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1 - nancy
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Everyone I know is closeted- its a nightmare
Not only is my husband a closeted gay but everyone I know is. I am a bit shy and I realize I have made all my friends through other friends- now I realize they are all gay. I literally have 40 years of closeted gay friends. I would really like to meet some straight people. How do I do this. Where do I go- what do I do? I am 60 years old.
- phoenix
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Re: Everyone I know is closeted- its a nightmare
Hi Nancy,
Welcome to our group. I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation. We share your experience here. The straight spouse network might be a good way to make friends.. not only with straight people, but with straight people who share a similar experience. We have local groups in most major cities. You can reach out through the SSN page to get connected to a local group and go from there.
I found that my ex-wife surrounded herself with a large majority of LGBT friends. Many of whom I had an innate sense of being a threat to me because I thought they were going to move her toward coming out of the closet. Of course I was still lying to myself and thinking I could stop that from happening. Anyway.. Now that she is gone I've found that a few of those friends are now better friends with me than her. Odd huh..
I'm an introvert and shy myself. I almost never have the courage to meet new people. But I manage to make friends through a hobby. I'm into cars, so I participate in car events, go to car shows, join car forums, etc.. I have something in common with the people I meet there and it makes it easy to make friends.
What are you hobbies? What would you like your hobbies to be? Have you heard of meetup groups?
I also find that making friends through my other friends is easy.. they take care of the introductions so it's easy and then I can grow a network of friends and contacts that way as well.
Let's keep exploring this nancy.. I think we can help give you some ideas and help you branch out.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- nancy
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Re: Everyone I know is closeted- its a nightmare
All my hobbies are gay hobbies. I was brought up in a closeted gay family and pushed toward the arts- where everyone is gay, I now realize. I want to know what straight hobbies are. I don't like loud noises so cars aren't a good fit. Is hiking a straight thing to do? Not just my husbands friends are gay- all of my friends are gay. I think they realize that I am not gay after a while. All the women in my book club, I think most of the women in my garden club. I don't really like stadium sports, so I don't want to go there. Any other suggestions?
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Thread Starter- nancy
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Re: Everyone I know is closeted- its a nightmare
I sent my child to a single sex school not realizing that a lot of those people would be gay (?) How could I have been so blind?? So that is a whole network of people that I spent a lot of time with who are all closeted gay.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Everyone I know is closeted- its a nightmare
Nancy,
I do understand your dilemma. Gay people do tend to have other gay friends, and to form networks with other gay people and socialize with them. Nothing wrong with that. My best friend, a lesbian, and her partner have many more lesbian and gay friends than I do. They also have friends who are straight (including me). There's a lot of crossover; sometimes they entertain their gay friends, sometimes a mix of their gay and straight friends. I'm grateful to them for putting me in the way of friends and ideas that I, as a straight person, might otherwise would miss out on.
It sounds to me as if you've inadvertently gotten yourself into such a network, and would like to enlarge your circle of friends to include more straight people. Phoenix's idea of joining a group based on a hobby you like sounds good to me. If you like hiking, sign up for a hiking group. But remember that hobbies and professions, too, are neither gay nor straight; lots of artists are straight, actors, too. You may encounter some gay people in a hiking group, but you'll also encounter straight people. You might not even be able to tell who's what (so to speak) unless that person is hiking with a partner.
Perhaps when your circle of acquaintances is larger, and you're not feeling so stung by your husband's lying to you about his sexuality, you'll be able better to appreciate that it's not the sexuality that's the problem, it's the deception and lying.
- phoenix
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Re: Everyone I know is closeted- its a nightmare
Nancy,
I this OOHC's advice is exactly right. An activity is neither gay nor straight, but exposing yourself to some new cirlces of friends will help you meet some people, of whom many will be straight, and you can widen your network from there.
What do you enjoy? If you don't enjoy something, it's not a hobby.. it's work. lol.
You mentioned hiking.. that's an excellent hobby and an excellent way to meet people.
Try www.meetup.org It's an online site and mobile site that organizes activities for people in your local area and breaks them down into lots of different types of activities.
