Hi OC,

I have read your posts and I am struck by the efforts you went to to make it okay for him to be open with his sexuality and what does he do?  pull away.  

When I found out about my ex the first thought I had was that now I knew and he didn't have to have any secrets we could be emotionally close again like I fondly believed we had been in the early days.  No we weren't emotionally close he was hiding being gay from me, what he had been back then was happy with me in all of my naivety - I made great wallpaper for his closet.

So what I realised after a little while of trying to be friends was that me knowing he was gay made it worse not better - he loves his closet.  It's not that he loves his closet because it hides his gayness it's that he loves living in a closet and fooling everyone - it makes him feel safe special and superior.  He didn't like me knowing.  When he realised I was serious about getting divorced he hugged me and told me he loved me and it felt so nice I almost bought it but I took a step back and noticed it was just words and no real emotion.

good luck with it all, look after yourself, wishing you all the best.

 

Wow, Lily, what you said matches my reaction exactly: I thought that once he was able to open up about who he was he would finally be able to be an equal partner in our marriage.  I recommitted emotionally to him and to our marriage. But, as was true for you, what I'd hoped for didn't happen.  He still continued to act behind my back, to refuse to communicate with me, and it became apparent that he loves his closet more than he loves me, and is willing to sacrifice me to his closet.  I see a lawyer today.  

WOW I am always amazed at the similarities in the stories here!

Lily and OOHC YES same reaction here. 

At first I thought, wow this will be a game changer, now I know why he was so distant and unhappy and now maybe he will have released his angst and guilt and will love me more. 

But then I realized all that had happened was now I was someone he needed to get away from as I no longer reflected back the image he wanted.  I knew too much and like the spy... had to be killed, excluded from his life.  He was happy as long as I never ever ever mentioned the betrayals or most especially my pain or sorrow at such huge and damaging actions to our marriage....He never wanted to do counselling or anything that actually addressed the issue with honesty.  He was OUT> of the marriage, but not his closet that I had shed light into which angered him to a really terrible degree.  I mean he actually gave me crabs when I was pregnant....and so god forbid I ask WTF had happened then....

I realized that unless I had a lobotomy there really was nothing in the relationship for me except a man play acting in relation to me as it seemed he had been the whole time.  And the day to day security of being a wife and sharing costs of living. 

GET AWAY JAMIE, just get space in your heart and mind that isn't all about HIS crazy problems and look for support for yourself.  Keep posting.  You are obviously a tough yet kind and unbelievably accommodating partner, but at some point you have to recognise when people don't think about YOU and your needs then that is not Love.... or even kindness in a partnership....

Thank you everyone for your replies, so much good stuff in there. JenS, I read that article, a lot of it sounded like me, but I still keep fighting and have never been submissive in any relationship, I'm a fighter because of where I came from growing up, and I have a head full of therapy and 12 step program, I know everything in my head and I call him out on it, it's my heart that is a mess. Why don't I see the writing on the wall and flee? I have gotten so depressed at home and did think how much better life could be if I only had half a brain, or how about instead of being the sober one and dependable one, I start drinking again and be a big old mess and have him take care of me? Like why am I they only one ever having to work on myself and my reactions, he's had the nerve to tell me to call my sponsor when I was getting crazy because of his behavior. Like how about you quit breaking all the rules we have come up with in marriage counseling and quit being an asshole?

So we have been in marriage counseling for years, it's only got to where he's opening up a bit, it's through the vet center and the therapist is not a therapist to handle the gay thing, she makes a lot of excuses for him saying that's the military way of thinking, he isn't into emotions, he's into the mission and getting things done, ha. I called her out on that and have told her that I don't think she's addressing some of his issues like the drinking or his possible gayness. I'm so open when we go in there, so most things are about how I grew up, that I have anxiety and he causes me more anxiety because of my upbringing, I did start seeing an individual therapist and a psychiatrist and started taking Lexapro a few months back, I agree I have always had anxiety and it's helped me a lot. Hubby did see another therapist a few years ago that specialized in gay and questioning, what he heard from that therapist was that he wasn't gay and I was a controlling bitch. I asked to meet with that guy and did, of course that's not at all what he said. Hubby hears what he wants to hear.  A few months ago hubby started seeing a therapist who specializes in gay/bi/trans/questioning, he's continuing to see this man and told me this therapist told him he is most likely gay. We will see where this goes and if GID hubby continues seeing the guy and figuring things out.

I don't know why, but it's so important to me that GID figures this stuff out and doesn't do this to someone else. When we split 3 years ago he made a dating profile on Christian Mingle and had gay profiles on POF and was on Scruf. I was so pissed, like you're going to drag some sweet innocent little Christian girl into this mess? Of course you won't be forthright with her about your gayness and you're going to completely screw her up, hell no, that crap isn't going to happen under my watch. In reality I know I have no control over him or anyone else and I shouldn't care what he does or doesn't do, I need to care more about me and my life and my 20 year old daughter still needs her mommy, not him.

Last edited by OCJamie (September 22, 2017 11:26 am)