and I want to say to out of the closet that for me- it isn't the deception that is the problem- it is the sexuality. I can't make the world a place where everyone feels safe to be who they are. But I want to find a place where I can be straight and my sexual needs aren't a problem. I really need to find that place where most people are straight.

I'm not sure where you're going to find a preponderance of straight people.  I'm fresh out of suggestions.  

I remember when I was a young thing, I swung my hips as I walked but then I felt from behind me my GID husband's displeasure and it stopped me from doing it - he shut me down so much.  

It's not that I am looking for anything, it's just that I find the emotional interaction with a straight (assuming they're an okay person) feels so good - simple and cleansing.  

I'm quite happy with gay people but I can't handle the complications of the G/LIDS any more.  And it looks to me like they're everywhere so I think we have to learn strategies for coping.  Mine is to look them in the eye and smile politely.  And I have learnt when meeting people it is better to take a minute and identify them first.

 

Ynadin,

I like your frank statement;  " I am not even a tomboy, not by any stretch. It took a lot of effort, consistent hard work day in day out to beat all the "girl" out of me."

I'm not a big masculine guy but a guy I am..  Looking back I saw no gayness in my wife but she always had contempt for men..this attitude that all men think they are better than woman..  it should not surprise me then that is was now my turn to be put on that list.    Perhaps that is the gayness I ignored.     Regardless,
I do feel my masculinity was constantly beaten down.. then when I  had no masculinity left ..when I had really nothing left, she decided what she really needed was a woman.  (a bossy ugly woman I was discarded for).

One great thing about being single now and away from my abuser is that I can be my authentic self and that includes being a man.   I can enjoy sports and activities that she never liked.. I can seek adventures
that  she would never go on..  I do not have to be ashamed for liking these things.     

 

Rob, what are all the activities that you are talking about? In myself I see this- that I have cut out all activities that straight men are naturally interested in. What are the adventures? Mountain climbing? Hiking? Fishing ? Please give some examples
 

Ynadin, also I would like to hear more about your observation that women your age blow hot and cold on you- is this a sign of lesbianism?
I have noticed that I am told things like:
"My secretary told me she was a lesbian. What do you think of that?"
"On a trip to see the eclipse in NC our waitress could tell we were different. She said she was a lesbian and it was difficult to live there"
Is this code for: I am a lesbian?
I find it hard to believe that a secretary or a waitress would come out with comments identifying themselves as gay to an employer or a customer.
One time I went on a weekend to a friend's country house and there were 4 other women staying. They all knew each other- their children were schoolmates and friends. They started talking about people being gay and looking at me for a reaction. I just nodded but did nothing to add to the conversation. Its like they were trying to smoke me out. I did suspect 2 of their children as being gay. I knew their children from the school activities- but I did not know them previously.