Judy..  oh boy... ouch.. sorry.

I may have used the wrong words describing Kel  and yeah her posts seem more prominent due to length. Sometimes she is very blunt but sometimes that is what one needs.   I do not worship any mortal beings ...not since
my GX abandoned all vows and promises and became satan incarnate on this earth.   

I  consider yours and everyone else posts valuable too else I wouldn't be here.    I will try to offer kinder help where I can .

Last edited by Rob (August 29, 2017 7:15 am)

There seems to be this..... THING...... that newer people here do.  It looks like this:

Individual:  "I'm experiencing this thing that causes me grief, confusion, and pain.  I shall now explain: "........."
Group:  "That sounds sucky.  We're sorry you're going through that."
Individual:  "Thanks.  Let me tell you more....."
Group:  "From our own collective and individual experiences in this SAME area, we feel that...... X.  It may help to do X."
Individual:  "You don't know my spouse and my situation!  You don't know our relationship!  You are all so judgey and negative!"
Group:  "Oh, sorry.  We thought you came here for our support and perspective.  Our bad.  How do you want us to support you?"
Individual:  "I'm just saying that I don't like the way you're doing it.  You're putting every person in this same situation in a box.  It's very limiting of you.  My relationship is bigger than that.  My love is bigger than that.  SOMEone can make this if they try.  I don't want to make rash decisions."
Group:  "Again, how would you like us to support you?"
Individual:  (Goes away for a bit, never responds to the asked question)
Individual:  Shows up in other places on the board, participating in general conversations about being a straight spouse.  Sometimes getting into specifics.
Group:  Very cautiously asks questions to gauge where individual is at.  They still don't know how to support said individual.  What they're free to do with most others on the board offends this person.  We tread gingerly.  We put vague statements across to the group at-large, being careful not to give this particular person unwanted advice.
Group: Sees that individual has gone through some further experiences with their spouse.  Thinks that maybe individual might be open to perspectives and suggestions again.  Begins to say things that they feel are necessary to that individual's situation.
Individual: "WRONG!  I TOLD you that I don't want to make rash decisions.  (this apparently means that you cannot consider any viewpoint until you're ready to actually TRY those things.)
Group:  "We're being kind to you.  We're trying to help you.  We can ONLY help you based on our own experiences and the collective experiences of the other individuals that have come and gone through this board over years of observation.  If we can't offer our opinions, we don't know what we're supposed to be saying to you."

NO.ONE is rushing anyone here.  We all get how long it took us to move on.  Or if we haven't done so yet, how long it took us to even get to the place where we came here.  Or got to the place that we're currently at - even if that's just a mental place and our situation's still no different.  There isn't a single one of us here who wishes they'd taken LONGER to get to where we're currently at.  If we had a time wish, it's that we wish we'd have seen the truth earlier - built our strength earlier.  Have believed in ourselves earlier.  Had known that life would not end without this one person.  Have realized how short our time on earth is, and how we wasted years or decades of it on chasing our own tail, only to have the situation end where it was always going to inevitably end anyway. 

We are here for only TWO reasons: To get help, and to help.  We assume all others are here for the same reasons, too.  If all you want is a sounding board, I'd suggest a diary.  That way you can get everything out, reflect on what you've said, and see over time how what you want and what you've gone through and your feelings about all of it have changed or remained the same.  But know that if you come here, you WILL get help.  It's your choice to accept it or not.  At the end of the day, when others are trying to help you, the appropriate response is "Thank you", even if the choice isn't to take that advice at this point in time.

Kel
 

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:27 pm)

