I can only speak for myself.  I've found that sometimes, you just have to put things out of your mind.  I still do it allll the time with my mentally unbalanced son.  I could spend my days worrying about what his food situation is like, where he's sleeping, if he's getting proper healthcare, etc.  But he's twenty.  Still feels like a baby to me, but I was out in the world at 21, working full-time and had a roommate and my own apartment and car, etc.  So I tell myself that he CAN do it - Iiiii did it.  And he's been out there for two years now - I'm sure he's learned a ton.  He's still breathing, right?  He must have figured a lot of it out by now. He has health insurance, and I've walked him through how to use it, make a doctor's appointment, get a referral, and he's done it at least once when he absolutely needed to.  He knows that if he absolutely needed to again, he could call me and I'd walk him through it again.  STILL - if I start thinking about all of that, I can get.... stuck there.  And I hate that - because there's really no resolution for me short of taking him back into my home, which I absolutely cannot do since he's dangerous to my other children.  So if I start thinking about him and it wanders into worry, I tell myself that this isn't helping.  STOP it.  And just re-direct.  Go clean the tub or something - something mindless that requires some vigor and concentration.  My home is f'ing SPOTless.  Lol.

I really did train myself years ago to "put things down", or even "give them away".  To God.  I would pray about how I didn't want to carry this burden anymore - didn't want to worry over something, so I'm giving it to God.  Here ya go, God.  All yours.  I know you will gladly carry this for me - you've said so.  Then any time I accidentally pick that worry back up, I say, "oooooh no - I gave this to God.  It's not mine any more."  And I envision myself putting it down on the ground - like a box full of woe.  And I say once again, "This is still yours, God.  Sorry I stole that back.  It's yours."  I can't even begin to describe how effective this little trick is - at least for me.

When all else fails, I've just had to get on with the business of living.  No matter how low down I've ever been, dinner still needs to be made for my kids, the groceries still need to be shopped for, the carpet still needs to be vacuumed, and the dog still needs to be fed and walked.  It's hard to dwell on things when you don't make room for them.  I do realize that this could be considered not dealing with the problem - not going through the grieving process, or processing it.  But I seem to have been able to do that anyway.

It's also helped that if I know I'm walking into a trigger situation (like needing to interact with my ex), to prepare myself for that for a hot second beforehand.  "You will NOT let this man get you riled.  You will do what you need to do and say what you need to say.  But he can't hurt you anymore - because he's not important to you any longer.  What he thinks doesn't matter.  Rise above.  Keep your poker face on."  And it works.  Sometimes I get triggered when I wasn't expecting it.  And that's more challenging.  But I've had a ton of practice now at this game.  The man could tell me I was a terrible mother and at this point, I'd probably laugh in his damned face.  I know what I know.  And it's that I'm strong, I'm intelligent, I'm worthy of love, respect and happiness.  And HE is not going to take those hard-earned things from me.  He is no one to me now.  If we didn't have children to co-parent, I'd never speak to him again.

Kel

phoenix - I could have written something pretty similar. Holding pattern but OK.

For me the main idea here was that we may miss what was taken away with no certain timetable. In many cases here what was taken might not be our former spouse but instead who we thought they were or what we thought our past was (and turned out to be not). Instead of the grief of missing something cherished it's more like sad but also a bit angry about what we experienced. If we can fill up that hole with something much better perhaps the grief will subside?

Phoenix, 

I suppose it is really the definition of moving on to replace the old model!  Your post really has hit a sore spot as I somehow have felt loathe to admit that, Yes I miss having a husband and I so miss being a wife.  I guess at times I feel that is somehow wrong of me to want to replace that role in my life, but I so miss all the normal and day to day things that being part of a couple meant.  And to really see how having a relationship with a fully hetero man (or at least a less confused and angry one) will be!  I read someone on hear (Kel most likely!) say you can't grieve an old dog when you have a puppy licking your face.  

I have been with a new man for a while now, but he has been largely unavailable.  Saying all the right things to keep me interested, talking of the future, but largely it is starting to seem that it is a fantasy he talks about in a place called "someday".... a sort of vanishing point on horizon that just stays far in the distance.  Meanwhile I still grieve the old as the new has not really become real. 

