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January 23, 2020 2:22 pm  #1


First post. Feel like a fraud. I'm straight male, she's pan female.

So.
I'm 33 years old, straight male. Been married to my wife for almost 10 years. We have 7 kids. She recently came out to me as pansexual. (Originally, she thought she was bi, but later realized that she wasn't specifically attracted to male and female, but rather attracted regardless of gender.) She said she realizes she has always been pansexual, but never had a label to identify it or a way to express it. She had a conservative upbringing, and any thoughts she had that a female was attractive, she dismissed as something being wrong or weird about her. She's also done some soul searching this past year, reevaluating her life and discovered she is autistic, and was never diagnosed. She tells me that my confidence in her, and the confidence I give her is part of why she feels strong enough to reflect and define these things. We are staying together and not opening our relationship, as she very much still loves me and only me. These are not new adventures in her life, merely revealing what and who she's always been. Which is fantastic.

What's less fantastic is that I' now suffering from what feels like crippling paranoia that she will grow tired of her safe, boring, heterosexual partner and want to validate her queerness someday. She says that won't happen, but everything I see online... every testimonial says differently. There are tons of stories of bi/pan people who grow to resent their spouse because they are missing out on the same-sex experiences they never had before coming out. My wife is a wonderful, powerful, fierce woman who is capable of changing the world. And I'm just afraid that one day she won't want to appear so safe in a straight-presenting marriage with this part of her hidden.

I feel like I don't belong here on SSN, because our marriage isn't ending, she loves me, our kids aren't suffering, and we still have sex on a regular basis. But I am absolutely terrified that it won't always be this way. And even if our marriage doesn't end, I'm afraid she'll grow to hate me from keeping her from being who she wants to be.

 

January 23, 2020 9:17 pm  #2


Re: First post. Feel like a fraud. I'm straight male, she's pan female.

rlrthesecond wrote:

I feel like I don't belong here on SSN, because our marriage isn't ending, she loves me, our kids aren't suffering, and we still have sex on a regular basis. But I am absolutely terrified that it won't always be this way. And even if our marriage doesn't end, I'm afraid she'll grow to hate me from keeping her from being who she wants to be.

 

Welcome to our Forum Rlr Wow...7 kids, and then to have your wife 'come out'. It's very early days so you should not make any hard & fast decisions or statements about where you should be, or indeed what should be happening in the r'ship between you and her (and actually neither should she)

Your paranoia....and yes it will grow....is natural for a straightspouse who tries to keep the r'ship together. And in the end it may become too hard when you realise the paranoia never fully goes away. But that's why the most important thing you can do is work on yourself. See a counselor, talk to a friend, a family member. I know it's not as easy for some men to confide in others but....Rlr you just have to. For your sanity, and for the sake of your children. 

Please don't feel you don't belong here. This is a Forum for any straightspouse. I'm de facto, and still with my partner, just, and I totally belong here! This is a long road not a short path and the people here have a tonne of wisdom, advice and compassion. You have much to learn about yourself, as does your wife. You'll be stronger when you get to the end

Your fear that she'll grow to resent you is a real thing. I resent my partner for blowing our r'ship (35 years) well and truly OUT OF THE WATER. He resents me for denying him his bisexual/gay desires. As far as I am concerned the straightspouse will always deserve the medal because he or she is on the frontline of this Mindfuck

Stay....read....absorb


 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 23, 2020 10:29 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 23, 2020 9:35 pm  #3


Re: First post. Feel like a fraud. I'm straight male, she's pan female.

I am in a pretty similar boat, rlr. I discovered my wife of 10 years is bi. I feel like I have no soul, that our life together was a sham, that everything around me is like skeletal ghost of the reality I knew. I am so full of grief it is horrifying. I literally feel like I am living inside a nightmare, as I suspected and confronted her about this when we were first dating about 15 years ago. She denied it and we have had a convincingly loving and sexual life since. In all honesty, I think she had denied it to herself, calling it just admiration or calling her interest more of an interest in the sex concept which women usually are evoking in film and ads, for example. It was a stretch for me, as I am, as far as I know, the most straight man I have ever known. I know how I feel about women and I know how I feel about men. I've known since I was a kid and never had a moment of doubt, urge, or interest in anything else. So, someone "not realizing" it sounds freaking absurd to me. How could you not know you want to kiss someone or draw them into a squeeze?