I just went back and read further back into the thread.  It seems I missed several posts from a while ago.  One where Rob defended my harsh demeanor, and another where someone told him that I'm not a god.  Ummm,.... wowzers.  I had no idea any of that was there.  It really doesn't get me angry - it makes me sad.  We're all only here for two reasons - to get through being a straight spouse, or to help someone else through it.  Or a little of both, in most cases.  There really is no right and wrong here - each person is struggling and we just need to come along beside them for as long as they'll allow us.  We can help hold them up, we can give them ideas, we can offer them perspective and encouragement.  That's all any of us can do.  I didn't have that when I was going through my crap.  The site was here, but I could post and not see a response for weeks.  And even then, it might not have anything to do with what I posted - it would likely be someone else telling me that that's what they're going through, too.  I was looking for someone to allow me to be angry.  To justify my confusion, my fear, and tell me I wasn't freaking crazy.  Because I wasn't getting that in my real life.  It was all smoke and mirrors in my house, and without a lot of the proof that so many of you have, I had nothing to discuss with my confidants except that something was "off", and that I wasn't happy.  They had no idea what I was talking about.  Which made it very difficult to stay on the topic.  No one asked me questions about how exactly my sex life felt unfulfilling.  Who would ask that?  Who would I even be comfortable telling when they were friends with him in real life?  I try to be what I wish I'd had back then - a person that says, "Does it matter if he's truly gay or not if every day you're unhappy?"  Or "I know you're trying to stay married for the kids, but have you considered that this might not be the best blueprint for their own marriages someday?"  I wasn't thinking of those things then.  I was just bumping along, trying to figure out if him being gay was what was wrong.  I was not seeing the whole picture - only little individual pieces that said something was wrong.  I kept trying to put those few pieces together into a whole puzzle, and I just couldn't.  It was only when I began to look at the whole puzzle that I realized that the entire picture they made was not one I liked.  I kept turning those few over in my fingers endlessly, never even considering how I might feel if those pieces never changed.  And what they'd make the picture look like 10 years or 20 years down the road.  When I figured that out, I was terrified, and I finally knew what to do.  Until I arrived at THAT moment, all the rest were just stepping stones to that moment.  But I could have never gotten to that last stone without all the ones leading to it, either.  It was like a millions separate realizations that grew into an explosion one day.

I don't need anyone to take my advice.  In retrospect, I took none until the day the big explosion of realization went off.  I did have one friend back then who said things to me like, "You don't always have to be the one to eat the burnt piece of toast, Kel".  SUCH a seemingly little phrase.  And yet - I'm here 6 years later, repeating it to you.  I do not underestimate the power of words.  And I particularly love the power of questions.  Without those two things - words and questions - I might not be where I am today.  Which I'm sure I don't need to remind you is a very happy place.  I only wish for everyone else the same.  Encouraging and questioning and lifting up isn't something I do online, it's something I just do.  And I type lots of words because that's how I talk - and because I type over 100 words per minute, it's not really cumbersome for me to do so.

I don't need to be seen as a Mama Bear.  I certainly don't need to be seen as a god.  I highly doubt anyone sees me that way anyway.  If they do, that'd be stupid.  I have nothing more valuable to say than anyone else.  I don't need to be anything but someone who survived this battle and came out the other side and am happy and wanting to help others do the same.  If we all did that, imagine how much easier this journey might get for others who feel all alone in the world through their journey.  Because part of the trial with this is that we just don't hear people going through it in daily life, so we feel all alone and lost.  I want that not to be the case any longer.  I want us to survive and thrive through it all - the straight spouse experience, the narcissism, the mental illnesses, ALL of it.  And I want us to feel empowered while doing it.  If I needed anything while I was going through this, it was permission to look after my needs as being as important as those of my children's and my spouse's.  It was to hope for the future rather than dreading what "had" to be done.  I wanted a Redbull - I needed wings.  I wish that for us all.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 29, 2017 4:27 pm)

Josie wrote:

I just want to say that I am in the middle of this and have found this forum to be very comforting.  Yes, some of the advice wasn't something I wanted to heed, but I didn't get upset by that.  It's just advice.  I don't have to take it.  It's just like my husband used to get upset if I asked for his opinion and then didn't take it.  I said its just an opinion.  I don't have to do what you say.  It's still my choice.  All the advice, good or bad, to me has come from a place that people are here because they are empathic with our situation because they've been there.  If they didn't care they wouldn't be here posting.  I'm just grateful someone is here that cares enough to reply to my questions and concerns.

^--THIS

Josie, I've been reading this thread and a couple others as well as private messages I received today.  I've been trying to think of a way to calm everyone down and try to address some very fair issues that have been brought up. I just couldn't think of how to do this..  but you did it for me.  Your post is perfect.  

You said it..  "If they didn't care, they wouldn't be posting".