I'm new too. First posted a couple hours ago. I feel so much for you. I am sorry this has happened to you and me. I wish someone had told me. If someone knew and didn't tell me something THIS huge....I think people did know. If I knew/or even had an idea I would have made much different choices for myself and family. I read about triangulation earlier on this site.  Should I tell the most recent chump coming in? I believe I should because thats what i would have wanted for myself. Torn about this exposure thing. Don't know sh*t. I just got here, too. Thanks for listening.

Hi 6kidslater, 

Welcome to our group.  It's great to have you here.  I'm so sorry you experienced such a painful divorce.  I hope you are finding some peace and happiness in your new life now.  Even so, I'm sure there are still painful scars that lay just below the surface.  Hopefully we can help you deal with some of those issues and you can help us by sharing your experience and wisdom gained from it. 

To your question:   Have we dealt with people saying "we all knew"?   Yes I have and I'm sure it will happen again in the future when I reconnect with people that I haven't seen for a year or more.  

It hurts to hear someone say that.  It seems like an insult or undercut.  I have spent so much time thinking about my past.. specifically my decision to get married and I struggle with concept that there were clear warning signs that I chose to ignore.  Instead I believed what she told me because I was in love with her.  I also believed what I wanted to believe.  When we are in love we can create an alternate reality that is visible only to us and we fully believe it because we chose to.  18 years later I can look back and call myself an idiot.  But it hurts when other people do that.  When someone says "I always thought she was a lesbian" that just comes across as an insult to me.  
I got an angry at one friend who told me that.. I was angry that he was my friend throughout and he had that understanding, but never said anything to me.  When I talked to him about it, he told me that he knew better at the time.  He knew that I wouldn't have listened to him because I was in love with her.  I wouldn't have taken his council.  I would have probably been insulted to hear him talk badly about her.  So, knowing that I wouldn't listen to him, he thought it best to mind his own business.   It made a lot of sense to me.  I think he was right.  There are very few opinions that I would have even listened to at that point in my life.  Perhaps if my father or her sister would have offered me an opinion I might have listened.  But not my buddy who didn't know her anywhere near as well as I did. 

Anyway.. sorry to ramble..  but yes..  I've dealt with the second guessing from others and it's difficult to listen to.  

I can identify with each of you. My late mother-in-law told my ex's brother that my ex was gay, 5 years before he came out. My ex dismissed his mother's comment by saying "Mum's losing her marbles, can't believe anything she says" and I believed him.
My ex was the perfect husband, did all the things that would look right.
When he came out, most of our friends took is side and I became the nasty bitch. They would say things like "surely you must have known", "you stayed with him for 23 years, it couldn't have been that bad". 
I know now that I lived in denial for all the 23 years of my marriage. I couldn't afford, emotionally, to question myself or him. I kept to myself, never confided in anyone. I lived in shame from the honeymoon onward because I knew then that I was not good enough for him, I wasn't attractive to him, and I internalized it all. Shame is powerful and it's a lonely place to live. The first time I didn't feel lonely was the day I moved him out of the family home and into his own place. He had delayed moving, always making excuses and I began to see him for who he was: a controlling, inadequate human being who was all about image, clinging onto me and our marriage while he hoped I would come to my senses and not divorce him. "I acted like a husband. What more did you want?"
My kids were 14, 16, 18 when he came out 11 years ago. We have come a long way! Each of us found what worked best for us, we're healthy, and close. 
Like Phoenix, I'm in a spectacular time of my life. "nowimme" Now I'm Me! I have not become a new person. I have emerged as my own, real self that had been beaten down for a very long time.
SSN was my lifeline and therapy jump-started my relationship with the wonderful woman I am. 
Feeling for you all xox