When I miscarried our first child.....my grief was a finite thing, and the memories it left were sad and melancholic but that time is somewhere I can visit in my thoughts at any time without any deeper a 
reflection. 

The loss of the meaning of  the history, present and future of my r'ship with the man I thought I knew 
however..fills me with such a monumental sadness that it scares me that the continual groove of grief 
I'm in will wear so deep that I'll never get out. Scares me so much I make myself aware of the harm it's 
doing to my self-esteem, and though I put no time-limit on the grief I feel, there's always a realisation that 
sits on my shoulder telling me softly "this will get better....y'know nothing stays the same right?" 

My counsellor gave me a technique to use when my thoughts threaten to ruin my day. I call it "5 things" and I can do this anywhere, anytime.....even in the dark....lol
Note with your eyes, acknowledge 5 objects you can see (my reflective/crying/hopelessness time is early morning & in the dark I pick out things I know are in the room....a perfume bottle, a picture on the wall, a chair, my shoe, a hairbrush. And see them in my mind.
Next I hear 4 things. The sound of traffic, the wind, the clock, birds twittering
3 things I feel. My beating heart, the duvet, warmth
Then 2 things I smell. Yesterday's perfume, our sleepy aroma
1 taste...the freshness of my mouth

Try it  

This is a helpful link Daryl, thank you. 

Last edited by JenS (April 30, 2018 8:15 am)

I've found it to be much different than the grief over losing someone to death.  One of my best friends died young - he didn't make it to 35 (brain cancer).  When I think of him (even though it's been about 10 years now since he passed), I still feel sad at the loss. I do feel glad to have known him, but it's overshadowed by the feeling of sadness for not being able to communicate and laugh with him anymore.  My life is fulfilling and full of wonderful things, but there is no filling the hole that he left.  When I visit the place where that grief lives, it feels.... real.  And it hasn't changed in a loooong time now.  I think this is what it will always feel like.

With regards to my gay ex, that whole scenario feels more like an old boyfriend that I broke up with in my early 20's; I can remember the pain, but I don't access it any longer when I think of him.  Of course, unlike an ex boyfriend, I have to continue to interact with my ex, due to having joint custody over the kids.  My feelings now are more associated with anger over something that he's done - like blown off the kids, or paid his child support late enough that it's affected my budget.  Or when I'm actually forced to interact with him, he acts like he's angry with ME for some reason.  These things make me access my anger and confusion, but he really can't get me super upset any longer - because he's not important to me any longer on a personal level.  But the emotional surge isn't there any longer - hasn't been for years now.  As with any ex, I often think "Ugh - I can't believe I was WITH that guy."  It seems like a different lifetime ago.  Like bumping into an old boyfriend and realizing that I don't know him any more - don't know who he is today, don't remember the feel of their lips, don't remember all the little nuances that made them..... them.  I just don't access any of that any longer.

I can still remember a lot of the pain.  Just like I can remember childbirth or several of my surgeries.  I remember being in pain, and how intense it felt. I can even remember feelings of hoplessness at the time - how it felt like it'd never end, the depression and crying that came with it, the feeling that I'd never feel pain-free again.  But I can't access that pain any longer, really.  None of it is accessible enough to prevent me from having another surgery, from having another relationship, or - when I still could - from having another baby.  It's all just water under the bridge.  My former marriage feels exactly like that.  The other part is that when I run across something I have now that I didn't have in my former marriage, I realize that.  I know that I have something wonderful in comparison.  I'm able to appreciate it that much more now, because those little things still surprise me every time - they don't become background.  Every time he opens a door for me, or wants to bust into whatever room I'm changing in, or sends me a lovely text, I feel how special those moments are.  Because I remember thinking that the alternate was "normal".  And now I know that it wasn't.  It wasn't acceptable and never should have been.

It DOES go away.  Just like anything else.  But just like most trials, it feels like you'll go through it forever while you're going through it.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (September 11, 2017 9:55 am)

Well I for one am very proud of you, Leah!  I mean, hey - you saw an abusive situation and turned right around and got out of Dodge!  That's something that a person with self-respect does - one who doesn't believe the situation will change and needs to protect themselves.  That's a really good thing after believing others when they put you down!  It means you just took part of your life back.  You REFUSED to be treated like dirt.  I'll bet you're not the first person to have done that there, and you won't be the last, either.

It's good to be able to recognize that you've erroneously believed others in the past.  It shows you what you were giving up.  Now that you know that, you can work to not have that happen ever again.  When I decided I wanted out of my last marriage with my GID husband, I did so at a time when I felt like my self confidence was almost..... gone.  I'd gotten to the point where I felt like leaving might be a BAD idea - because who was going to want me?  After all, the person who loved me didn't want me, and he was used to me.  But at some point, I realized that it didn't matter if I was alone - it was better than being in the inauthentic marriage I was in.  The moment I decided I wanted out, I began to feel different.  My confidence started to return.  And it just kept growing.  Now when I look back, I can't believe I let myself get that low about my worth.  That'll never happen again.  I know better now.

You're on the right road.  And fuck people who tell you that you should be over it by now.  My MIL once told me that she couldn't understand why I was so upset over finding out that my ex was gay.  I mean, hadn't I suspected it?  I said, "Sure!  But if he'd been straight and I suspected that he'd been cheating with another woman, and then I had that suspicion confirmed, would you be telling me that I shouldn't be upset?"  She said she understood.  She didn't.  And that's because to her, it didn't matter if he was gay - he was her son, and his sexual preference didn't have to reflect his relationship with her.  But for a WIFE, it was EVERYthing.  I began to shoot back at people who said dumb things like "you should be over it".  I remember saying to one friend, "Oh, I'm sorry - when was the date I was supposed to be over it by?  Was that 6 weeks?  6 months?  I didn't realize there was a date or a set amount of time."  Those pushy fuckers got over their desire to speak their opinions REAL fast after that.  And yes, I swear like a sailor, too. 

Kel

Thanks Kel!  Yea, fuck'em eh? 

And Rob, I don't know "how" either, but I suspect that if I had to see my GIDX much I'd be struggling more.  It must be so much harder when your kids are so young.  Thankfully I don't have to see my GIDX.

But yea.  The how to go forward is the most important question.  How is today going to be more enjoyable?  I think I feel guilty being selfish and just allowing myself to be interested in what I want.  For years I have always been thinking about what my other half or my kids wanted, so now I get to just be a bit selfish.  And TBH it is tough at times, because what I wanted was a happy family and relationship!  So now I've got to figure out fully how to live MY life.  Something perhaps I needed to do, so my GIDX has done me a favour.  I get to do what I want. 

Good luck!  What is it you love to do?  I'm off dancing tonight....