Hi Jamie, ultimately this is your life and choice to make. Can such a relationship work? I suppose it is possible but we've never seen many examples of that here. Whatever you do please remember that you are just as important as he is and he needs to understand that and respect you. Keep those eyes wide open. Assuming what you want is a committed monogamous relationship it sounds like he will have the bigger struggle to face so he needs to be all in, hell or high-water. Best of luck and you're always welcome to drop in and chat.

Rob,

Thank you for your post, I'm so sorry about what you have gone through. Thank you for saying what you've said, he is all them and we don't deserve any of it.

Yeah, I know I have some of the issues you mentioned, but I also think I've had enough years of therapy and AA that this isn't as hard on me as some, plus he was honest about it before I met him. Sometimes I do get mad at myself and wonder why I thought he could just put his gay feelings aside for love, I just assumed it was the same thing I was doing. I still would have been interested in dating lots of other men and having sex with them, but I chose him, thought he could easily choose me. What does being bi have to do with what he's doing? I could see if he was totally gay, but how could he be totally gay when he's into me? Just make the moral choice to only think about me when it comes to orgasm.

He's not sneaking off to be with people or plotting anything. I just think there is so much shame in what he thinks or feels that he hides it. He's told me he feels dirty after he's fantasizes and masturbated, he knows it's wrong. I'm trying to come up with alternatives, seem to only be at 3 am or 4 am when he gets up for work. Told him he could wake me up for a quickie if he takes care of me later, within a few days. Also told him that it's ok to fantasize and masturbate sometimes, just say you did and then come to me for sex, don't let the fantasy substitute, let it add to it. Shoot, I masturbate a few times a week, I just don't hide it, there's nothing to hide and it's normal.

I am hearing what you're saying and I'm watching to see what he does, not just what he says he's going to do. Good thing is I'm financially able to take care of myself, good retirement coming in 10 years, my kids are grown and they really like him, all my friends and family do. I'm hoping for the best but prepared for the worst and I know I will be ok.

Daryl,

Yes, I hope so too, I deserve it. I've sacrificed so much of my life caring for my mom, step kids, birth kids, foster kids, kids at school and sports, the friends of my kids. I've been a good person, I've made some huge mistakes too, but I know I deserve happiness and to be able to reach my goals in life as well.

Jamie,   Sounds like you've made up your mind to stick with him.  I can see that you've spent a lot of time and energy making this choice, and you clearly feel it is the best one for you.   So I wish you the best going forward.  We are always here if you ever need to check back in with us.  Best of luck to you. 
 

I am so glad we are not alone!! I'm feeling every bit the same as many of you here.

Discussing some of these points with him as I’m reading while he’s playing video games. I am crackin' off saying, “yes, yes, I know how that feels” and he is getting very triggered. I don’t mean to be bringing it up all the time but him possibly being gay & our marriage being over is quite huge & distracting. Kinda makes it hard to just sit here and do every day things with a smile. It would not be so hard if we were separated during this turmoil. However, this led to much denial on his part about my pain (again). Him taking sides with the guy struggling with his sexuality when I was relating how he said to basically end the relationship based on what you know or find more compelling evidence (if you need that - like proof of an actual affair)  shouting “I ain’t putting up with having MY RIGHTS taken away from me!”. Checking his phone & emails for proof. That’s the RIGHTS he was talking about being violated. I pointed out how revealing it is that he is taking sides with him and ignoring the girl’s pain, as usual. And how I feel exactly the same. He was feeling attacked, I guess, again by the pain I am in BECAUSE of HIS actions (denying being gay & finally coming out bisexual but only with his wife, uh huh sure). This led to me talking about an incident I thought he fooled around with a guy. How I believe he went further than what he admitted & I sitll have issues with it. As I was stating the actual event saying "I am still unsure if you actually sucked the guys thing or visa versa..." I saw him squeeze his legs together tight as he does when he's turned on. Maybe he didn't notice that but I sure did. Was he remembering how it felt to have his thing sucked or to suck one or did more happen?? Then he went nuts. “I am not going to pay for this for the rest of my life. I told you what happened and I am not going to say another thing about it. If you want to keep rehashing this I want a divorce.” I was so mad, I said fine, "if you can't realize that lying/dishonesty cannot be fixed by you talking about it twice, then I want out too". He left the house to smoke. He's been pacing back & forth as I'm writing this. He's angry at me. Why? What did I do so wrong?? I only loved him as best I could. Ok, I admit after 10 years of checking his phone etc for evidence it has broken me down, broken the marriage down. But is that MY fault???? He says he loves me but it seems it is very conditional on me not having anymore issues with him whatsoever. I need CLARITY. I need to come up for air & get a fresh look. I think I will stop discussing any of this with him any more. I think I have my answer but I need you all to hold me while I accept it. I CAN do this. I need moral support. I need to know I'm on the right track. I'm not crazy. I'm not wrong that I need him to help me with the distrust. I'm not wrong that if he doesn't, it is truly over. Am I? This is how I spend my Saturday nights. Wait, this is every night. Almost all the time.