I get so tired of this argument.  I mean, the only way we wouldn't be seen as negative to individuals on those other sites is if we had our focus purely on the gay spouse.  They are going to see anything but that as being negative.  This is a support site for str8 spouses, so no - our main focus is not nor should it be the gay spouse.  Lord knows it's difficult enough to keep the focus off of what's best for the gay/confused spouse since nearly everyone who first posts here is ready and willing to bend over backwards to keep their gay spouse.  It takes a bit of banging their heads into the wall for them to realize that they will only have anyone pay attention to their own needs if they do it themselves.  If their gay spouse were all that concerned for the mental and emotional and physical well-being of their st8 spouse, they'd have let us go years ago - or never married us in the first place.  We get into this position because we trust in someone who is being dishonest with us.  To tell us to be mindful of the words we use when we describe our own or other gay-married-to-an-unwitting-st8-spouse is frankly quite insulting.  They lied to us, deceived us, gas-lighted us in many cases led double lives.  But let's not look like we hate them, lest we be seen as painting all gays in a negative light, therefore making ourselves bigots.

That all being said, you get more flies with honey, as the saying goes.  That means that if you're trying to convince someone of how they've been wronged or encourage them to make a change (especially a big one), then attacking their mate (whom they still think of as just a poor, unfortunate soul) isn't going to produce the realizations that you're likely aiming for. They feel that they need to protect their spouse's honor (and by extension, their own intelligence in this person being the one they "picked" as their life partner) from our attacks.  And then that puts them in the position of maybe leaving because of feeling persecuted, or it not being easy to see the light later for fear of being told "I told you so".  Our perspectives can be right, but unwelcome if they are too harsh.

I think there's room here to be kind to others, and to vent about our own lives/situations.  It's normal and it's healthy.  To hell with anyone who doesn't agree with us focusing on ourselves and our pain and processing and healing.  We didn't put ourselves in this position - our gay spouses did.  Again, if we don't create space for ourselves and our issues, then no one else is going to.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (December 12, 2016 2:02 pm)

JJ1966,

Bless you, so very much for describing the pain so accurately and for your generous sharing. That kind of pain changes a person. Yours, clearly, has made you acutely aware of *other people's* journey & healing needs. 

Big hugs
Sham

I am in a MOM and have been for a long time, too long.  My husband is  a good person, kind and caring. He doesn’t do the things he does to hurt me, he does them because he’s gay. We grew up in a time and place where coming out as a gay man was a nightmare. If he had had his choice he would never have told me. I believe he loves me and I love him, but it’s not enough. Not enough for either of us.

We have just welcomed our first grandchild and this should be a time of only happiness.  The cloud over our head takes away a little of that happiness.  Finally, at age 62, he can tell me the truth. He’s a gay man.  I’ve looked the other way too long and now I have to leave him. I want to set both of us free. It won’t be easy, there will be a river of tears, I’ve already cried an ocean. We won’t be quite as well off separate as we are together but I no longer care.

My advice to women in this situation is to leave as soon as you can. I wish I had done it sooner but I won’t look back, just forward. We hope to divorce with grace, fairly divide what we have and try to remain friendly.

My wife told me she was bisexual when we got married but over the past few years she has become more and more convinced that she is lesbian. Recently she rented her own apartment and said she wanted to try a trial separation. However, we have also agreed that we will find marriage counseling during this time. 
What I am confused about is that she is still physically affectionate with me and is still open to sex with me, although she has not initiated sex in several years despite saying that she is still sexually attracted to me to a degree. She assures me I am good lover and nearly always experiences orgasms when we make love. 
I am willing to consider an open relationship, or one where she can pursue lesbian relationships on the side, but would want to be sure that she won't fall in love and leave me...again. If we were to get back together I would want to get to a place where she is talking about being bisexual again, and where I was confident that the physical attraction is more mutual.
Am I fooling myself that this is possible? Has anyone had a similar experienced. Before we were married she left me for awhile to be with women, but came back. That was nearly 30 years ago. Am I wrong and stupid to think she might come back again?