okay so it was a close call - but I am responding to your post.  

All the straight spouses, ie straights married to gay, that I have met are gay friendly - and I am no exception.  I reread my post and it isn't us v them at all, it is about understanding the territory we are all in.  

Gay people often say straight people don't know what it's like for them and I agree.  The point I am making is it's the same the other way round - they know no better what it is like to be straight than we know what it is like for them even though they know something of both genders that is what they know, not what it is like to be straight.  

I do not make light of the forms of identifications, I believe them.  When she says she is pan not bi it makes me think that she might be coping with a change going on in herself, hence my suggestion you look further and read up on transgender, a suggestion that was not intended to be disrespectful.

Hope things go well for you and your family, all the best, Lily.