Hi everyone,

I have been seeing a lot of in-person examples of extreme narcissism as my sister goes through a divorce from her GID husband.  I have known throughout my sister's almost 10-year marriage to this man that he was a narcissist.  What we didn't realize was just how deep and wide the lies ran until recently.  For those who might not remember, she had a restraining order put into place after he got violent one day, and after that, she began to uncover a ton of hidden information in the house that let to discovery that he was leading a double life - one filled with prostitution (actually running a prostitution ring), organized crime, horrendous cheating, drugs (both taking them and selling them) embezzling from their joint business, and from their personal accounts.  His actions over the years showed that he was a narcissist, but we never saw the whole picture until after she had the privacy and motive to turn over every piece of paperwork in their home.  He was a master of being charming and acting moral, and even his wife had no idea who he truly was.  But my sister didn't want her children to be from a broken home.  So she kept on keeping on - single-handedly supporting the family monetarily, being the only adult in the marriage.

Her soon-to-be-ex gets visitation with their two girls every weekend - at his parents' house.  He's not allowed to drive them anywhere.  That doesn't stop him from making plans and carrying them out with his parents or sister, though.  Sister has a young child and they could all easily go to the zoo, to a park, out for a meal, a multitude of places.  Instead, he shows up hours late for visitation every.single.week.  He gets the kids from like 9 am to 8 pm on a Sunday each week.  He's regularly shown up at 2 pm and then left by 6 for a "commitment".  His kids are 9 and 6 - they know he's shirking his time with them.  And when he's with them, he often just hangs out in the house - not intentionally spending any time with them.  He sleeps a lot - 3, 4 hours at a time.  He's still tired from Sat. night partying.  His kids are getting angry at him, and my sister sees their confusion and grief over their dad's behavior.

This past weekend is a great example.  He was supposed to spend the day with them on Saturday.  He showed up hours late, and then "got called into work" (which would never happen), so he left early and promised to come back the next day (girls stayed overnight).  He never showed. He never even communicated with anyone about not showing.  My sister saw a message from her older child to their dad, via text: "Hi Dad.  I was sad today because you didn't spend time with us yesterday and you didn't come back today and you said you would.  I want to see you more.  Please try a little harder next time."  Listen to his response to his NINE year-old daughter:  "Thank you for telling me.  You played with the neighbor girls the whole time I was there on Saturday.  I will try harder but you need to pay attention to me when I'm there too, not just play with your friends the whole time."  When asked about what happened, the 9 year-old said that after Dad playing video games with his brother-in-law for two hours, the kids found something else to do.  THIS is life with a narcissist.  They will guilt a child and start games with them very early, too.  EVERYthing is about them - even when it doesn't look like they're crafting that scenario.  Show up late, don't do anything with your kids, and when they confront you about it, you blame..... THEM.

For those of you who are staying with a narcissist for the kids' sake, it's not worth it.  You're exposing them not only to the blueprint that this is how a marriage should work, but you're letting a narcissist have access to the kids while they're being formed.  It's like deciding not to leave the hen house because that nice fox comes every day to play with your chicks, and they just love that.  He WILL be a fox eventually with them, too.  You need to get out not only to save yourself, but to save the kids, too.  Growing up with someone who's teaching you day in and out that you are not as important as them is no way to grow up and form into a healthy adult.  And you cannot change these people.  They don't WANT to change.  You may occasionally see tears and promises, but it's all a part of the act.  It's boxing with a shadow.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 29, 2017 10:35 am)