Now it is more certain...She admitted using lesbian porn, which to me is irrefutable evidence.

It has been about three weeks since I found out. I am not so suicidal as I was just a few days ago, though I think this is more a result of putting the thoughts out of my mind and emotional exhaustion - not acceptance. I could do little more than cry for days. I never have been so emotional in all my life. I loved my wife and my life with her like she hung my heavens.

So, I guess I am just saying that you aren't alone, for what it is worth. At this very moment, there is a man in a very similar position as you. Let's get through this, brother, with our spouses on board or not.

Mine thinks the revelation means nothing to her and she wants only me - ever. I have had the same expereince as you, reading online the hundreds of what I consider horror stories of open marriages, betrayals, step-by-step admissions over months/years, and so on. It fills me with despair and paranoia.

I can't tell you what to do, as I am still trying to decide myself. We have two kids, ourselves, and I have read enough to know not to rush to a decision in the first few months at least (as long as we get along OK).

I genuinely weep for you, buddy. I am sorry this has happened to you.
 

 

January 23, 2020 10:33 pm  #4


Re: First post. Feel like a fraud. I'm straight male, she's pan female.

UserNada wrote:

I genuinely weep for you, buddy. I am sorry this has happened to you.
 

Nada....welcome. I feel somewhat 'on the backfoot' when a male straightspouse posts here because while the overall situations are at a base level the same....the emotions & reactions are different I think, so I love that you replied to Rlr and your last line was beautiful

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 24, 2020 7:49 am  #5


Re: First post. Feel like a fraud. I'm straight male, she's pan female.

I was young when I married, my ex was a few years older than me.  

He knew he was attracted to men.  I was the last person he was going to tell.  While me, on the other hand, I had no idea people weren't honest about such things, too important to lie about isn't it?

Not sure what the difference is between pan and bi.  We got no idea really, us straights, what it is like to be same sex attracted, it's all so simple for us.

It's very different, that's what I have come to understand.  The people who want to say there's no such thing as straight are not straight.  

In understanding your wife I think it might be worth doing a bit of reading up on transgender and intersex.  I think that when a person goes oh see it's just that I'm a bit autistic what they are saying is I'm not feeling it.  It's no wonder you're feeling anxious.

She sounds very high powered and yet it's all about her needs not yours.  It's not just about whether you are keeping her from being what she wants to be.  It's about whether she is keeping you from being what you want to be.  A straight woman is a world of difference,

So sorry, hurts such a lot doesn't it.  wishing you all the best, Lily

 

 

January 24, 2020 10:30 am  #6


Re: First post. Feel like a fraud. I'm straight male, she's pan female.

Wow. So much to respond to. Let me go one at a time.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Welcome to our Forum Rlr ...
Please don't feel you don't belong here. This is a Forum for any straightspouse.

Thanks for the welcome. I do have counseling scheduled, and have told two very close friends I trust. And yeah, there are no rash decisions being made by either of us. The only thing I have emphasized to my wife that needs to be done moving forward is that this isn't "her journey" or "me dealing with it". This is just our life. Together. Anything her or I do to understand this MOM, it needs to be done together.

     Thread Starter
 

January 24, 2020 11:21 am  #7


Re: First post. Feel like a fraud. I'm straight male, she's pan female.

UserNada wrote:

So, I guess I am just saying that you aren't alone, for what it is worth. At this very moment, there is a man in a very similar position as you. Let's get through this, brother, with our spouses on board or not.

Mine thinks the revelation means nothing to her and she wants only me - ever. I have had the same expereince as you, reading online the hundreds of what I consider horror stories of open marriages, betrayals, step-by-step admissions over months/years, and so on. It fills me with despair and paranoia.

I can't tell you what to do, as I am still trying to decide myself. We have two kids, ourselves, and I have read enough to know not to rush to a decision in the first few months at least (as long as we get along OK).

I genuinely weep for you, buddy. I am sorry this has happened to you.
 

