Thank you for taking the time to post OOHC. You've reminded me that words matter, particularly to new members to this forum who are just barely starting their own journeys. This is why I try to remain as kind, caring, and respectful as possible when responding to straight spouse's questions. I remember not too long ago thinking "same sex attraction" (or SSN) when written by yet another new member was just some euphemism for "gay in denial." Then I quickly realized the words we use, like SSN, often determine where we are in our healing process. For example, just over five years ago I was deeply closeted and, reluctantly, probably would have labelled myself "bisexual" when I'm actually 100% gay. Here are five examples of words that have different meanings to new members vs. a (somewhat) long-term forum contributor like me.  

1. New members often write "he said he was curious" when referring to a spouse's gay porn habits or Craigslist messaging when I often think "WATCH OUT more is coming!"   
​2. New member: "bisexual" vs. me hearing "G-A-Y!!!"
​3. New member: "mixed orientation marriage" vs. me thinking "gay spouse looking to openly cheat."
​4. New member: "He says he was molested and that's why he's gay" vs. me thinking "MORE BULLSH*T LIES"   
5. New member: "it was a one-time hook up" vs. "likely years of cheating but he's just been hiding it"

All kidding aside, I want to end this post with a warning to all straight spouses. If you suspect your spouse is cheating, please please please do two things: 1. practice only safe sex by always using condoms; and 2. get tested immediately for sexually transmitted diseases. I know from experience that a gay-in-denial spouse will use the above language to minimize his/her sexuality and, most importantly, how much he/she may be cheating. There is also a very strong likelihood that when you start playing detective and asking questions, a gay-in-denial spouse will suddenly start demanding a lot of sex with his/her partner. It's as if they're trying to prove they are straight by having sex with you. During this hypersexual or honeymoon period, be very careful to practice safe sex with condoms. I also know from experience that gay-in-denial husbands take a lot of risks to like having sex with multiple partners, practicing unsafe sex, and thereby exposing both themselves and their innocent straight spouses to serious health risks like transmitting HIV/Aids. 

If you are reading this post, there is a very strong likelihood that your husband is gay and cheating on you with multiple partners. So I'd urge all new readers or forum members to err on the side of caution where their heath is concerned. This means getting tested immediately, and then abstinence or having sex only with condoms. Thanks for reading friends and please feel free to post any questions you might have for a gay ex-husband who is now divorced.    

Last edited by Sean (September 13, 2017 5:31 pm)

OK, needed some processing time.  Yeah, I'm starting to get really angry now.  I was too afraid when he was around because any strong emotion on my part, even being happy about something good that happened to me, caused him to turn on me.  I existed to make him feel better.

Sean, your direct and blunt answer is what I need right now.  I am still in his closet re: the HIV and suspected GID.  That means the only people who know my experience right now are my primary care doctor, my therapist, and the marriage counselor.  They all basically responded the same, with gentle concern and no questions.  I shared about the diagnosis with my daughter's therapist as I felt it relevant (major strain on last year of marriage) and he immediately said "do you believe him?" in a way that suggested "I hope not".  This is the closest I had come to someone questioning him, all my doctors were focused on me and moving forward.

Not having an angry response when I share something devastating had me doubting my feelings.  This next part of my journey is definitely going to be about learning to trust my instincts and acknowledging my feelings.  But, yeah, I needed to hear that it sucks and was indeed as horrible as I suspected.  Thank you for that!  Being in survival mode so long didn't leave a lot of room for processing.

Thank you everyone for this safe place to share and listen in.  I feel calmer and more settled the past few days than I have since I was young.  Truth, ugly as it is, matters to me.  This relationship isn't going to own me forever, I know that now.

The positive thing from all that is that we know we can survive on our own. Just get us a fair deal financially in the divorce and we will make it work. What we don't know about we'll Google.

Emotionally though it's harder. I've found that I expect all men to be incapable of doing practical things and am prone to jump in and direct when it isn't needed. I think it is part of the whole trust thing. I don't feel comfortable relying on anyone except myself and that is a quick way to discourage friendships. I have come a long way from where I started six years ago but I realize that the fact that financially I should not remarry is a barrier that does not totally disappoint me.