This quasi-relationship feels so familiar because that is the nature of being in a relationship with a GID or cheating spouse....they just aren't there for you.  And this man tries to be so loving, but he just can't seem to fully leave his last relationship.  And I'm finally getting enough confidence to feel I deserve someone to be there fully for me, and that I don't need to be afraid of being alone, (Though I am I must admit.) He cannot act like it is his children or estranged wife that are keeping him tied.  He needs to be an adult and make the decision to be in a relationship with me and if they are upset (which I know is upsetting as my ex flaunted it in my face so I have been almost too understanding of their feelings) then that is what is going to happen.  It is really hindering my progress in getting over my GIDX as I feel this handsome, intelligent and charming BF says all the right things, but still is not really all in and I have believed and hoped as now another year has gone and I'm still not really in his life fully.  Cannot be all in.  I grieve that familiar ache of just not being securely loved and respected.  

"Moving on" is an ongoing process that is starting to feel like a good thing.... new friends and old friends alike are there for me and I want to look forward to that new puppy, but I have to make room in my life for that relationship....and I'm a one man kinda gal...and I suffered alot from not having the confidence to just throw out someone who was all those things on the surface, but underneath quite cowardly and made me terribly unhappy.

 They say you attract someone at the level you still are at, and I attracted this man when I was so so unwell and depressed and needy.  Now I see how unhealthy it has been, but on another level, it has freed me slowly from my GIDX and cushioned some of the blows of seeing him 'move on' with another woman.  They say people are with you for a reason, a season or a lifetime....and I guess I am seeing that more easily now without crying my eyes out at the man I thought was with me for a lifetime was actually just a season....long long winter season....cold and harsh...but now I look ahead to find someone to share the rest of my life with.  And I want that.  Yes.  I do.  And this first relationship out of the morass of my disfunctional marriage was an improvement, but still not quite the love of a lifetime...despite his saccarine words with no substance....grrrrr....

Last edited by Leah (September 18, 2017 8:10 am)

I can very much relate to you guys feeling like you're in "limbo" until you find a mate.  Honestly, I've felt like that my whole life whenever I wasn't with a committed partner.  I've always viewed it as something that I didn't want to feed.  I saw it as a bad thing that I felt that way - that I wish I could just "get over" my deep-seated need to have a man by my side.  I know plenty of people who are far worse than me about that - they can barely go to the grocery store alone.  It's as though they're waiting for their life to begin.  Then I know people that are quite the opposite - they're not "looking" for someone.  They might be open to the idea, but it hasn't stopped them from buying their own homes, getting pets, and going on vacations.  They plan the next thing to be excited about.  They know what makes them happy and they just keep doing that.  I've always admired that sort of person.

As someone who dated a ton after my ex and I decided to divorce, I've had lots of different types of relationships.  I use the term relationship loosely; in this instance, it means anyone that I repeatedly saw, even if that was for no other reason than the physical.  And what I see when I look back at it all is that the men told me (in one way or the other) how important I was to them, and what their intentions were.  I had some that were up-front about the fact that they just wanted something "casual" (read: sex only).  Others said they would just "see where it went".  This is also manspeak for (I really have no intention of meeting any requirements).  There are those that SEEMED to want a relationship, but just didn't make time for me.  It always seemed to make sense at the time.  I had one guy I saw regularly on weekends for food, fun and frolicking.  Lol. He'd just purchased an older home that needed plenty of TLC.  He was handy, so he was always replacing a fixture, flooring, etc.  Often he'd tell me about the project.  Then we'd hang out on a Friday night, I'd sleep over, and we'd do coffee on Sat. morning.  He'd stand there, metaphorically strumming his fingers on the counter while I finished my coffee.  "Go ahead", I'd say "start on replacing that fixture."  Nope.  He was done with me.  He got what he wanted.  Now he wanted me out of the way.  Until the next time he wanted me.  And that worked for me - in the beginning.  When I just figured that things were new and we didn't want to go too fast.  But after several months?  He was telling me that I wasn't his girlfriend.  He did NOT want me just hanging around.  Message received.  To be fair, he never said he wanted a relationship.  He just didn't specify what he wanted.  Whenever I'd ask to define it, I'd get the "why do we need to put a label on it" bullshit.

There were others who said they wanted something serious, and did things to make it seem like they were honest in that.  But when push came to shove, it wasn't ME they wanted - it was what I could offer.  The smile, the personality, the conversation, the sex.  I was something temporary to capture their interest for NOW.  And so I moved on - even if they used the right words and begged me.  If I have to be the one to say hi every day unless we're nearing a night that you know I'm free to come over, then you can't expect me to think that you're serious.

