separation/divorce for me is very new. I am not dating or looking for relationships right now choosing to focus on myself and transition into a new direction. Eventually I will find relationships but I am not forcing things, I will let them happen organically.  So when the day comes I will ask the following.

I would go something like this if a relationship was forming where I needed or wanted to know. 

"So I am divorced, I was in a 20 year marriage where my ex-wife came out as gay and I don't want to go through that experience again. I know this question is direct and may sound strange but how straight are you?"   " I really don't want to become involved with anyone who might cause me to go through a similar experience, I hope you can understand."

I would like to think that the responses you would get to this question would tell you all you need to know. 

Other than that, I am now aware of many red flags that I wasn't previously aware of.  You know I didn't know what I didn't know. So I lived the life and the relationship I knew.  

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your thoughts. 

You know, like all the basic things we can obviously tell if they're gay or not, I believe those obvious basic signs won't work with most of us now. And it's because we're all betrayed, lied to, disrespected, and tricked our mind for a long time.

Now it is extra harder to simply just fall in love with someone because we all know that people answering our questions doesn't neseccarily mean they are honest with us. We never know if people are speaking & showing their truth because our gay husband/wife had showed us human's capability. That's when I start feeling stuck in this dark, negative loop of not able to trust anybody. And I believe this applys to any type of situations.

Plus I've heard this study or something many times, saying that the most gay people have their parents divorced and that not having their father is huge bottom rock for them to become gay. Speaking of the devil, my husband's parents were divorced, his father is such an asshole who is "never wanna put any efforts from himself but always expect it from people" type of guy. When I think of this and the fact that the couple who gets divorce is keep increasing in today's world, does that mean.....if that's true, men on this earth will eventually all turn into gay?!

I'm still in the beginning of the process of getting divorce, so I'm not talking about finding someone right now. I have so many other things that I want to focus on for myself & my children. Eventually I hope there's a guy who is meant to be with me out there somewhere but right now, I'm just grateful that I'm finally out of my soon-to-be EGH's closet nightmares and not dragged into it!

I read that some of you have dated or been dating significant others right now after this traumatic life event. How does it feel like? Can you feel the absolute differences with how you've been treated from them? What was it like to start dating again?

Hope to hear your story I don't wanna feel hopeless in my love life.

Love,

Last edited by lavender-mocha (February 12, 2020 9:04 pm)

Whirligig wrote:

I think your 'instinct' or gut feelings can be pretty accurate. You get those feelings for a reason. I would suggest not talking yourself out of them.
I also look for consistency. Do they act in congruence with what they say? This takes time but I'm all about 'Verify, then trust' now.
I don't plan to date again because I tend to be bad at this with people I like but I've improved and have been applying it to my platonic relationships.

YEESSS I agree with you a lot! I think our instincts are always there and built in as our life skills for a reason. And the consistency, yes. I've always hated seeing my husband so not consistent with what he told me and what he actually did, which lead to lying.

Lol I am not good at people I like either, I feel like I'm too straightforward or honest or something. So I am happy for you that you're able to establish some platonic relationship that makes you happy and recovering. Will see what my future holds for me...

JoeC wrote:

Other than that, I am now aware of many red flags that I wasn't previously aware of.  You know I didn't know what I didn't know. So I lived the life and the relationship I knew.  

Can you tell me what some were?

Also, Mocha, I can only verify for you that there is one 100% straight man in this world. I am realizing now that any other man or woman I meet could be hiding or justifying to themselves their same sex desires. My expectation is that probably 75-80% of men are straight "enough" for it not to cross into bisexuality and probably half of them (~35% male population) are like me - absolutely straight. What I have found as strange - denial and relabeling what appears to me as obviously same-sex attraction behavior. "Oh, its not gay because [insert absurd justification here]."

Questions I would ask a guy -
-Have you ever had any sexual act with a man?
-Have you ever masturbated to pictures, thoughts, videos, or other fantasies of men or a man?
-Do you lose your erection when you are watching a porn and the man comes into frame or you hear his voice?
-Do you ever, even for Halloween, dress as a woman or female characters?
-What actor do you like to see on screen? (talent-less pretty boy or an old grizzled professional actor)
-Do you fantasize about going down on women?
-Who is the hottest actor in Hollywood? (I would have to really search my brain for actors I have heard others comment on, since the attractiveness of men goes over my head without getting my attention)
-Does he initiate sexual touching, caressing, etc., and seem genuinely let down or releived if you politely tell him you are too tired for sex?
-Eyes always or frequently closed during sex. If he finds you attractive, he won't want his eyes closed - he will want to just take in your shape, hair, eyes, legs, etc. Don't take it for granted, though. I close my eyes too, sometimes, when the feeling is paramount or I want to keep myself focused.
-Has he ever been on a gay/bisexual dating app or bulletin board - ever - for any "reason".

Just some thoughts.

Last edited by UserNada (February 13, 2020 10:30 am)