Dude. Brother. We will get through this. It sounds like we're in a pretty similar situation, indeed. 1st, I'm all for connecting and working through this stuff with someone. Send me a private message, Maybe we can talk over Messenger or something. You mentioned how you're not as suicidal as you were a few days ago. If you are feeling suicidal, reach out to someone. I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are very loved, despite this dark time.

2nd, "Mine thinks the revelation means nothing to her and she wants only me - ever.". Good. Don't be afraid to tell her that you need to hear that. I flat out told my wife that she is going to need to verbally reaffirm her feelings towards me a lot more, moving forward. One night, i just told her "I'm having a really hard time with all of this... can you please just tell me how I'm the only one for you." Doubts and paranoia aren't going away. We need to actively work to minimize and ignore them, but they will still be there. For me, the only course of action is to 100% trust my wife. If she says I'm the only one, then I'm the only one. No amount of me doubting, searching for lies, or preparing for the worst is going to cushion the blow if it is, in fact, true that she wants to leave me.

There is some vilifying the non-straight spouse, I've seen. With good reason in some scenarios. But every scenario is not the same. You and I both have wives that love us, discovered something about themselves that they say doesn't impact the current life they have. All we can do is take comfort in that. Continue to love your wife. One thing that helped me is telling my wife that I didn't want this to be "her journey", and i don't want it to be "something I'm dealing with". This is our life. Just another chapter. Seek answers together.

     Thread Starter
 

January 24, 2020 11:38 am  #8


Re: First post. Feel like a fraud. I'm straight male, she's pan female.

lily wrote:

I was young when I married, my ex was a few years older than me.  

He knew he was attracted to men.  I was the last person he was going to tell.  While me, on the other hand, I had no idea people weren't honest about such things, too important to lie about isn't it?

Not sure what the difference is between pan and bi.  We got no idea really, us straights, what it is like to be same sex attracted, it's all so simple for us.

It's very different, that's what I have come to understand.  The people who want to say there's no such thing as straight are not straight.  

In understanding your wife I think it might be worth doing a bit of reading up on transgender and intersex.  I think that when a person goes oh see it's just that I'm a bit autistic what they are saying is I'm not feeling it.  It's no wonder you're feeling anxious.

She sounds very high powered and yet it's all about her needs not yours.  It's not just about whether you are keeping her from being what she wants to be.  It's about whether she is keeping you from being what you want to be.  A straight woman is a world of difference,

So sorry, hurts such a lot doesn't it.  wishing you all the best, Lily

 

 It is very unfortunate that tone and nuance are lost when reading text. I'm sure that everything you said had the best of intentions, using your personal story to impart wisdom and advice. And I thank you so much for sharing.

But a lot of what you said comes off as very "us straights vs the non-straights". I understand your husband lied to you, and I can't possibly imagine what that feels like. But please, don't project your own experiences on to my marriage. My wife did not lie or keep secrets from me. When she discovered this about herself, and as she was processing these ideas, she came to me with them. You also said she is very high powered focused on her needs and not my own. This is not true. She understands and admits that there are ways that this is much harder for me than her. Like I've said before in above comments, we are taking the approach that this isn't "her journey" or "me dealing with it". It's just our life. Together.

You seem very dismissive of how LGBTQ+ people identify. That is only going to create breakdowns in communication.

"A straight woman is a world of difference." I don't know what you mean or are implying by this. Would you like to explain.

Again, thank you for sharing your experience. And I'm very confident that it is coming from a good, compassionate place. But the level of mistrust in our paths is very different, and I'm sorry you didn't have a spouse that trusted you enough to tell the truth. That's their mistake. Not yours.

Last edited by rlrthesecond (January 24, 2020 11:40 am)

     Thread Starter
 

January 24, 2020 12:50 pm  #9


Re: First post. Feel like a fraud. I'm straight male, she's pan female.

She tells me that my confidence in her, and the confidence I give her is part of why she feels strong enough to reflect and define these things. We are staying together and not opening our relationship, as she very much still loves me and only me. These are not new adventures in her life, merely revealing what and who she's always been. Which is fantastic.