Hello,
I have been reading through this thread for hours and am both comforted to see I am not alone, but terrified about my new reality.
My husband and I met in our early 20's. We dated for about four years but he had never dated anyone else and wasn't ready for a commitment. I knew at that time he had had communications with men in chat rooms. We went our separate ways and fell totally out of contact. We moved to separate states and hadn't spoken in years, but I loved him every day. I loved him so much I wasn't ever able to have a meaningful relationship with anyone else.
About eight years ago, I signed up for Facebook and within a few days, I got a friend request from him. I was excited since I'd never given up hope on us, but scared at the same time. We talked causally for a while, then he started getting flirty and eventually we decided to meet while I was vacationing near where he lived at the time. It was like no time had passed and it seemed like our love was stronger than ever.
We had a long-distance relationship for a while, during which time he admitted he was bisexual and had been with men from hookup websites. It wasn't really a surprise to me, and I wasn't terribly affected by what he'd done when we weren't together. He had also had sexual relationships with a smaller number of women. After a year, he decided to move to where I live. We had normal couple bickering, but never argued or were cruel to each other. We had what I believe is a normal sex life, somewhat hampered by having very different schedules, but always loving and passionate. I knew he watched gay porn and had talked to men online. In my mind, I didn't really mind it because I know that's not something I can give him, and as long as he was faithful, I didn't really care about the other aspect.
He started talking about proposing, and I would ask him often if he's SURE I would be enough for him. He always said yes, that he's sexually attracted to men and women, but only wants a relationship with a woman. He proposed and we were engaged for two years before we started planning a wedding, and again I often asked him and received the same reply.
We've now been married for 2 1/2 years. Last week, I found a gay dating app on his phone. He admitted that he has cheated on me with four men. I was so angry and upset, and I told him to pack some bags and get out for a while. For days he begged me to work it out, that we could go to counseling together and he would do anything to fix this. He has severe depression or possibly bipolar disorder that I've encouraged him to get treatment for for years (he thinks medications are for "crazy people" and he doesn't need that). Two night ago, he came over to talk. I told him I love him, and I would be willing to try to forgive him. That we could incorporate more things into our sex life that satisfy his needs, and I would even be okay with occasionally agreeing for him have a "free" time with a man, as long as is was just sex. He was shut down before he arrived here, and basically said, "I don't love you, never have, I just needed someone to look normal for my parents but I'm going to be with men now." It's the first time he's ever spoken to me with cruelty in the decades I've known him.
I am devastated. I have never loved anyone else. After this amount of time, I don't think I could. I've loved him for 20 years and I don't want to believe this is the end, but from what I've read here, this sounds like basically a textbook case of a closeted man. I know he's meeting men on sites and having anonymous sex. I am a very forgiving and open-minded person, and I understand he feels some freedom now and is basically having an orgy. But I feel like he packed my life in his bags and walked out the door with it. I'm left to pick up the pieces of a lifetime that I now feel was wasted or fake. He won't even return my calls.
I deserve fidelity, or at least to be involved in decisions that affect our sexual relationship. I deserve honesty. But I don't want to think of my life without him. I know there's no way around it if he is no longer interested in women at all or never was, but I feel so lost and almost cheated that he made this decision that is life changing for BOTH of us, and we had never even had a conversation about it. Don't I at least deserve a chance to see if we could agree on a new normal that builds on the love we already have?

I didn't know it was possible to be this sad. I think I know what everyone is going to say, but I am holding the tiniest bit of hope for advice or guidance that could lead to us having a happy relationship, even if it isn't the Norman Rockwell version we're conditioned to think is normal. Thank you for reading my long post and for anyone who has time to reply.

brooksey, I do think you have been treated quite cruelly. It sounds like you were willing to offer what I would have assumed would be the ideal compromise for a mixed-orientation marriage but it was rejected out of hand. I wonder why? Was it the idea of losing control over the 'when' and thinking the occasions you agreed to wouldn't be often enough or did you finally get the truth? Are his parents still with us? Did something happen that made a cover story no longer necessary?

You mentioned depression. A few of us here, including myself, have mentioned their spouses or ex's suffering from that condition. I think it's possible that the secret life, or living the lie, might be part of this, even in a sub-conscious way.

Take small steps these first few day. You've already thought about what you deserve and want. Your future, if together, depends on what he wants. It needs to balance. If one person has to accept scraps while the other can do as they please, it's not healthy (in my opinion).

Sad is OK, remember to breath. You might even want to start your own thread to collect everything into one place for yourself. It may come in handy later on.