Here's a little taste:
Dancing
Bike Riding
Fitness walking
Hiking
Geocaching
New Technology
night club / drinking
historical building tours
Kayaking
Wine tasting
board games
card games
age based singles meetups
volunteering (outside clean ups, food pantries, etc..)
movies
soccer / volleyball / golf / other sports
puzzle building
bingo
debate / public speaking (sounds like a hoot to me .. ugh)
Poetry
Marijuana (lol again)
foodies (restaurant tours)
sailing
foreign languages
historical preservation
antique collecting
stamp collecting
precious moments collecting
gosh.. there are hundreds of collecting groups
religions
star gazers
bird watchers
gardening
landscaping
photography
coffee
tea drinkers
dog walkers
pet owners of many kinds
computer gamers
paranormal investigators
yoga
single travellors
gosh.. there are so many. Hope this list of ideas helps.. check out the website and see what you have local to you.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- iamthelorax
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Re: Everyone I know is closeted- its a nightmare
At the risk of sounding harsh, everything except gay sex is a hobby for straight people. I'm pretty sure the ratio of closeted gay people you're connected to has more to do with your ex's influence than anything else.
When my ex left me, I joined a salsa class and had a blast. None of the people there were gay, all single people looking to have fun and go out dancing on weekends. The best part is that I met all kids of people who weren't connected to my ex even as 2nd degree connections.
My advice is to find anything deem fun and join a group relatively separate from your ex and his circle, you should find the ratio change pretty quickly. Have fun!
- lily
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Re: Everyone I know is closeted- its a nightmare
Hi Nancy,
I am shy too. I joined a bridge club - even tho I am 60s most of the people are older than me but it is still socialising and I enjoy the game.
Like Ynadin says, I have become aware of how very many closeted gays and lesbians there are - they're everywhere. Mainly the straight spouse doesn't know. It took me ages to work it out but there's even a little circle of closet lesbians that play together.
I reckon for every gay that is open about themselves, there are at least 10 in the closet.
I see the suffering in the mixed couples and it reminds me why I am glad I got divorced. There are also some straight couples, and they're a lot of fun to play with and living proof that marriage really can be as good as we imagined it to be.
all the best, Lily
- Rob
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Re: Everyone I know is closeted- its a nightmare
lily wrote:
Hi Nancy,
I am shy too. I joined a bridge club - even tho I am 60s most of the people are older than me but it is still socialising and I enjoy the game.
Like Ynadin says, I have become aware of how very many closeted gays and lesbians there are - they're everywhere. Mainly the straight spouse doesn't know. It took me ages to work it out but there's even a little circle of closet lesbians that play together.
I reckon for every gay that is open about themselves, there are at least 10 in the closet.
I see the suffering in the mixed couples and it reminds me why I am glad I got divorced. There are also some straight couples, and they're a lot of fun to play with and living proof that marriage really can be as good as we imagined it
all the best, Lily
Yeah I seem to have a heightened sense of this now.. I am more aware. It wont stop me from going out but it gives me fear in the sense that even if I enjoy an activity, in my present state , a closeted gay person or , narcissist, would make me nervous and enjoy it less..
I will say Nancy that your question is good and it is your intuition/bones/gut trying to protect you from further hurt. Its why I am not ready to date at all.. join an activity sure.. but I am wary of meeting people and being sucked into a relationship where I'm lonely so I dismiss gay signs or narcissistic signs,,
I want to , and have to believe, that there are straight people out there with morals and ethics that would not hurt me with some deep dark secret. I'd rather be alone than be hurt like this again though.
I will repeat Nancys question though in a more general sense,..not just where are the straight people, but where are the authentic people? Where are the people that say what they mean and mean what they say? Where are the people with morals and genuine kindness? Where are the people that cannot hurt someone without remorse
or empathy?
Its not a bad question.
Last edited by Rob (September 3, 2017 9:34 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- nancy
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Re: Everyone I know is closeted- its a nightmare
All my childhood friends were gay- this isn't a situation where my husband provided me with gay friends. All my circles, having nothing to do with him, are gay. I am past being upset that he lied and blamed me etc (pretty much), I am trying to move on. I have many nice friends- but they are all gay. I think I am used to relating to people in a strange cerebral way, maybe or my family moved so much that I identified with outsiders,- it has to do with something I am doing, not my husband.
Its like when I went to Al Anon and finally realized who in my past had a drinking problem. Now I see who is gay. Frankly I do think that the closeted people stick together in groups- and I understand why and I sympathize But--- I want to have a relationship with a straight person, so I need to go where they go. And its not true that all areas have all types. Most artists and actors are gay. Studies show that psychologists, doctors and lawyers are also very gay groups.
The list of activities is very inspiring- I am going to try a few of them.
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