Well, it is a good thing she trusts you, and is open about what she feels. Maybe all she wants is acknowledgement and acceptance of her feelings. 
It's way better than hiding and keeping a secret, for that is corrosive. Not only for the relationship but in the first place for her personality.
Being open and feeling accepted just the way she is, is healthy for the soul. So far, so good.

Going for monogamous relation together seems to me like a very good decision. This is where you both opted for, and this aligns with the marriage you inherently want to be in.
So I hope you don't follow the pressure of modern culture, "to be oh so very loving and understanding" that you encourage your wife to "further explore her feelings". Or that you allow yourself to be guided by the thing dangling between your legs and let visions of the possibility of a threesome cloud your mind. (not that I get that impression from you).
It's just to mention some of the general foolishness I observe, that will lead to almost certain death of a marriage relation.

The responsibility to provide a save and secure home for your 7 kids, with two loving parents to take care of them, is a lot of reason to act (more) sensible.

What's less fantastic is that I' now suffering from what feels like crippling paranoia that she will grow tired of her safe, boring, heterosexual partner and want to validate her queerness someday. She says that won't happen, but everything I see online... every testimonial says differently. There are tons of stories of bi/pan people who grow to resent their spouse because they are missing out on the same-sex experiences they never had before coming out. My wife is a wonderful, powerful, fierce woman who is capable of changing the world. And I'm just afraid that one day she won't want to appear so safe in a straight-presenting marriage with this part of her hidden.

when my wife told me she was lesbian (15 years ago), I searched the internet and got the impression I was fighting a lost cause. All those stories seemed to point to a direction I didn't want to go. And the so called "support groups", where more like intermediate stations to divorce and/or open relations. But I didn't allow myself to be overcome by those observations. You nor your wife are like sheep, following the herd. Why should you think that way? Is it an unavoidable destiny your heading at? No way, it all depends on who you and your wife are. You both choose your way together, and no one else.

How many marriage relations are there, like your situation in a reasonable good (sexual) relationship, where the wife tells about her "other sexual feelings"? Where it's accepted and those other feelings are not pursued, so without infidelity or dramatic outcome? Would they write their story on internet??? I don't think so... no hardship, no news, what's there to write about? 
Is there any statistic about that? Do you think those guys would be writing about it on internet?
So don't you think it's plausible that the stories (on internet, or shared IRL) are especially those cases where it (all) went wrong, and this selective representation now colors/distorted your perception?

If your wife is not expressing the wish to "further explore", that's probably because she understands that's not the right way to go about things in marriage. She chooses you and the family you have together, above fulfilling urges. Well, that's just like you I suppose. After all, there are at least more than a billion women you potentially be attracted to, still you chose one. Would it really make a difference if there were two billion to choose from?

So it boils down to the character of your wife, not statistics nor stories on the internet.
Talk and be open, create the space and openness that's needed to be really honest to each other.

In your posting you sound like you're now driven by uncertainty and anxiety induced by the internet stories. Resulting in feeling vulnerable and fearful. That won't help being open! Your wife will feel that too, she might get afraid to express her feelings just to avoid hurting your feelings. Don't do that, it just stalls everything. (been there, done that)
The whole thing is not easy, it's a challenge. You both can come out of it better, more deeply involved. Enriched in knowing and accepting each other. And that feels good! Yep, also in a monogamous marriage. 
Or it can turn out your wife is more involved with her self and realization of her urges above you and your kids. That's a hard thing to swallow, but it's facing up to reality too. If your wife is really that "stupid" consider that gain to know.

But from what you write I don't draw that conclusion. Your wife sounds like a Independent thinker, who's capable to concisely choose her own way in life and reflect on her choices.
Don't be overwhelmed by stories of other women that act without consideration and just follow their urges. What kind of person is your wife really, that's the actual question.

 

January 24, 2020 2:38 pm  #10


Re: First post. Feel like a fraud. I'm straight male, she's pan female.

Dutchman wrote:

So it boils down to the character of your wife, not statistics nor stories on the internet.
Talk and be open, create the space and openness that's needed to be really honest to each other.

Thank you. Everything you wrote was encouraging, but this statement here I feel is the best and most practical. 

     Thread Starter
 

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