I'm in my 40's and have been with my wife for 18 years. A few months ago I was using her phone to browse the web as mine was dead. When I opened her browser, it was in the fan layout, displaying all of the open pages. There were 4-5 pages of porn open so I decided to check it out.  When I opened each of the pages they went to the landing page of lesbian videos. Meaning she went to the site, clicked the lesbian category and opened the videos that I was looking at.  I was turned on by it and rather than confront her I decided to be subtle. I asked her to watch a few vids with me but she refused.

A few weeks later, I checked again and found new videos opened. This time, I asked to speak with her. I started the conversation by asking if she ever watches porn and she said no. I asked if she ever watches it on her phone and she said no so I opened her phone and showed her what I found. She denied that she was watching it and claimed she had no idea how it got on her phone. I told her that it really turned me on and is the same thing I enjoy watching.  I asked if she would include me of if we could watch some together once in a while, knowing she has needs too.  I told her it was normal to watch them and that I don't mind but she refused to have any knowledge of the pages she was staring at. She said she never watches it and couldn't understand how I thought she had time to watch porn let alone masterbate.  I told told her I watch the same thing almost daily. I continued trying to get her to discuss it but she wasn't budging and I knew she was lying.  I told her I would feel better if she just told me she watched it even if she didn't.

Fast forward another few weeks and I looked again.   I noticed she closed the lesbian videos so I took a deeper dive into her history and found she had still been watching the porn, found a video chat site and an adult hookup site. This made me nervous so I decided to check out spokeo and set up fake accounts on a few hookup sites.

After confronting her on everything, she got extremely angry and started to cry. She said she couldn't believe what she was hearing; how could I think these things of her; when do I think she has the time for any of it; things will never be the same; she needs to get out of here; this is the one place she felt safe and now that's gone; etc. Then she started diverting, deflecting, shifting blame and making counter acquisitions. She denied all of it. The sites I found open and the sites in her history.  Once again swearing to god she was never on them.  She wanted to leave but ended up staying; I gave her 20 minutes to cool off and picked up the conversation.

She started with, nothing will ever be the same between us; how could you think these things about me; I've never been on a porn site in my life; I don't have the time for any of the things you're accusing me of; why do you suddenly want to work on our relationship; why now; why not all of the times you hurt me; I will never be able to look at you the same way and so on. It was as if she was saying the things to me that I would have said to her if she had an affair.

I explained that there is no way for those sites to be in her history if she didn't view them and she claimed to have no understanding of what history is despite deleting earlier history. She asked if I think she's on those sites and I said they don't open theirself. She responded, so you think I'm having an affair and I said you could be.  I told her this was a chance to come clean; tell me what she's really feeling and what has happened.  She was pissed and hurt in a way that I have rarely seen and she looked me in the eyes and screamed as loud as she could,  "I am, with women".  I asked when and she said "never because I haven't".  She wouldn't discuss anything else; when I questioned her about admitting it and asked when it happened; she again said never because I lied.

I caught her going to a lunchtime message with a women she worked with a few years back; she paid for both of them. She denied that until I showed her the bank statements.

Red Flags:
Watching lesbian porn, 15 pages that were new the three times I looked- admitted but said she was embarrassed.

Hookup site - in history said it must have been accidental

Porn video chat - in history said it must have been an accidental click

Told me I was disconnected (and I was, we both were.)

Told me she had affair with women.

I told her we either go to therapy or I'm out because of the lies. She told the therapist talking about sexuality is off limits

Hid the lunch massages - said she didn't want me to get mad about her spending our money.

Told her signs all point to affair - she said, "I could accuse you of the "same thing".

If I had to average it out: sex every 4-6weeks said she never masterbates then told me about once a month. Since all of this started, our sex life has actually been the best it's ever been. She's open to trying new things and we have sex almost daily. Said she didn't have sex with me before because she didn't like the way her body looked. She has been working out and is now XS.

She was extremely defensive when I brought everything up said "things will never be the same with us. This was my safe place and now that's gone; I need to get out of here".

She claims she lied about having an affair but because she lied about the porn for 3 weeks; I'm having a hard time believing her admission was a lie.

She has apps on her phone that immediately delete messages. It was work mandated and I saw the email but it still makes me uneasy given what's been said.

The only person she talks about is her gay friend at work.

She has social anxiety and prefers the company of men over women. She says women are too catty.

She claims the dating site and video chat site must have opened from accidentally clicking an ad while on the porn pages.

She's accusing me of having an affair with my boss but I've never cheated on her, don't flirt with women and come home right after work.

Doesn't like male strip clubs, but will go to a female stop club.

I've caught her staring at women twice recently. Once at a restaurant on our anniversary; she watched this gorgeous woman walk about 50 yards and continued as she walked past us. The second was at another restaurant where she turned around, away from the table, toward the front door as she watched two walk out together.

I feel completely broken inside. We've talked a lot since all of this. None of what's been said since really adds up. I've asked multiple times if it happen, if she thinks she's bi or gay but I always get the same answer I got when I asked her about the porn...no. She claims she told me she cheated on me to hurt me. Then she claimed my accusation was so crazy that she was being sarcastic. She claims she smoked and didn't know what she was talking about when she said it. I asked why she said she cheated on me with a woman and not a man if she lied. She said it's because I accused her of watching lesbian porn; she did finally admit to the porn two weeks after the last time I asked her.  Why would a heterosexual assume I'm referring to women and why lie about porn when I told her I watched the same thing and rub one daily to it? (Told her the 1st time I found it)

She said she wants to fulfill my fantasy of a threesome but wants it to be about me.  She suggested going somewhere like the bunny ranch to avoid locals. Then said she would like to have the third go down on her and vice versa.

At this point I would feel better knowing she did cheat or may be bi than to continue thinking she did...the thoughts are agonizing compared to whatever truth is out there.

Reasons why she may not have:
She is home all the time
Doesn't do girl trips
Doesn't go out of town
She seems to like sex with me and usually has 2-5 orgasms when we have sex. (This didn't happen when we rarely had sex)
Her electronics are out and open for me to view.

When I questioned her about a post I thought was hers she almost completely lost it.

I know you can't definitively tell me if she did or didn't cheat but I have so many questions.
What is the likelihood she cheated?
Could it have been physical or emotional or both?
Why say women?
Could she be bi/gay and afraid to say?
Why lie about it?
Is this the beginning stage of coming out?
What that her way of coming out?
Is it the beginning stage of discovery?
When did she do it?
With who?
When? During work hours?
How can I help her be comfortable discussing with me?
What would you do?