The most confusing ones are the one like you've got, Leah.  The one that talks of a future, and does the right thing when they're around you, but just isn't around you enough.  My brother did this to his now wife for a while when they first started dating.  He was still dealing with a lot of emotional baggage from his prior wife having cheated on him and raked him over the coals.  And since she had 3 boys from her prior marriage, my brother had no access to the kids he saw every-other-weekend for about 11 years.  He missed them desperately, but felt it wasn't an option to go ask their father if he could see them every once in a while.  Anyway, when my now sister-in-law came into the picture, they dated for a few months and she knew she really liked my brother,  He appeared to really like her, too.  They spent a ton of time together.  But he just.... wasn't done processing his past, and figuring out how to make his present work.  So she told him one night, "Listen, I REALLY like you.  But I'm not gonna sit around and wait on you while you figure out who you are now and what you want.  Come back to me when you do figure all that out, and whether it includes me.  And if I' free at that point in time, I can decide if that's what I want then, too."  He freaked OUT.  But she walked.  And he eventually went to the kids' dad and asked if he could see them occasionally.  And the man said yes.  By then their mom had moved out of the state, and there was my brother, sitting in the stands as one of them graduated H.S. - with two ex husbands sitting together.  And he figured his shit our right quick.  Because he no longer had the option of just taking his time.  He could do that, but he couldn't do it on his girlfriend's time.  And he figured it all out real fast once he realized what he truly wanted.

Speaking as someone who has only once experienced that magic fairy tale kind of love, I can tell you that it doesn't feel anything but a THOUSAND percent dead on.  He never once (in the past 6 years) has left me feeling confused over his feelings for me.  He's never once not stepped up to protect me - even when I haven't asked him to or I wasn't looking for that.  He's never once made me question if he's putting me first.  My biggest problem is trying to not take advantage of it - because I want a give and take.  He's never once not told me he loved me as I walked out the door - even if we were having a tiff.  He's never once called me horrid names just because we're in a fight and he's angry.  He's demanded that my kids respect me when they get lippy.  I cannot imagine ever going back to the kind of relationship where I am confused all the time.  This man could die and I wouldn't be with anyone else again unless it felt this way.  That man wouldn't need to have this husband's personality.  He's quiet and low-speaking - he's deep waters.  He loves cars and sports.  He loves going to the movies and out to golf.  Do I need the next man to be those things?  NO! Absolutely not.  But I need the intensity of the relationship to match this one.  Otherwise all I'll ever be doing is comparing it to the relationship I'm currently in.  And I'd never be satisfied again.  The trick is believing that your person is out there.  And that you can and will meet them.  And that you shouldn't even bother having a real, true relationship with anyone who doesn't make you feel like you're the most amazing person in the room.  Every.single.DAY.  If you're not getting what you need, even after bringing it up, then walk away.  You don't have room for a new car in your driveway if you have a jalopy parked there now.  MAKE ROOM for them.  Then expect them.  Turn over some rocks.  Turn over a LOT of rocks.  Just don't put any rocks in your pocket until you know you'd be a fool to leave that rock on the ground.

Know what you want, and then settle for nothing less.  PERIOD.  Again, if Iiiiiii can get this, ANYone can.  I am nothing special - not in looks, not in brains, not in money, not in patience.  I am nothing if not overbearing and loud and a little too unfiltered.  And Iiiiii found it.  If I can have this, anyone can.  Seriously.

Kel

I haven't been on here for a while and when I logged in again yesterday this thread caught my eye since that was precisely what I was trying to do - getting over all that has happened.  So much happened this last year that my head is still spinning from it.  It was and still is an emotional roller coaster.

I am not sure one can get completely over the fact that the one person that you trusted your heart and future with, betrayed you in the worse possible way.  Talking about it is certainly not helping getting over all the painful incidents.  There is just too many.  Crying is not doing me any good.  Anger is fuelling you for a second but taking you nowhere.  That was my grieving process for a while.  
Then I hit this blank, limbo space a few weeks after divorce.  I had no future, I realized.  Nothing to look forward to.  I dwelled in that weirdness for a while and then just decided to get up, get dressed and take charge.  I started with small things like by 30 September I want to loose 10kg weight.  By November 2017 I want a tattoo (picked the design, still try to find the courage).  March 2018, send book to a possible publisher, etc.  And most of all - I started to worship and praise.  In the morning and on my FB page.  AND IT HELPED!  I am still overcome by sorrow sometimes.  I am still scared sometimes.  But I found a new appreciation for life.  I cry if necessary, I rent when needed, but its for a short amount of time and then I move on.  I feel the hurt inside me and use it to make me stronger and fearless when I face difficulties.  I carry the pain as part of me.  I don't know if its right or wrong - but I have to admit, I a moving on and it is like I am living a better life now.