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September 18, 2017 9:57 am  #1

Mrs Lonely's story

It was a sunny day in July when I met Mr E.  
Such a handsome face was not to be ignored and I could not help but fall in love with this friendly, charismatic guy.  We were colleagues from different departments, but soon became friends.  It was a nice, easy friendship and very soon I was head over heels.  Open, honest and caring was what I looked for in a guy.  We clicked and started to hang out on a daily basis.  It was no surprise to anyone when we started to date.  Everyone saw us as the perfect couple. In my own eyes, we were the perfect match.

It was one week into our relationship and something bothered me.  When is good too good?  Its been months since we met and a week that we are together and not once did this man try to kiss me!  So, we had the talk... FLASHING SIGN right there, I would tell myself now.  He told me that he never was into kissing, cuddling, etc.  That was not him.  OKAY... But I am into kissing, cuddling, hugging, Mr E.  What are we going to do about that now?  Fast forward to three weeks later and I finally worked up the courage to grab this man and kiss him.  You like that?  Still don't like this stuff?  It got better from there on out, but in retrospect - it was me doing all the hard work.  Setting the mood for romance, trying to seduce him (which didn't work and gave my inner goddess a complex).  Oh, he did everything else in speedy mode.  Asking me to move in with him, introducing me to the family, proposing within one year.  Two months after we got married he wanted to have a child.  

Truth is, I was so in love with this handsome, good man that I never stopped and asked myself if I could live with this man for the rest of my life.  Yes, he was a good person.  Yes, he loved me.  Yes, he treated me like a princess.  Yes, he put me first.  Yes, he made me laugh.  Yes, he was a christian. Yes, I liked his family.  Yes, we shared the same values. Yes, I trusted him.  Yes, I could trust him, because he had no interest in other women.  Yes, he cared for me like a man should care for his woman. Yes, we could share (all) our secrets with each other. Not once did I doubted the sincerity of this man.  Why would I ever asked myself that question?  This was the best thing that I could ever ask for. 

"Are you sure he is not gay?" That question crushed my whole life and will forever resonate in my mind whenever I meet a man.  It destroyed every good thing that Mr E brought to my life.  It took my sanity for a while.  It brought me financial losses.  It broke my heart and left a pain that drowned me in bitter depression.  It shook me to the core.

My whole married life was put into question.  Who was this man that I married?  And all of a sudden the lies was revealed.  Worst part was, how I anticipated in that lies.  How he could meet someone and get completely lost into a friendship.  The lies that he sometimes spinned to concealed just how much time he really spent with a new "friend".  Me thinking that it was because of my warning not to lay on too thick with new friendships.  His best friend who completely vanished out of his life when we started dating.  The last year of our marriage he fed me lies upon lies about a new found friend.  And how I could not understand why he lied to me about stupid things like taking lunch with a friend (how idiotic could I be???).  Night out in town with gay friends and lied to me about sleeping in his hotel room - how convenient has work travels not become...!  And all the while I was uncovering all his lies, I still chose to believe him.  Still tried to push it back and save my marriage.  

So when I finally crumbled and confessed to someone about this and the fact that my husband has not touched me in over a year, she asked me that horrible question.  i was floored.  Shocked to the bone.  because the moment she asked me my eyes were open to the unthinkable.  I did not say it was impossible or why did she think it.  My response was a meek "do you think so?".  Right there, I knew she was right.  That was the only reasonable explanation as to why a very good man so sucked at being a passionate man for his wife.  Why there was times in my marriage of five years I yearned for it to be fifty years so I could be old with no lust for anything.  We loved each other, but our marriage sucked.  My husband was uncomfortable whenever we broached the subject of sex.  I always wondered why and finally fully understood.

Still, I was not ready to accept this. I started snooping on his phone and o my!  Guess what?  He was chatting with a gay guy.  He was watching gay porn at night when I was asleep.  That was so appalling to me - while I layed beside him sleeping he surfed gay porn sites, getting off and then waked me to finish the job.  Then he had the nerve to tell me it was for my sake...  OMW!!  I uncovered a whole Gay/Bi friendship network on his Facebook.  He even was friends with the Mr Gay 2015!  He was into this big time.  It was not a curiosity.  I had to see that, understand that, accept that.  It was so, so hard.  If I accepted that, I had to accept that my marriage was a lie and that divorce was the exit door.  Was I ready to do that?

So I tried to push that knowledge back into my mind one more time.  Let me make this work.  I cannot give up so easily.  So I tried. And failed miserably.  I could not touch him.  I could not stand his touch.  I looked at him through different eyes and the man I loved was gone.  I no longer trusted this man.  It was like living with a stranger.  A stranger that I was terrified of, because he wore a mask and never showed his real face.  It was a man who could look me in the eye and lied to me.  He was not the man I married.  I feared to go home.  I started to withdraw from not only what I have to face each day, but my reality and saddest of all, my two kids.  I checked out of my life and sinked deeper into a black hole.  I fought with God, because I kept asking for direction and there was no answer.  Instead I kept sinking.  At some point during the Christmas Holidays I felt like cutting myself.  It seemed like if I could bleed, all the hurt and frustration would seep out of me too.  I never got to that.  

But I started to realize that I need to take charge.  One morning I got up and prayed to the Lord.  Take this marriage, I told Him, since it is making me sick and I no longer want it.  In Your time, let me know what You expect me to do.  That morning I moved my clothes to the guest room and told my husband I needed space.  He nagged me for days to move back to our room.  I did.  One night he woke me up and I cried for him to leave me alone.  So he asked me what I wanted to do since we could not go on like that.  And the words finally find their way out of me.  I told him I wanted a divorce.

That was the end of my suffering, really. I felt at peace for the first time in many years.  I went and see a lawyer, filed for divorce, took my eldest to a therapist and started house hunting.  I moved out, focused on my career and kids.  I started coming out to the world.  I told my family and closest friends the truth about my marriage, but acquitances only know that we are divorced.  

It is seven weeks past divorce.  My kids are happy since I am able to create a happy and calm home for them.  My ex still betrays me from time to time, trying to hurt me/brake me through stupid stuff and I handle it as well as I can.  Occasionally, hurt and grieve overcome my new found peace, but I do whatever it takes to get to a happy spot again. Day by day I put the pieces back together.  Seeking myself again.  Trying to find a new future.  Writing my book.  Building my career.  Making new friends.  

This was a devestating path to walk and an incredibly hurtful lesson.  I was broken and hit rock bottom.  But within me I find strenght that is harder than steel and I keep going back to the One that gives peace beyond reason and understanding.The path in front of me is unknown and sometimes frigtening, but I kinda look forward to it.  I know that the past will sometimes come back to haunt me and that I will feel fragile and strong from one moment to the next, but it is kinda exciting.  

Cheers to the next chapter of my life.


Last edited by Mrs Lonely (September 18, 2017 1:04 pm)


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